Hard Time

Isn't this breakup stuff supposed to get easier with Time? It's been 9 days and there are times that are easier, times that are so much harder.

At least I'm starting to detect a pattern: fine in the AM, sad a lunch, okay in the afternoon, freaking miserable when I come home from work, and generally okay when it's bedtime. I've been chatting with M.W. in the afternoons. We always caught up eachother's days at that time, and it always feels better to talk with him (or is that to "cry at him"?).

We each want to remain friends. But can I handle that right now? Hmmm. I want to remain friends with M.W., but can't imagine getting on with my life, as long as we "matter" more than friends. Can anyone just switch from the Love of your Life to just friends over a weekend? Over a week?

He suggested that I talk with a professional last night. I want to be okay on my own. Ain't that a terrible stigma? To be the girl who can't go through a breakup, without professional help?

You know what? It's hurting this week mostly because of the sad realization that he didn't change his mind. I mean, somewhere along the line, if I'd broken up and broken contact, I believed that he would've pulled much closer and then my dreams would be coming true, instead of crumbling apart now. But the sad reality is that at no point would he have loved me enough to marry me.

One of the things we talked about last night, is that initially, he asked me to live with him in California. I refused because I did not want to be dependent on him, nor live together without being married. Somewhere along the line, I'd decided that living with him would be okay. Then he said "no... if you live together, you're practically married, so what's the difference?"

Know what? Secretly I hope that he moves on and forgets about me except for an occasional phone call. But right now, that is not what I want for me. I want him to fall on his knees and beg me to love him forever.

And it's pretty insulting to my pride, that he never thought of that.

Can I have a hug?

Dot.