ME!!!!!
Guess.
No really, guess!
Kiki used my laptop last night, and didn't log off.
I used my laptop this afternoon and wondered why in HELL her mother, M.W.'s former shrew would email me. So....
wait for it...
So I emailed her back, telling her what a special daughter she has, and that is was in no small part because of shrew and M.W.
And then... I realized...
that....
Shrew had not emailed me... she emailed her daughter....
and...
I had inadvertantly sent that (blasted) reply from Kiki's account.
So what have I just done? Accused the Shrew of sending me a message, then replying to it from her daughter's account, only to realize that I'm an idiot, and a pretty poor specimen, ta boot! I apologized to Kiki, but I'm not going to send Shrew a note, because.. why? Then she'd have my email address, and she already hates me, so frickin' WHY?
My mom is going to laugh when I tell her what I did. M.W. told me to take an Internet 101 class at the local community collage.
Thanks. I think I'll stop programming for a while a the office, so I can go back and learn email ettiquette.
At least I tried to kill her with kindess? (Die, bitch, DIE!)
Shame-faced,
Dot.
Saturday, October 29, 2005
Settling....
...In
Into the California Leftist movement, that is. I kinda like this quote I heard today
...Down
After a long and nice weekend, I had to come home so I could work tomorrow. We spent a wonderful afternoon with M.W.'s Newlyweds, walking around their new town, eating lunch, and talking. About writing a book... M.W. and I are talking about writing a book together. He wants to do it, and I have the time. Sounds like a match made in .... well.... at least in San Francisco, eh?
I'm so excited about it, I'm practically jittery. Add in some coffee, a few diet cokes and the speed-bump du jour, and you might tell me to take a time out! AAAAHHHH!
...Just Settling
Joints settle. So do houses, ideas, and prospects. Fear precipitates and then settles, and rain, I'm sure, does the same. It's natural... but why does everyone fear that I'm doing it? (I'm not, BTW). Last time I checked, I am a grown, educated woman who wants what she wants. Why, pray, would I have moved to California, if I was so all-fired into settling for something less than what I want out of life?
...Out
Guess I should have placed the rain comment here. But anyways, I gotta get out, gotta make some friends, and then maybe settling for something outside of the realm of what I normally deem suitable, would not be so far-fetched.
Editor's note: Frankly, I like who I am and... I like what I like. No one has ever forced me into liking something that I did not... although perhaps I have. With truth on our side, we can discover our hearts and then be true to them.
Into the California Leftist movement, that is. I kinda like this quote I heard today
"One of the penalties for refusing to participate in politics is that you end up being governed by your inferiors" - Plato
...Down
After a long and nice weekend, I had to come home so I could work tomorrow. We spent a wonderful afternoon with M.W.'s Newlyweds, walking around their new town, eating lunch, and talking. About writing a book... M.W. and I are talking about writing a book together. He wants to do it, and I have the time. Sounds like a match made in .... well.... at least in San Francisco, eh?
I'm so excited about it, I'm practically jittery. Add in some coffee, a few diet cokes and the speed-bump du jour, and you might tell me to take a time out! AAAAHHHH!
...Just Settling
Joints settle. So do houses, ideas, and prospects. Fear precipitates and then settles, and rain, I'm sure, does the same. It's natural... but why does everyone fear that I'm doing it? (I'm not, BTW). Last time I checked, I am a grown, educated woman who wants what she wants. Why, pray, would I have moved to California, if I was so all-fired into settling for something less than what I want out of life?
...Out
Guess I should have placed the rain comment here. But anyways, I gotta get out, gotta make some friends, and then maybe settling for something outside of the realm of what I normally deem suitable, would not be so far-fetched.
Editor's note: Frankly, I like who I am and... I like what I like. No one has ever forced me into liking something that I did not... although perhaps I have. With truth on our side, we can discover our hearts and then be true to them.
Thursday, October 27, 2005
Obsolete-o-Phobia: Duh. The Fear of Becoming Obsolete
It happens to everyone in the lifespan of their career: they choose where they want to land, and maintain, but never really move ahead once again. They've become obsolete.
In meteorology these days, it's all about computers and computing. Some of the old timers here -- and especially some really talented meteorologists -- are useless to us because they are uncomfortable in learning and doing something which is completely natural to us X-ers and Y-ers (technically speaking, I'm a Y-er, but I've always considered myself an X-er)... Simply operating a comuter is mystifying to the old-timers. One dude comes in and says what a horrible met shop we are, because we no longer print out the weather maps and hang them on the wall.
Our technology is a complete dissapointment to him, because in our effort to save paper, the lionshare of our work is now available to the public from inside of a plastic and metal box, with wires and circuits and excited electrons running around inside displayed on a glowing cathode-ray tube or lcd display panel, rather than on show on the back wall of our crappy-doodle office on floor 7 of this awesome and very secure high-rise.
M.W. told me this morning that it's great I'm learning to program more, because the future of meteorology is in programming. He said that if I wanted to move up and do meaningful work in the biz... I'd have to be more adaptable and better programmer. Yikes! I'm starting to feel desperate, like I have to do it to stay alive.
....deep....breath....
Dot.
In meteorology these days, it's all about computers and computing. Some of the old timers here -- and especially some really talented meteorologists -- are useless to us because they are uncomfortable in learning and doing something which is completely natural to us X-ers and Y-ers (technically speaking, I'm a Y-er, but I've always considered myself an X-er)... Simply operating a comuter is mystifying to the old-timers. One dude comes in and says what a horrible met shop we are, because we no longer print out the weather maps and hang them on the wall.
Our technology is a complete dissapointment to him, because in our effort to save paper, the lionshare of our work is now available to the public from inside of a plastic and metal box, with wires and circuits and excited electrons running around inside displayed on a glowing cathode-ray tube or lcd display panel, rather than on show on the back wall of our crappy-doodle office on floor 7 of this awesome and very secure high-rise.
M.W. told me this morning that it's great I'm learning to program more, because the future of meteorology is in programming. He said that if I wanted to move up and do meaningful work in the biz... I'd have to be more adaptable and better programmer. Yikes! I'm starting to feel desperate, like I have to do it to stay alive.
....deep....breath....
Dot.
Taking the Slow Boat (non-rant)
I've discovered something I really like to do: driving below the speed limit when I'm not in a hurry.
Sounds nutty, eh? But California is a huge state, and you just can't get anywhere unless you drive like a madman with both fists on the wheel, white-knuckled until they're bleeding, acid pouring into the tum-tum, and cell phone pasted to the side of your head.
Respect and Respect Totum Pole (rant)
I know, I know... I've turned into one of them pretty quickly, you're thinking. No. The funniest thing happened the other day when I realized that people from the Bay are *so* different than the rest of us hanging out here in Nor Cal. M.W. is from the Bay Area, so I'm treading lightly here.... but let's just say that all of the things that I love about where he lives -- the diversity, sophistication, all of the Apple stores, Starbucks, specialty bookstores, Clubs, and bike trails -- is why I don't mind living in the Valley -- it reminds me of rural Michigan, growing up, a lack of pretense, feeling comfortable with who I am, and generally being accepted on my own merits, instead of having to have connections.
I have both: Merits and Connections. But I hate that whole fat-cat, glad-handing, smiling at someone even when they occupy a perennial position at the base of your Respect Totum-pole kind of existance.
And it's not that M.W. is any part of the what I don't like about where he lives -- in fact, he's quite above it all, to the point where it doesn't even occur to him that he exists quite nicely in both the la-de-da points of life, as well as wearing sweatpants to the grocery store and eating fast food kind of life.
Actually my railing to the smiling fat-cats is more that I don't like the corporations to whom they belong... namely one to which I used to belong. While these business connections are great, it's irksome the ways that they do business. It's ONLY business, I know, I know... but what about the meteorology?
Shiver.... Blink... Swoosh.... Wow.... (rant-lite)
Weather is my life. I don't think I am out of line to say it's M.W.'s life, too. Families and relationships change and grow, but the wonder and beauty and awesome power of nature lies in our hearts. It's not just the desire to understand the weather and act as a liason to the public... no... of all the mets I know, none of them do it for the power, the glory, the money. Passion is what it's all about.
Rain, wind, clouds, hail, snow, lightning, thunder, hurricanes, tornadoes.
Peace
Dot.
Sounds nutty, eh? But California is a huge state, and you just can't get anywhere unless you drive like a madman with both fists on the wheel, white-knuckled until they're bleeding, acid pouring into the tum-tum, and cell phone pasted to the side of your head.
Respect and Respect Totum Pole (rant)
I know, I know... I've turned into one of them pretty quickly, you're thinking. No. The funniest thing happened the other day when I realized that people from the Bay are *so* different than the rest of us hanging out here in Nor Cal. M.W. is from the Bay Area, so I'm treading lightly here.... but let's just say that all of the things that I love about where he lives -- the diversity, sophistication, all of the Apple stores, Starbucks, specialty bookstores, Clubs, and bike trails -- is why I don't mind living in the Valley -- it reminds me of rural Michigan, growing up, a lack of pretense, feeling comfortable with who I am, and generally being accepted on my own merits, instead of having to have connections.
I have both: Merits and Connections. But I hate that whole fat-cat, glad-handing, smiling at someone even when they occupy a perennial position at the base of your Respect Totum-pole kind of existance.
And it's not that M.W. is any part of the what I don't like about where he lives -- in fact, he's quite above it all, to the point where it doesn't even occur to him that he exists quite nicely in both the la-de-da points of life, as well as wearing sweatpants to the grocery store and eating fast food kind of life.
Actually my railing to the smiling fat-cats is more that I don't like the corporations to whom they belong... namely one to which I used to belong. While these business connections are great, it's irksome the ways that they do business. It's ONLY business, I know, I know... but what about the meteorology?
Shiver.... Blink... Swoosh.... Wow.... (rant-lite)
Weather is my life. I don't think I am out of line to say it's M.W.'s life, too. Families and relationships change and grow, but the wonder and beauty and awesome power of nature lies in our hearts. It's not just the desire to understand the weather and act as a liason to the public... no... of all the mets I know, none of them do it for the power, the glory, the money. Passion is what it's all about.
Rain, wind, clouds, hail, snow, lightning, thunder, hurricanes, tornadoes.
Peace
Dot.
Wednesday, October 26, 2005
Introspective
Have you ever gotten yourself into a place where, emotionally, you feel like you're going to explode? Like you can't express yourself, and you know it's just a matter of time until you go "wacky-ass" on someone? Ha... I know that my dear twinsey, Jayleigh, knows what I'm talking about.
Anyways... in the past two years, I've felt like that a lot. But... rarely have I done it. Last night, Kiki took the train up here and we went to a concert together. She's so sweet and nice and thoughtful.... but she wanted to talk about me and her dad, and about her mom (the wretch who hates me) and about how she doesn't approve that I am sleeping with her dad, but that she also loves him and me in spite of it.
After the concert, I took her back to meet with her dad. Something clicked inside of me. A click of responsibility? Okay. A click of "It's gonna be alright?" Yup.
In all of the time I spend worrying about my relationship with M.W., about how his ex hates me... and whether or not his kids love me or not... I've forgotten that I'm living my life!!!
And what a life it is! It's raining out and I'm going to flip on a sweatshirt and walk to the gym. With my bumbershoot.
Peace
Dot.
Anyways... in the past two years, I've felt like that a lot. But... rarely have I done it. Last night, Kiki took the train up here and we went to a concert together. She's so sweet and nice and thoughtful.... but she wanted to talk about me and her dad, and about her mom (the wretch who hates me) and about how she doesn't approve that I am sleeping with her dad, but that she also loves him and me in spite of it.
After the concert, I took her back to meet with her dad. Something clicked inside of me. A click of responsibility? Okay. A click of "It's gonna be alright?" Yup.
In all of the time I spend worrying about my relationship with M.W., about how his ex hates me... and whether or not his kids love me or not... I've forgotten that I'm living my life!!!
And what a life it is! It's raining out and I'm going to flip on a sweatshirt and walk to the gym. With my bumbershoot.
Peace
Dot.
Sunday, October 23, 2005
Saturday, October 22, 2005
The Warmth... The Desire.... The... Beef Stroganoff Crave...
It started simply enough -- cravings for a good old-fashioned comfort food. Even the hamburg (yeah, I said hamburg, alright? HAM-BURG. That's the way we said it in the Midwest, get over it)-mushroom soup kind would have done.
After waiting almost a month since this craving began... I made it last night. Sirloin tips. Whole-fat sour cream. Beef consumme. Parsley. Before seconds last night, M.W. suggested some sherry mixed in. Bingo. Then for the leftovers today.... the freshest, "ripest" San Francisco sourdough (alright, it was Solano Baking Co. for him and Sacramento Baking Co. for me)... but you get the picture. BAM!
Gud Fud! (translated: Good Food).
Dot.
After waiting almost a month since this craving began... I made it last night. Sirloin tips. Whole-fat sour cream. Beef consumme. Parsley. Before seconds last night, M.W. suggested some sherry mixed in. Bingo. Then for the leftovers today.... the freshest, "ripest" San Francisco sourdough (alright, it was Solano Baking Co. for him and Sacramento Baking Co. for me)... but you get the picture. BAM!
Gud Fud! (translated: Good Food).
Dot.
Thursday, October 20, 2005
The Wanderling on Weather Forecasting
I traded emails today, with a girl I used to know. (I say "Used to know" since we were once friends and due to my moving 8 times in ten years, kind of lost contact). She's the near-twin of a bit of a hero of mine, Katherine Turner. Okay, at my age, I should use the word "Woman"... but you don't think of your previous bar-buddies as adults. Especially when you were busy coping with life by not dealing with it. "Drowning your sorrows" as it were.
She asked me if all of the meteorologists I know, were making bets on where Wilma was expected to make landfall (thanks to M.W. for the image). Okay, I have to say before I told you my reply, that I'm on super-charged hormonal PMS-dom today. Everything is making me cry... even the Hydrogen Semi-truck parked downstairs, with a nearby town from where I grew up, plastered on the side: Fenton, MI. So what did I say to "Ms. Turner"? At first, we get all excited about this powerful, awesome force of Nature. Then we start to feel ill, realizing that this power is going to kill people and ruin homes and lives.
Bleh.
It really came home to me back in 2003 when I peered out from under a mattress in my then-home, happy to find that I did not, in fact, die in a tornado that was a mere mile from my home. Phew.
So no, this girl isn't interested in wagering on people's lives. I don't think any of us are. We have a certain... respect... for the power, the uncertainty, the fear of making a bad forecast that will change people's lives. It's a big responsibility.
And Thank God I'm not part of FEMA....
She asked me if all of the meteorologists I know, were making bets on where Wilma was expected to make landfall (thanks to M.W. for the image). Okay, I have to say before I told you my reply, that I'm on super-charged hormonal PMS-dom today. Everything is making me cry... even the Hydrogen Semi-truck parked downstairs, with a nearby town from where I grew up, plastered on the side: Fenton, MI. So what did I say to "Ms. Turner"? At first, we get all excited about this powerful, awesome force of Nature. Then we start to feel ill, realizing that this power is going to kill people and ruin homes and lives.
Bleh.
It really came home to me back in 2003 when I peered out from under a mattress in my then-home, happy to find that I did not, in fact, die in a tornado that was a mere mile from my home. Phew.
So no, this girl isn't interested in wagering on people's lives. I don't think any of us are. We have a certain... respect... for the power, the uncertainty, the fear of making a bad forecast that will change people's lives. It's a big responsibility.
And Thank God I'm not part of FEMA....
Here is Gone
The other night... maybe it was last night after some cold pills, that I thought about here, about now. Life is fluid.
What is here today will be gone tomorrow. It's a fact. It's impossible to make your life be the same in a day, a week, a month, as it is today. Here is gone. You have to make a new here every day.
Mercifully, today is different than yesterday, last week, last month, last year. Life progresses, and people can and do change. Relationships and families and loves and lives change. It's naive to think that one can have things NOT change.
In my former marriage, I was the one who changed, far beyond that which my spouse could or was willing to keep up with. M.W.'s marriage was similar, with he as the changer.
It's okay to be a little afriad...
I've been so afraid to change since I moved to the Golden State.... don't want to lose me, or lose sight of this awsome best friend, this partner with whom I share so much. My bike ride a few days ago proved to me, that no matter how upset and afraid of the future I am.... I can still function and still be happy and still find love and life... and still move forward.
Some reassurance would nice...
I miss my mommy. It would be so nice to have her pat my back and tell me that everything is going to be alright. Does everyone have moments which they feel like this about their lives? Afraid to move forward, terrified of losing ground?
There is this song ... part of the lyrics go "Just remember I love you, and it'll be alright... Just remember I love you, much more than I can say...." I kinda need that kind of reassurance right now.
Peace,
Dot.
What is here today will be gone tomorrow. It's a fact. It's impossible to make your life be the same in a day, a week, a month, as it is today. Here is gone. You have to make a new here every day.
Mercifully, today is different than yesterday, last week, last month, last year. Life progresses, and people can and do change. Relationships and families and loves and lives change. It's naive to think that one can have things NOT change.
In my former marriage, I was the one who changed, far beyond that which my spouse could or was willing to keep up with. M.W.'s marriage was similar, with he as the changer.
It's okay to be a little afriad...
I've been so afraid to change since I moved to the Golden State.... don't want to lose me, or lose sight of this awsome best friend, this partner with whom I share so much. My bike ride a few days ago proved to me, that no matter how upset and afraid of the future I am.... I can still function and still be happy and still find love and life... and still move forward.
Some reassurance would nice...
I miss my mommy. It would be so nice to have her pat my back and tell me that everything is going to be alright. Does everyone have moments which they feel like this about their lives? Afraid to move forward, terrified of losing ground?
There is this song ... part of the lyrics go "Just remember I love you, and it'll be alright... Just remember I love you, much more than I can say...." I kinda need that kind of reassurance right now.
Peace,
Dot.
Sunday, October 16, 2005
Endorphin-pig(let)
I didn't want to go for a ride today. But when I got out on that trail and started pounding my muscles against gravity, feeling the wind in my hair and dodging the shopping cart of some left-over vagrant... it felt like a million bucks.
13.3 miles later, I was tired. But I would've gone 10 more miles if I knew that there might be a double-dip Ben&Jerry's at the end! Or even an ice-cold diet coke(tm). Right now, it's after 11 pm and I'm so revved up and riled, that I can barely settle down.
The endorphin rush is really awesome. So is ice-cream.
Hehehe
I missed him
My bike buddy, M.W.... My partner in so many things. Laughing, movie-going, and smooching on occasion as well.
Our schedules have been so weird lately. When I'm off, he's working. When he's off, I'm working. I don't think we'll have more than a two-hour date between now and Thanksgiving. But that turkey will taste a ton better sitting next to my sweetie, best friend, and partner in all endeavors competitive.
13.3 miles later, I was tired. But I would've gone 10 more miles if I knew that there might be a double-dip Ben&Jerry's at the end! Or even an ice-cold diet coke(tm). Right now, it's after 11 pm and I'm so revved up and riled, that I can barely settle down.
The endorphin rush is really awesome. So is ice-cream.
Hehehe
I missed him
My bike buddy, M.W.... My partner in so many things. Laughing, movie-going, and smooching on occasion as well.
Our schedules have been so weird lately. When I'm off, he's working. When he's off, I'm working. I don't think we'll have more than a two-hour date between now and Thanksgiving. But that turkey will taste a ton better sitting next to my sweetie, best friend, and partner in all endeavors competitive.
Saturday, October 15, 2005
Oh and guess what else, Sally?
I've actually been in your house half-a-dozen times before.
Your kids happily invited me in, with and without your Ex.
And I've mocked your ugly furniture to it's face.
M.W. and I held hands and kissed on the doorstep,
We played with your dog in the back yard,
And we sat on the steps to your ugly 2nd floor, making fun of you.
So there.
Oh, and we took sodas out of your fridge, too.
Your kids happily invited me in, with and without your Ex.
And I've mocked your ugly furniture to it's face.
M.W. and I held hands and kissed on the doorstep,
We played with your dog in the back yard,
And we sat on the steps to your ugly 2nd floor, making fun of you.
So there.
Oh, and we took sodas out of your fridge, too.
An Example of why M.W.'s Ex is such a Bitch:
She is on her honeymoon. The ink's barely dried on her divorce papers (okay, it's been probably 8 months since her divorce, 23 months since her separation), and she's taken up with M.W.'s [former] best friend, newly married [in what I imagine was a gaudy and completely common wedding, without a lick of originality, and lots of white roses and pomp and tawdry details, with all of her friends who pretend to like her because she's nice to their faces, but she's really a shrew in a nurse's uniform] on a Mediterranean Cruise. The bitch. That's not why I hate her today.
Today... her son and his new wife are moving out of her house, and into their first apartment as a married couple. All of the way from the sunny cruise, she called to make sure that Kiki knew that if I were present to help move... I was not allowed into the house.
Come again? Yes, she said that if I came over to help the Newlyweds, I could not enter her ugly-ass house. (No, I'm not being spiteful... it's an ugly design, adding in the poorly applied "faux" paint finish and the pansy-tapestried club chairs with ruffles at the bottom... Sally's house is frighteningly "keep-up-with-the-Jones-ish" and even moreso "I don't have an eye for decorating, so I copy my girlfriends, so we can all have matching HOUSES in MATCHING SUBURBS and we can all eat MEAT AND POTATOES EVERY NIGHT BECAUSE WE ARE ORDINARY... but not just ORDINARY ordinary... WE're SNOBS about it!")
Okay... I'm a little more than pissed at her today, and I'm a little more than hurt that she should tell her daughter not to let me in the house. Because Kiki would let me in the house... but she also did just what her mom wanted her to do -- tell me that I'm not "supposed" to.
Today... her son and his new wife are moving out of her house, and into their first apartment as a married couple. All of the way from the sunny cruise, she called to make sure that Kiki knew that if I were present to help move... I was not allowed into the house.
Come again? Yes, she said that if I came over to help the Newlyweds, I could not enter her ugly-ass house. (No, I'm not being spiteful... it's an ugly design, adding in the poorly applied "faux" paint finish and the pansy-tapestried club chairs with ruffles at the bottom... Sally's house is frighteningly "keep-up-with-the-Jones-ish" and even moreso "I don't have an eye for decorating, so I copy my girlfriends, so we can all have matching HOUSES in MATCHING SUBURBS and we can all eat MEAT AND POTATOES EVERY NIGHT BECAUSE WE ARE ORDINARY... but not just ORDINARY ordinary... WE're SNOBS about it!")
Okay... I'm a little more than pissed at her today, and I'm a little more than hurt that she should tell her daughter not to let me in the house. Because Kiki would let me in the house... but she also did just what her mom wanted her to do -- tell me that I'm not "supposed" to.
Friday, October 14, 2005
Sad Music
Patty Griffin's Rain used to be my fave song ever.... I probably posted it in my blog back in 2003, when I started my ickle puppy. It made me cry every time I heard it, because I was hurting inside and all.
It doesn't make me cry anymore....
It doesn't make me cry anymore....
Wednesday, October 12, 2005
Rock <-- Me --> Hard Place
I hate being an intelligent adult. STOMP.
I hate understanding someone else's side of the story and still wanting what I want! STOMP
I hate Money. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP!
(for a list of items that cost more than doing the right thing, and less than $1,000, click here, and enter my email address (if you don't know it... you're outta luck!)).
On another note... [M.W. and] I have signed up for another walk... the breast cancer walk for the Camerican Cancer Society in a few weeks. It is meaningful to me when we make plans and keep them -- sounds funny, but he's always so busy, his time is a premium. So this little bit of time is what I end up looking forward to, all month.
At least I am trying to do some good toward the remainder of the universe. Whether it's together or alone, I'm doing some good. And getting to know myself better. That should come in handy some day.
-- Dot.
I hate understanding someone else's side of the story and still wanting what I want! STOMP
I hate Money. STOMP. STOMP. STOMP!
(for a list of items that cost more than doing the right thing, and less than $1,000, click here, and enter my email address (if you don't know it... you're outta luck!)).
On another note... [M.W. and] I have signed up for another walk... the breast cancer walk for the Camerican Cancer Society in a few weeks. It is meaningful to me when we make plans and keep them -- sounds funny, but he's always so busy, his time is a premium. So this little bit of time is what I end up looking forward to, all month.
At least I am trying to do some good toward the remainder of the universe. Whether it's together or alone, I'm doing some good. And getting to know myself better. That should come in handy some day.
-- Dot.
Tuesday, October 11, 2005
Cherish the Life....
Only two short years ago, I had this big fight with what is now my ex. He threatened my safey, he threatened my life! I used to sit in my bedroom and hope that he would have a traffic accident on the way home from work.... maybe someone tragic would harm him before he arrived.... or.... what would happen if ... could I....?
We swore and cursed at eachother. Sometimes I hit his arms and chest in anger. He often shoved me against a wall, or onto the bed or floor. He would hold me down and I kicked him. He screamed into my face and told me that I made him hate his life, made him want to kill himself. Even while I hated him, my heart was dying. It became a cold black lump of tar before I left.
I left 23 months and 3 weeks ago. Because the incident happened exactly two years ago today. And exactly two years ago today, I decided to leave.
All of the doctors and therapists told me that it would take two years to get over the divorce. I thought that they were insane! I was fine... look at me! ... now, two years later, I think it took just this long to wind down. The dealing with it part has come in stages.
But after spending a luxuriously long weekend with M.W., I felt encouraged that my life is advancing slow enough for me to keep up with it, and almost fast enough to keep me from being annoyed :) ...
His separation happened in the same week as mine, although they were unrelated. In an email then a phone call that ended up changing our lives, we were there for eachother. I had always been afraid that we were just commiserating all of this time... that when we felt appropriately healed, that we may've just let the other slip away... instead, I found a best friend, a partner in business, in work, in happiness.... in life. I've found inspiration and a way to cherish my life once again....
We swore and cursed at eachother. Sometimes I hit his arms and chest in anger. He often shoved me against a wall, or onto the bed or floor. He would hold me down and I kicked him. He screamed into my face and told me that I made him hate his life, made him want to kill himself. Even while I hated him, my heart was dying. It became a cold black lump of tar before I left.
I left 23 months and 3 weeks ago. Because the incident happened exactly two years ago today. And exactly two years ago today, I decided to leave.
All of the doctors and therapists told me that it would take two years to get over the divorce. I thought that they were insane! I was fine... look at me! ... now, two years later, I think it took just this long to wind down. The dealing with it part has come in stages.
But after spending a luxuriously long weekend with M.W., I felt encouraged that my life is advancing slow enough for me to keep up with it, and almost fast enough to keep me from being annoyed :) ...
His separation happened in the same week as mine, although they were unrelated. In an email then a phone call that ended up changing our lives, we were there for eachother. I had always been afraid that we were just commiserating all of this time... that when we felt appropriately healed, that we may've just let the other slip away... instead, I found a best friend, a partner in business, in work, in happiness.... in life. I've found inspiration and a way to cherish my life once again....
Wednesday, October 05, 2005
How do I Hate Thee?
At this point, I'm not sure if I hate her or myself more.
It all started years ago when I learned about spying on people on the internet. Google anyone's name, and you can find out tons about them. Now I've learned something I should not Google: my boyfriend's ex-wife.
I mean, it was simple enough. I know her name, I know she's getting married on Saturday. And I'm a snoop. Hey, public domain, eh? What's free can't hurt me right?
Well I'm here to tell you that it can. For one, she seemed to be the coldest and most heartless person on the planet. Guess everyone gets that way when they're not happy on the inside. So she gets a point. Next, she finds someone, settled down with him right away, seems like a match made in heaven, and she's marrying him. Another point. Well, half a point, because she's now going to be a grandparent. Hehehe. They travel, they still go to M.W.'s church, and act like no big deal.
So there she is, a point and a half ahead of me in this game, and I'm still feeling badly, even though I never did anything to warrant that. And I went off (again) about something I didn't have anything to do with, can't control, and... yes, I hate myself the most, because I looked.
Bad Dorothy :-(
It all started years ago when I learned about spying on people on the internet. Google anyone's name, and you can find out tons about them. Now I've learned something I should not Google: my boyfriend's ex-wife.
I mean, it was simple enough. I know her name, I know she's getting married on Saturday. And I'm a snoop. Hey, public domain, eh? What's free can't hurt me right?
Well I'm here to tell you that it can. For one, she seemed to be the coldest and most heartless person on the planet. Guess everyone gets that way when they're not happy on the inside. So she gets a point. Next, she finds someone, settled down with him right away, seems like a match made in heaven, and she's marrying him. Another point. Well, half a point, because she's now going to be a grandparent. Hehehe. They travel, they still go to M.W.'s church, and act like no big deal.
So there she is, a point and a half ahead of me in this game, and I'm still feeling badly, even though I never did anything to warrant that. And I went off (again) about something I didn't have anything to do with, can't control, and... yes, I hate myself the most, because I looked.
Bad Dorothy :-(
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