This is the End of the Innocence

The world can be an ugly place. Gangs, robbers, purse-snatchers, bums on drugs, liars, and cheaters. Alternately, people can be full of grace.

Grace, as you know, is unexpected, undeserved mercy or favor. Sometimes humans can be full of rotton intent, and sometimes you see someone so full of grace... and you know that you never did anything to deserve it.

I ended a 2-year dating relationship yesterday. However, the 3 years of friendship that accompanied my knowing M.W. goes on. His concern for my safety helped me to not be afraid to leave Nelson, my ex, when I was in danger. His knowledge of the horror of common man helped me to show respect to myself when I did not have the strength to treat myself right. And the grace that he had in handling my broken heart, the "out" that I needed so I could follow my dreams instead of my heart... well that takes the cake. He is and will always be one of the most awesome people I've had the priveledge of knowing. I love him and hate that it did not work out on his part.

But our friendship lives on. In the next several months, I'm sure it will take a number of forms. I can't help but hope that he will soften his heart and allow himself to love vulnerably, to allow himself to need. And it doesn't even have to be me (although I want it to be).

M.W. sent me a note this morning that said although we never forget our first love... there is something so special and memorable about a first adult relationship. Do you know that we never fought? Sure we had disagreements, we had discussions. But we never yelled, hit, threw things or swore at eachother.

Frankly, I don't think I'll be fit for dating, for a long time. But if M.W. never changes his mind, if I do go on to love another (today, that feat seems highly unlikely), then M.W. set the bar so high, that I'm afraid no one else could hope to live up to the standards I look for, in my partner.

My heart is screaming. I'm so sad. But this is the way it had to be.

Damn it.