Or is that... Tales of the Homeless at the Laundromat??
I'm starting to think I'm a bigot: everyone at the laundromat seems homeless to me. Although today's guy again had a shopping cart, a 40 oz. beer, and... of all things: a new jacket and a CD player. He couldn't get the CD player to work and I ended up giving it a thorough once-over with my trouble-shootin' eye. Perfection.
You know... it always amazes me what these people without homes, have in their little carts. Like a shaving kit and freshly washed clothes. A little house-on-wheels. Their priorities to buy (I'm guessing he bought it) CD players and batteries... Tunes, but no home to play them in.
Poverty makes me sick. People who are not employable and living out on the street makes me sick. What The Hell Happened in Sacramento, to MAKE THEM CLOSE ALL OF THE RESCUE MISSIONS???? It's not the fault every homeless person that they are on the street. Some are mentall ill. Some are addicts.
For a state of liberals, I have to say: SHAME ON YOU FOR LETTING THIS BE THE STATUS QUO.
FYI: I'm not taking responsibility yet, because I've only been in the state for a few months. But Dot ain't gonna take this lying down.
Peace, and Happy New Year.
Dot.
Friday, December 30, 2005
Thursday, December 29, 2005
Gasp!
Ginger was taller than Fred. Can you believe it? I never knew. Must've watched them 100 times together and never noticed.
M.W. and I dance together every time we're in the same house. We move together so perfectly, and I started thinking we might look foolish if on a dance floor. But no.... if Ginger can be taller than Fred, Dorothy can be taller than M.W.
Grin.
M.W. and I dance together every time we're in the same house. We move together so perfectly, and I started thinking we might look foolish if on a dance floor. But no.... if Ginger can be taller than Fred, Dorothy can be taller than M.W.
Grin.
New Roses on the Square, and Life in Black and White
New Roses:
Walking through Chavez Square yesterday, I noticed new roses on the vine! They're dark and beautiful, and blooming any day. Year-round roses here? Guess so. Life is so full of wonderment and renewal!
(thanks, Jesus, for duckies!)
Life in Black and White:
Few people have the luxury to live this way. Namely children and the unbroken, the naive, the innocent. My folks are wonderful people, but they have purposely chosen a life of naivete' so as to remain as pure as humanly possible. But they have a great deal of compassion for those of us who, by choice or by force, have ended up "in the world".
As a little kid, I thought my folks were simps. In other words... I thought they didn't know any better... that they were too inept to realize that there was a whole cool world out there. Now I've gone off on this grand adventure (yeah, right), I've seen a lot of the world. Family and friends have this image of "Dorothy" that is irrepressable, successful, and apparently I'm the town darling. And yet I'm still lonely here, I'm still confused about the future. Making the conscious decision to not be an "innocent" one was a lot more criticle than I ever knew. But it wasn't light -- I've always known that my life would be different.
Honestly, for those of you who identify with me: now that you know better and are trying to be better in life... don't you feel like since you made the bad choices and were put in unfornuate circumstances... don't you feel like it's now your job to help others get out of that place? Cause I sure do. And also, God loves each and every one of us. He has never betrayed us as we do Him.
Lil' Kim is an adult who lives in black and white. She harshly judges those who do not stand up to her morals. I used to do that. Now I understand. But she's an "innocent" and probably always will be. She is precious in every light and has the sweetest heart ever.
... just wish she'd give up the death-grip on everyone doing everything the "right" way.
Peace for the New Year.
Dot.
Walking through Chavez Square yesterday, I noticed new roses on the vine! They're dark and beautiful, and blooming any day. Year-round roses here? Guess so. Life is so full of wonderment and renewal!
(thanks, Jesus, for duckies!)
Life in Black and White:
Few people have the luxury to live this way. Namely children and the unbroken, the naive, the innocent. My folks are wonderful people, but they have purposely chosen a life of naivete' so as to remain as pure as humanly possible. But they have a great deal of compassion for those of us who, by choice or by force, have ended up "in the world".
As a little kid, I thought my folks were simps. In other words... I thought they didn't know any better... that they were too inept to realize that there was a whole cool world out there. Now I've gone off on this grand adventure (yeah, right), I've seen a lot of the world. Family and friends have this image of "Dorothy" that is irrepressable, successful, and apparently I'm the town darling. And yet I'm still lonely here, I'm still confused about the future. Making the conscious decision to not be an "innocent" one was a lot more criticle than I ever knew. But it wasn't light -- I've always known that my life would be different.
Honestly, for those of you who identify with me: now that you know better and are trying to be better in life... don't you feel like since you made the bad choices and were put in unfornuate circumstances... don't you feel like it's now your job to help others get out of that place? Cause I sure do. And also, God loves each and every one of us. He has never betrayed us as we do Him.
Lil' Kim is an adult who lives in black and white. She harshly judges those who do not stand up to her morals. I used to do that. Now I understand. But she's an "innocent" and probably always will be. She is precious in every light and has the sweetest heart ever.
... just wish she'd give up the death-grip on everyone doing everything the "right" way.
Peace for the New Year.
Dot.
Tuesday, December 27, 2005
"You's People Too": Laundromat Adventures Part II
This happened a few weeks ago, but I'm just remembering it now. Again, set in the local Fluff-n-Fold, again, with a homeless or near-homeless man who approached me.
Now I'm not uppity, upper or middle or whatever class. And I'm not suffering from a superiority or inferiority complex, or what-have-you. Just callin' it like I see it. And here's the way I see it:
Ton's of people do suffer from feeling inferior. They spend their whole lives being sorry for who they are, what they are, and even eating, walking, and talking apologetically. Take my former M-i-L, Listless Landra.
Listless Landra had a good heart but a rat-bastard of a husband, my former F-i-L, Jerky Jerome. He was overbearing. He totally exploited her goodness to his end: the Almighty Buck. She had hopes, goals, dreams in life. When I met her -- mid 40's, I noticed that everyone treated her terribly, including my ex. Her shoulders were shrugged, she secretly ate chocolates and cupcakes and chips at all hours of the day and night. Getting fatter by the day, she started to lash out at all of us. Then, somewhere along the line, she was broken. She started to cover her mouth when she ate, like a teenager wearing braces. Only she didn't have braces... she just let life defeat her.
So back to our homeless (or nearly so) guy at the Fluff-n-Fold... he was polite to everyone, making conversation about the weather and sports and so on. Sometimes it breaks my heart that God chose to make some people smarter or more gifted than others. All of the missed and wasted opportunities and that they don't know Vivaldi's Four Seasons or have tasted shrimp cocktail and Champagne. Or that they haven't read John Grisham or Kurt Vonnegut, or they don't know who Coldplay or Train is. Perhaps, just perhaps, they may use grammar better than me. Grin.
I chatted briefly with this man as I put clothes in the wash. Listened to him make general conversation with others, and then walked the wet clothes over to the dryer. Apparently I was in his way, because he stood about 3 feet to the right of me. I looked up and said "Sorry." It makes me feel bad to inconvenience people. Even when I'm doing something I have to do.
The man gave me a "some-r" teeth smile and said "You's People Too..'
The Grace that he was capable of giving to me was more than I was capable of that day. And I'm the one who's been given all this other Grace and gifts and Mercy. Hardly deserving!
I've been wondering why, and wondering what to do about that. And it just occurred to me that it's my signal to get off my fat butt and do some good for my fellow man, rather than sit here and feel unworthy about it.
From the book Skeleton Man by Tony Hillerman, a Native American tells this to the sheriff, about "white people" wearing and owning diamonds, or anything else of excess: "They collect these things to prove that they are better at being greedy than their friends." Ain't that the truth.
Kinda makes me want to live off the land, on a hillside in a grass hut.
Now I'm not uppity, upper or middle or whatever class. And I'm not suffering from a superiority or inferiority complex, or what-have-you. Just callin' it like I see it. And here's the way I see it:
Ton's of people do suffer from feeling inferior. They spend their whole lives being sorry for who they are, what they are, and even eating, walking, and talking apologetically. Take my former M-i-L, Listless Landra.
Listless Landra had a good heart but a rat-bastard of a husband, my former F-i-L, Jerky Jerome. He was overbearing. He totally exploited her goodness to his end: the Almighty Buck. She had hopes, goals, dreams in life. When I met her -- mid 40's, I noticed that everyone treated her terribly, including my ex. Her shoulders were shrugged, she secretly ate chocolates and cupcakes and chips at all hours of the day and night. Getting fatter by the day, she started to lash out at all of us. Then, somewhere along the line, she was broken. She started to cover her mouth when she ate, like a teenager wearing braces. Only she didn't have braces... she just let life defeat her.
So back to our homeless (or nearly so) guy at the Fluff-n-Fold... he was polite to everyone, making conversation about the weather and sports and so on. Sometimes it breaks my heart that God chose to make some people smarter or more gifted than others. All of the missed and wasted opportunities and that they don't know Vivaldi's Four Seasons or have tasted shrimp cocktail and Champagne. Or that they haven't read John Grisham or Kurt Vonnegut, or they don't know who Coldplay or Train is. Perhaps, just perhaps, they may use grammar better than me. Grin.
I chatted briefly with this man as I put clothes in the wash. Listened to him make general conversation with others, and then walked the wet clothes over to the dryer. Apparently I was in his way, because he stood about 3 feet to the right of me. I looked up and said "Sorry." It makes me feel bad to inconvenience people. Even when I'm doing something I have to do.
The man gave me a "some-r" teeth smile and said "You's People Too..'
The Grace that he was capable of giving to me was more than I was capable of that day. And I'm the one who's been given all this other Grace and gifts and Mercy. Hardly deserving!
I've been wondering why, and wondering what to do about that. And it just occurred to me that it's my signal to get off my fat butt and do some good for my fellow man, rather than sit here and feel unworthy about it.
From the book Skeleton Man by Tony Hillerman, a Native American tells this to the sheriff, about "white people" wearing and owning diamonds, or anything else of excess: "They collect these things to prove that they are better at being greedy than their friends." Ain't that the truth.
Kinda makes me want to live off the land, on a hillside in a grass hut.
Monday, December 26, 2005
Roses still Bloom in Chavez Square...
Okay okay... the roses in Chavez Square were finally gone last week. But folks... if you're in a place that winter lives... you totally understand my utter amazement vis a vis acceptance that it rains in California rather than snow -- there's roses and camilla in bloom rather than ice-icles (sp?). The hills have turned green again (from brown in July through November). Sigh. I still love it here.
Christmas night was wonderful: bottles of Champagne', bottles of Wine, and roast goose. Family, friends and loved ones. Presents thoughtful and extravigant.
Am I the only one who feels unworthy?
Alright... okay. I'm convinced that I the only thing I need on Christmas is my family. Frankly, I have a good job and can pretty much buy everything I want. (Even though some things are saved for Boyfriend, because I ain't buyin' myself diamonds -- that's his job!). Boyfriend and I talked about not exchanging gifts next year... because we really do feel bad that everyone goes off and spends and spends... and there are so many people who actually Need stuff and we know that we don't.
Next year, we're going to Costa Rica and work at a Mission for Spring break. Then, to build houses in Mexico and not exchange gifts with one-another at Christmas. But lil K has already announced that she will buy us gifts, because that's what she wants to do for the holidays.
Kiss kiss. Hug Hug!
Happy Holidays.
Dot.
Christmas night was wonderful: bottles of Champagne', bottles of Wine, and roast goose. Family, friends and loved ones. Presents thoughtful and extravigant.
Am I the only one who feels unworthy?
Alright... okay. I'm convinced that I the only thing I need on Christmas is my family. Frankly, I have a good job and can pretty much buy everything I want. (Even though some things are saved for Boyfriend, because I ain't buyin' myself diamonds -- that's his job!). Boyfriend and I talked about not exchanging gifts next year... because we really do feel bad that everyone goes off and spends and spends... and there are so many people who actually Need stuff and we know that we don't.
Next year, we're going to Costa Rica and work at a Mission for Spring break. Then, to build houses in Mexico and not exchange gifts with one-another at Christmas. But lil K has already announced that she will buy us gifts, because that's what she wants to do for the holidays.
Kiss kiss. Hug Hug!
Happy Holidays.
Dot.
Saturday, December 24, 2005
Feeling Better and Happy Holidays!
1) I hate hormones! Started a new pill last month and thought I was going nuts. Turns out that changing pills can actually make me have less mood swings. Imagine if you will: a day where I don't freak out!
2) Headed out in an hour. A Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperious New Year to each of you.
Peace,
Dot.
2) Headed out in an hour. A Merry Christmas and a Happy and Prosperious New Year to each of you.
Peace,
Dot.
Friday, December 23, 2005
Thursday, December 22, 2005
Stevie Ray...
Stevie Ray Vaughn died way too young. But he does to my heart with an electric guitar, what Kenny G does with a saxophone.
It's like all of the nerve endings in my whole body are blissed out at once!
Let's raise a glass for Stevie. Damn good.
Dot.
It's like all of the nerve endings in my whole body are blissed out at once!
Let's raise a glass for Stevie. Damn good.
Dot.
Wednesday, December 21, 2005
It just hit me....
Was reading today's "Purpose Driven Life" which talks about Grace and Mercy.
Grace is getting something that you don't deserve. (like God's Love)
Mercy is not getting what you do deserve. (like God's Wrath)
But I think that as humans, we have the capacity for Grace and Mercy as well. I'm being a selfish idiot, so please pray for me if you will, while I take a break from being high strung, and realize what a gift I have, for being healthy and alive and having a good job.
I'm such a rube sometimes too.
(in the words of our cousin Markus "oh Lord please forgive me")...
Peace.
Dot.
Grace is getting something that you don't deserve. (like God's Love)
Mercy is not getting what you do deserve. (like God's Wrath)
But I think that as humans, we have the capacity for Grace and Mercy as well. I'm being a selfish idiot, so please pray for me if you will, while I take a break from being high strung, and realize what a gift I have, for being healthy and alive and having a good job.
I'm such a rube sometimes too.
(in the words of our cousin Markus "oh Lord please forgive me")...
Peace.
Dot.
Dorothy's Got the Christmas Blues...
Although I'll never sound as blue-sy as ol' Bing pounding out the Christmas Blues, my heart holds the same kind of mellow hue. Reading Christmas Cards from friends takes me from the height of happiness when I read the little tomes... to the depths of sad when I rue how alone I am in my life.
My good friends sent a card that they are opening a custard and cocoa stand. A friend from college sent her new business card with a prestigious title from a national firm. My sister is an amazing knittress (crochetress just sounded gross). My boyfriend's son got married. His daughter got a job. Heck... I got a job and moved halfway across the country. But that doesn't mean much when you got the Chritmas Blues...
Know what? My first Christmas after the separation was like this. Laughing to Crying and then laughing again. Last year I was numb from the anti-depressants. Geez! I'm kinda mad at myself because if I'm a good little girl and stay busy and stuff.... I can just tough it out until there are people around who love me.
By the way: why is it that when we feel threatened, we tend to shit where we sleep? (Sorry for the drama today, M.W.... maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the alone. I miss you, dang-it!).
My good friends sent a card that they are opening a custard and cocoa stand. A friend from college sent her new business card with a prestigious title from a national firm. My sister is an amazing knittress (crochetress just sounded gross). My boyfriend's son got married. His daughter got a job. Heck... I got a job and moved halfway across the country. But that doesn't mean much when you got the Chritmas Blues...
Know what? My first Christmas after the separation was like this. Laughing to Crying and then laughing again. Last year I was numb from the anti-depressants. Geez! I'm kinda mad at myself because if I'm a good little girl and stay busy and stuff.... I can just tough it out until there are people around who love me.
By the way: why is it that when we feel threatened, we tend to shit where we sleep? (Sorry for the drama today, M.W.... maybe it's the rain, maybe it's the alone. I miss you, dang-it!).
Okay, Before You Judge me for being an IDIOT...
I swear I'm not going crazy. But don't you HATE waiting, when you don't know what you're waiting for?
Emotional meltdowns are my "New Black"
Back in the day we used to make fun of fashionistas in the fall, saying "Pink is the new black" meaning, "universal". Like, "everyone's doing it"...
Emotions are running high for me lately. Damn PMS for amplifying my already rocky emotional state! I can't help that I'm jumping up and down, crying and screaming inside for attention.
True, I'm not acting like an adult... but who does, when they fear that their relationship is stagnating, or slowing down? Yeah, yeah... everyone is busy and everyone has tons of plans that don't revolve around me. I just wish that I felt like I mattered in the scheme of things.
Like everyone has houses and neighborhoods, and spouses and kids and families and plans and Plans.... and they don't want/feel the need to -- share. I think it's the "Cry of the 30 year-old Single Person". I'm not the only one who feels this way... either you're a couple or you're not. And if not, you're too old for the singles scene and too young for the retirement scene.
There's a chance that I'm overreacting (in fact, a big chance)... but I'm really tired of feeling like one part or another part of my life is on hold! First it was my job, now my job is in good standing and my personal life feels like the dusty water from last night on the night-table.
Bleh... Cottonmouth.
Merry Christmas, whether alone or part of a family or "family" or just pretending...
Dot.
Emotions are running high for me lately. Damn PMS for amplifying my already rocky emotional state! I can't help that I'm jumping up and down, crying and screaming inside for attention.
True, I'm not acting like an adult... but who does, when they fear that their relationship is stagnating, or slowing down? Yeah, yeah... everyone is busy and everyone has tons of plans that don't revolve around me. I just wish that I felt like I mattered in the scheme of things.
Like everyone has houses and neighborhoods, and spouses and kids and families and plans and Plans.... and they don't want/feel the need to -- share. I think it's the "Cry of the 30 year-old Single Person". I'm not the only one who feels this way... either you're a couple or you're not. And if not, you're too old for the singles scene and too young for the retirement scene.
There's a chance that I'm overreacting (in fact, a big chance)... but I'm really tired of feeling like one part or another part of my life is on hold! First it was my job, now my job is in good standing and my personal life feels like the dusty water from last night on the night-table.
Bleh... Cottonmouth.
Merry Christmas, whether alone or part of a family or "family" or just pretending...
Dot.
Sunday, December 18, 2005
Landing on my own two Feet
Just over two years ago, when I began this blog... Every day felt like I'd just landed on the ground, from some decade-long trip to another planet. For some reason, today seemed like that too.
Coming back to myself, I think it's called. I'm starting to meet folks here in California, and starting to really wonder what I want out of my future.
Over the past 4 months, I've compiled a list of things which I will require from a partner, should I decide to go down that road again. At first the list was compiled out of feeling defenseless. Not that it's a prenup or anything.... but a girl has to know where she stands, right?
Anyways, after looking at my list tonight, a guy would really have to love me to even stay with me after reading it. Mostly my list has to do with things that I will do and that I expect my partner to do or not do.
On the bland side, I state that I alone will pay off my student loans from college and that I will not taking anything of his and he will not take anything of mine. On the controversial side... he is required attend at least one trip with me per year, to see my family (don't I deserve to be happy?) and I will consult him before making any purchase over $200 (don't we deserve to stay within our budget?). And the amorous side? No less than 10 minutes of kissing and cuddling per day and 2 <> 6 times per week. Additionally, any of these terms can be re-negotiated at our monthly "State of the Union" meeting.
Clearly I won't be making any extra friends with the way I feel. But damn it! There is so much to be had out of life, if we stop the conjecture and start with the livin'!
Come on.. time's a-wastin!
-Dot.
P.S. I'm an inpatient being this evening. My instinct is to re-race all that I've written and then apologize... but I am not in the habit for apologizing my true feelings. -- D.
Coming back to myself, I think it's called. I'm starting to meet folks here in California, and starting to really wonder what I want out of my future.
Over the past 4 months, I've compiled a list of things which I will require from a partner, should I decide to go down that road again. At first the list was compiled out of feeling defenseless. Not that it's a prenup or anything.... but a girl has to know where she stands, right?
Anyways, after looking at my list tonight, a guy would really have to love me to even stay with me after reading it. Mostly my list has to do with things that I will do and that I expect my partner to do or not do.
On the bland side, I state that I alone will pay off my student loans from college and that I will not taking anything of his and he will not take anything of mine. On the controversial side... he is required attend at least one trip with me per year, to see my family (don't I deserve to be happy?) and I will consult him before making any purchase over $200 (don't we deserve to stay within our budget?). And the amorous side? No less than 10 minutes of kissing and cuddling per day and 2 <> 6 times per week. Additionally, any of these terms can be re-negotiated at our monthly "State of the Union" meeting.
Clearly I won't be making any extra friends with the way I feel. But damn it! There is so much to be had out of life, if we stop the conjecture and start with the livin'!
Come on.. time's a-wastin!
-Dot.
P.S. I'm an inpatient being this evening. My instinct is to re-race all that I've written and then apologize... but I am not in the habit for apologizing my true feelings. -- D.
Laundromat Misadventures
Part 1:
Homeless man had a Christmas Wreath lashed to his shopping cart, not unlike some people do to their SUVs.
Part 2:
Said homeless man actually smelled better than smelly Zeke that came to see me at work a few weeks back! EEWWwww!
Part 3:
The really scuzzy man sitting next to me was wearing $300 shoes!
Part 4:
The owner, Marcie, is a really old-school earth momma with a prairie skirt and chenille stockings, complete with ducky boots. I love her lack of style!
Homeless man had a Christmas Wreath lashed to his shopping cart, not unlike some people do to their SUVs.
Part 2:
Said homeless man actually smelled better than smelly Zeke that came to see me at work a few weeks back! EEWWwww!
Part 3:
The really scuzzy man sitting next to me was wearing $300 shoes!
Part 4:
The owner, Marcie, is a really old-school earth momma with a prairie skirt and chenille stockings, complete with ducky boots. I love her lack of style!
Saturday, December 17, 2005
My Secret Crush... Captain Von Trapp!
During my latest watching of the Sound of Music, I realized that I've seen it more often than the origin of the namesake of this blog (Wizard of Oz). Both movies I love... but baby, there's only one tall, dark, and handsome Georg Von Trapp! Plus.. he sings, he dances, and he's got a place in his heart for short-haired girls!
Even though the blond-haired Baroness is a bit stuffy... I always thought she was beautiful and pretty much wanted to be her. LOL.
Can't think of anything better on a cold and rainy night, than remembering my girlhood crush on the head of the family Von Trapp (movie edition). Sigh.
Peace.
Dot.
Even though the blond-haired Baroness is a bit stuffy... I always thought she was beautiful and pretty much wanted to be her. LOL.
Can't think of anything better on a cold and rainy night, than remembering my girlhood crush on the head of the family Von Trapp (movie edition). Sigh.
Peace.
Dot.
Thursday, December 08, 2005
Adrenaline Rush
At 1:10 yesterday morning, I was rudely awakened by a skittering of an out-of-control automobile rambling down the street. Crash! Bang! Boom! Hooooooonnnnnnnkkkk!
After my heart started beating again, I peeked out the blinds. Two people were walking down the street in their pajamas trying to find out what had happened. I ended up staying awake until 2:00 because it was such an unwelcome rush.
My flight is at 9 this morning. Prayers are desired, as I'm quite the nervous flyer. In fact, I'll be encountering three airports that I've never been to before.
Peace.
Dot.
After my heart started beating again, I peeked out the blinds. Two people were walking down the street in their pajamas trying to find out what had happened. I ended up staying awake until 2:00 because it was such an unwelcome rush.
My flight is at 9 this morning. Prayers are desired, as I'm quite the nervous flyer. In fact, I'll be encountering three airports that I've never been to before.
Peace.
Dot.
A List of Perfect Days
Childhood
5-6 years old: the day I learned to ride a bike... metallic blue with a flag seat
7 years old: the day Daddy sat on the porch swing with me and made me be not so afraid of the lightening
9 years old: the day I was told that I could make a living, studying and forecasting the weather.
Teens
14 years old: my first kiss
17 years old: the day with the perfect bathing suit, perfect jeans, and "jet noise" t-shirt at the Air National Guard Base.
Twenties
20 years old: my first trip to a city without my folks, Toronto, learning that I did not have to follow parental rules any longer.
26 years old: listening to my plastic surgeon tell me that the cancer was gone.
27 years old: the day I got my first job in meteorology
Thirties
30 years old: The day I moved out from my ex... shopping for a twin bed and new sheets ... the light outside, the coolness, and my aching heart starting to heal.
32 years old: Hearing M.W. tell someone that this was the best year of his life (good business, great girlfriend, etc.)
I'm sure there were other days, but these are the best untainted ones.
Off to get a haircut.... let's hear it: should I post a pic???
Peace.
Dot.
5-6 years old: the day I learned to ride a bike... metallic blue with a flag seat
7 years old: the day Daddy sat on the porch swing with me and made me be not so afraid of the lightening
9 years old: the day I was told that I could make a living, studying and forecasting the weather.
Teens
14 years old: my first kiss
17 years old: the day with the perfect bathing suit, perfect jeans, and "jet noise" t-shirt at the Air National Guard Base.
Twenties
20 years old: my first trip to a city without my folks, Toronto, learning that I did not have to follow parental rules any longer.
26 years old: listening to my plastic surgeon tell me that the cancer was gone.
27 years old: the day I got my first job in meteorology
Thirties
30 years old: The day I moved out from my ex... shopping for a twin bed and new sheets ... the light outside, the coolness, and my aching heart starting to heal.
32 years old: Hearing M.W. tell someone that this was the best year of his life (good business, great girlfriend, etc.)
I'm sure there were other days, but these are the best untainted ones.
Off to get a haircut.... let's hear it: should I post a pic???
Peace.
Dot.
Monday, December 05, 2005
It's Only Because I Know How Bad It Can Be....
Last night I kinda freaked out: M.W. has been a little different (the better kind) lately, and it freaked me out. Girls, you know what I mean -- everyone always says that if their s.o. is fooling around, that they noticed some changes before $h!7 hit the fan. His kisses seem sweeter, touches softer, and generally, all-around better.
And I was a jerk last night. After some tequila. (Does tequila do that to everyone? Either make them cuddly if with someone, or ready to fight -- or cry -- if they're alone?). He is like, the most popular person I know, and he's going out to dinner every night this week. And so I got jealous and asked him if he wanted someone else!!!! I am an idiot.
So why can't I trust?
Because of what I mentioned in the title. Essentially, I know how emotionally untrustworthy I had been before I met my ex-husband. And when things were going downhill with him, I had a number of emotional "things" (I hesitate to call them relationships, because these were not individuals I had ever met in life) with people.
Now that I am living my life 100% in the light of day... my suspicions run wild. A friend did that to me when she went legit, as well.
Let me apologize to M.W. for being a jerk. And let me say how pleased I am to be proud of my life, in front of everyone. It's a contant struggle to build up my self-esteem, knowing the place from whence I came.
But ain't we all just works in progress?
dot.
And I was a jerk last night. After some tequila. (Does tequila do that to everyone? Either make them cuddly if with someone, or ready to fight -- or cry -- if they're alone?). He is like, the most popular person I know, and he's going out to dinner every night this week. And so I got jealous and asked him if he wanted someone else!!!! I am an idiot.
So why can't I trust?
Because of what I mentioned in the title. Essentially, I know how emotionally untrustworthy I had been before I met my ex-husband. And when things were going downhill with him, I had a number of emotional "things" (I hesitate to call them relationships, because these were not individuals I had ever met in life) with people.
Now that I am living my life 100% in the light of day... my suspicions run wild. A friend did that to me when she went legit, as well.
Let me apologize to M.W. for being a jerk. And let me say how pleased I am to be proud of my life, in front of everyone. It's a contant struggle to build up my self-esteem, knowing the place from whence I came.
But ain't we all just works in progress?
dot.
Sunday, December 04, 2005
Adventures with Ms Thang
Adventures with Ms. Thang (including why she has such a low self-opinion).
In high school, they all lined up and duked it out, deciding amongst themselves, who was going to date her next. A few times, she was tricked into going out with one, by the guy whose place was after that one… just so his turn would come up sooner. Once, she skipped a guy on down the line, and he did his best to make her life a living hell for his last semester.
Something happened to Ms. Thang in college. She thought she was in love, thought she would stay in Michigan for the rest of her life. So she gave up on adventure, preferring instead, to cook meals for her groom, work to pay his way through college, and suffer through more cold winters than she could ever care to do.
Instead of a boring life, she felt like someone was standing behind her with a hot poker, threatening all kinds of pain if she didn’t get on with her life (damn it!), go back to school, get the career of her dreams, become a mommy, live on a ranch with animals for the kids… you know… the “American Dream”, as it were.
And back to school she went, so driven to do the right thing; she barely took the time to have fun! Someone inspired her to go farther from home than she ever thought possible… Well, it was a mix of cancer and someone wonderful, which helped her to realize that the world is big, but that you can always have adventures and still come home.
So she suffered through a decade of that marriage, and became what most would term a woman as the B word (she’s proud of it… because powerful men are called “respectable” so in her eyes, “Bitch” means “Respectable”). But it still hurts her feelings.
Now she’s 1500 miles away from “before” and 2000 miles away from “beginning”… but it’s close to her heart. Three things happened to Ms. Thang today, that made her wonder if she’s still “got it” like she did in school. Oh no no… she’s not interested in the line-up… but it still made her smile.
But why is she insecure? Because everyone always fails eventually… right? The fear of having faith in what she wants sometimes paralyzes her. Just today, she tried breaking out of the box, and she found out that the box had been laid in dog-poo. Great. It was counteracted by other good things, so today is a wash.
Seriously though: how does she create faith? A thought skittered across her mind:
“Friendship, Love and Fidelity”…
In high school, they all lined up and duked it out, deciding amongst themselves, who was going to date her next. A few times, she was tricked into going out with one, by the guy whose place was after that one… just so his turn would come up sooner. Once, she skipped a guy on down the line, and he did his best to make her life a living hell for his last semester.
Something happened to Ms. Thang in college. She thought she was in love, thought she would stay in Michigan for the rest of her life. So she gave up on adventure, preferring instead, to cook meals for her groom, work to pay his way through college, and suffer through more cold winters than she could ever care to do.
Instead of a boring life, she felt like someone was standing behind her with a hot poker, threatening all kinds of pain if she didn’t get on with her life (damn it!), go back to school, get the career of her dreams, become a mommy, live on a ranch with animals for the kids… you know… the “American Dream”, as it were.
And back to school she went, so driven to do the right thing; she barely took the time to have fun! Someone inspired her to go farther from home than she ever thought possible… Well, it was a mix of cancer and someone wonderful, which helped her to realize that the world is big, but that you can always have adventures and still come home.
So she suffered through a decade of that marriage, and became what most would term a woman as the B word (she’s proud of it… because powerful men are called “respectable” so in her eyes, “Bitch” means “Respectable”). But it still hurts her feelings.
Now she’s 1500 miles away from “before” and 2000 miles away from “beginning”… but it’s close to her heart. Three things happened to Ms. Thang today, that made her wonder if she’s still “got it” like she did in school. Oh no no… she’s not interested in the line-up… but it still made her smile.
But why is she insecure? Because everyone always fails eventually… right? The fear of having faith in what she wants sometimes paralyzes her. Just today, she tried breaking out of the box, and she found out that the box had been laid in dog-poo. Great. It was counteracted by other good things, so today is a wash.
Seriously though: how does she create faith? A thought skittered across her mind:
“Friendship, Love and Fidelity”…
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