The First Rock-Bottom...

I'm a firm believer that there is a finite number of times when you can hit rock-bottom in your life. Whether it be with family, friends, relationships, working too much, drugs or booze... everyone faces a low point eventually.

My personal worst was something I have never talked about, and never will. But I know it happened, and I know how to stop from having it happen again. There have been other rock-bottoms. Break-ups with men I loved, losing an opportunity for a cool job, and especially family conflicts.

Even though I broke up with M.W. almost a week ago, I just hit the first rock-bottom. As I sit here and type, I can feel the first bounce. What happened? Crying, feeling like there is no love in the universe that can turn my heart and soul any colour beyond black, and generally convincing myself that I'm a worthless human being.

M.W. is an okay guy. I thought he was the love of my life. But he was not the best boyfriend. Babs told me this morning, that he's at the same stage in life as her -- kids are grown, and all that's left is to finish working, enjoy the grandkids and then die. I'm angry with M.W. for convincing me that he wanted to make a life with me, and then go and change his mind.

But then, I also knew that he was 23 years older than me, and he would be looking for someone to keep him warm, not someone to make a life and a future with. (Although I saw Kenny Rogers on TV the other day -- at 67 years old, his wife, 25, just gave birth to twins and he's happier than ever. Bastard!).

So What are the stages of grief? And What can I do to feel normal again?

Denial -- The "No, Not Me" Stage

Anger/ Resentment -- The "Why Me?" Stage

Bargaining -- The "If I do this, You'll do that" Stage

Depression -- The "It Really Happened" Stage

Acceptance -- The "This is What Happened" Stage

I do believe that one could make the arguement that I was in Denial for the past year, with the Anger/Resentment stage coming into play for a least the past 6 months. On and off, the Bargaining would join those, but really hit a crecendo since the Holidays.

Now I'm all the way to depression. Yippy-doo.