Bleh.... I wish I had all of the little tokens listed in that saying. Wisdom, courage, etc.
M.W. told me yesterday, that once a week when he served in Vietnam, the chaplain would grant the troops absolution. I'm kinda wishing that I could let myself feel absolution about my past. Not that I did something so terrible.... but I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like, had I done it all right the first time.
That's not to say that I'm less happy than I've been in the past decade... because my life now is more satisfying, and my relationships are so much healthier and happier. But it's just that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach... that I have a failure out there, and there's damn nothing that I can do about it.
So the absolution thing... you have to accept it. That's like the whole think of accepting God's forgiveness, eh? I just want to stop hurting for all of the things that I should have done better. I'm not a perfect person -- none of us are. But for some reason, my standards are so high, that no one -- not me, not M.W.... not even my Daddy can reach them.
Let me take a flying leap off of this pedastel on which I've elevated myself, and come down to mingle with the "boozsh". LOL.
I'm an idiot.
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