A dip in the stream that is my consciousness

1) I'm going off of my anti-depressants. Yes, the same ones that I started almost a year ago. The ones that I was driven to, after the horrible ordeal that was my marriage, and the mercifully devoid of emotion ordeal that was my divorce. See, it's not that I was depressed, as much I was piling guilt onto myself for the marriage, his psychotic break, the divorce, my dog being hit by a car, and then falling in love quite soon after, with M.W.

2) Don't get me wrong -- I'm not guilty of anything... but I'm the kind of girl who, when critisized, first believes the critical comments, and then questions them second. (For instance, M.W.'s ex keeps insisting to her children, family, and friends, that I was the cause of the break-up of her marriage. Of course, she's neglecting the fact that she's a screeching shrew and anyone not related to her and has half a brain can't stand to spend more than 5 minutes with her).

3) Jessica R. used to be the wife of my bible-study leader. When my marriage started to fall apart, the two of them tried to intervene. The thing is, my ex is the one who had the mental breakdown. But he used his time in lockup to spin it so that I had done everything wrong. Jessica and her husband told me that "God doesn't allow divorce" and that many of the things that I had done in the past were "disrespectful" of my husband as the head of my household, and that they would offer to "mentor" us in our marriage. You know what? Despite everything, they were taking his side. Why does that happen to so many conservative "christian" people? Why do they ignore the hell out of verbal and emotional abuse, effectively giving the perpetrator a free ticket to controlling and screaming all they want?

4) So I'm not guilty of doing anything but taking control of my life. Today I had a little bit of a hard time with the wooziness of going of my pills, the PMS, and thinking about how completely insane I must be, to be putting myself in the line of "hate-fire" from M.W.'s ex, at his son's wedding next weekend. As always, M.W. allays my fears, calms my heart, and sooths my soul. Sigh.

5) I want an order of honey-walnut prawns. Ever had em?

Remember when?

• Gas cost $0.99 per gallon?
  
  
• You could get a meal at Mc Donalds that would fill you up, but not bloat your goat?
  
  
• The guy at the hardware store would make your keys by hand with his little grinder thingy? (instead of letting his maschine do it automatically)
  
• Summers were hot, winters were cold, and I had a crush on Billy Bacon?
  
  
• The biggest things we ever worried about, was what to wear tomorrow, and what to ask from mom and dad, for our birthdays?
  
• We all knew the same things, and most of those things were lyrics to popular songs -- songs, pray, that were singable... not some of the cRap that they call music these days?
  
• Remember it?
  
  
• Remember?

Yeah.... I do.

Rainbow's Song...

Mr. Rainbow, that is. Your song is on right now. Styx's "Don't Let it End!" Listening to it a full decade and a three-quarters after I broke up with your fanny, I'm surprised to hear the lyrics and realize that they had simply nothing to do with my dating you. You were just a head-case. I now laugh at your melodrama. And by the way, I still don't forgive you for the reasons which I cited when breaking up with you. The unforgivable crimes.

You once wrote me a letter when you were "over the rainbow" as it were. You mentioned about wanting to save me from my life. Guess what? I didn't need you saving me, just like I didn't need that stupid Nelson saving me.... It's good to be independent and see things as they really are.

By the way Rainbow.... I heard that you are bald and fat. Hahaha on you.

Sorry Seems to be the Hardest Word

But alas, I think we prooved that we could say it tonight.

My sweet, handsome, blue-eyed M.W. reminded me very subtly, that we should not post blogs, nor respond to them when we're 1) tired, 2) cranky, 3) too hot, 4) in a disagreement. He apologized to me on counts 1, 2, and 3, and I apologized to him on accounts 2 and 4.

Be that as it may.... we decided to meet halfway from Here to There, had the most wonderful dinner, shopped at the Container Store, walked around the mall to watch the cute people and get some dessert, and then made out like high-schoolers in the parking lot. Well... wait a second... i was in high school once, and I think this parking-lot makeout session was not quite as window-fogging as some of the ones from way back when. By the same token, both of us have fewer hormones, more regard for the other's feelings, and a little more modesty than 15 - 25 years ago.

It turned out to be a dreamy evening and I'm kinda feeling bad about where things were before.

You know what's gross? In my new apartment, I can hear the girl upstairs, when she flushes her toilet. It's just the thought that raw sewage is moving down in pipes inside my walls...eeew.

So goodnight.... sleep tight... and don't let me bite you :)

WAMHAS, M.W.

All Dressed Up and No Place to Go

I understand... really I do. But that doesn't take away my disappointment.

We had plans to go out today, and they were changed. No big deal. The big deal is the wracking loneliness that I felt when I realized that the surprise was not that I get to see my boyfriend and his daughter... but that I would not.

So tell me... what do you do with yourself when you're all ready to party the afternoon away, and plans change? I do housework. The housework I'd planned on doing before they decided to come and see me today. But plans change and they ended up going home before they even got here. And I was all ready to enjoy an afternoon with them. And now I just can't stop from wanting to go to bed and pretend this day never happened.

A couple of half-hearted calls later, he couldn't convince me to drive all the way out there and I couldn't even convince him to meet me halfway. What does that say about us? It's not that I even wanted a kiss. Staring into his deep blue eyes are enough to make the hurt go away.

Not sure what I even expected for my day... but this turnout is no surprise. It just sucks that's all. I think I have a migrane. Maybe it's just that I haven't had coffee in a couple of days. No matter. Whatever happens... Monday is on its way, and my life can get back to "normal" a.k.a. "boring" again.

This is too much excitement for me.

Hehee...

After having rocked the caspah for several hours last night, we finally realized that Sharif don't like it.