Don't try this at home, kids....

At least not without adult supervision..

1) Fall in love
2) Eat Crackers in bed (your mate might hurt you for it)
3) Put all of your love into one basket
4) Chew gum in bed (unless you want to wake up with gummy hair)
5) Trust another person to not hurt your heart, when you've bared your soul to them
6) Eat Popsicles outdoors, when the temperature is below freezing (think Flagpole)

I've had one f-ing hell of a day and I can't stop crying. Sure, sure, it's work stuff. But if home were really a place that existed outside of my figment of imagination... my mood would be greatly improved.

The thing that scares me about having put in for a job that is far from here... is that even more of my love will go into that basket of eggs previously mentioned. Know what happens if the eggs crack? Egg on my face, egg on my head, egg in my hair.... I end up looking, feeling, smelling, acting... like a fool.

Just Hangin' Around

I was watching Sex and the City tonight. Charlotte is my favorite character. Not just because she is adorable and fit... but she is so incredibly naive.

It was the episode where she had converted to Judaism because he boyfriend would not get more seirous about her unless she was Jewish. She then started throwing it in his face "I gave up Christ for you... the least you could do is take the garbage out!" and the like.

Then it hit me: perhaps the reason why M.W. is not playing by the same guidelines as me, is because he does not eventually want me to say (or even feel, subcutaneously) "I moved to California for you... the least you could do is let us have Italian tonight." or "I moved all the way here and gave up a great job... and you won't even consider starting a family with me. What's up with that?"

It makes perfect sense. But then where do we get off not going forth with our collective futures? My tacit threat has been that there will come a day when I will move forward with my future -- together or alone. That's a pretty ugly statement, but the truth is that both M.W. and I need that to be the case, so that neither of us are in need, no one is dependent... that we are together because we want to be together....

Until that time, until all of the parts of the puzzle have been satisfied.... This Taela Brown will be hanging around, waiting for Louis Wu.

If I could have anything on Planet Earth....

These are my wishes:

1) To have a family. Starting with MW, ending with Z, O, X and Julie.
2) To get my CCM
3) Work out of my living room with MW
4) Work only part time, because all of my spare time is spent learning to sing
5) Well, to sing better.
6) Because I would love to sing with Chris Rice, for a living.

Anyways, I could wish to be 20 lbs thinner, or I could wish for more shoes... but that really makes no impact on the rest of the world.

Life means so much.... and I intend to make the most of every minute that I have been given.

What am I doing here?

About every 5 or 6 months, I come here and wonder "What the hell am I doing with my life?" My heart is splayed open and my wounds are raw, and I am so not happy with where I am.

Yes, yes, I know... Patience, says the grasshoppah. It's hard to be patient when everyone else gets to participate in life, and you are always stuck on the sidelines... holding a smelly trashbag, yet.

Just smile and know your purpose...
Daddy told me the funniest thing tonight, when I lamented people at my jobsite are such know-it-all pains in the ass. He said to let them screw me over, tell me what to do... and smile. Because, as we all know, God has a divine purpose in us.

So what does that have to do? Because when he is proved right, Daddy just smiles and knows that he was right, and that is good enough for him. Oh... he likes to rub their noses in it... but subtle... very subtle.

Less than Nothing

Something which I hate, vehemently, is corporate rhetoric and bureaucracy. All of the "fat cats" sacheting around the office, patting eachother on the back and glad-handing the employees. I never want to be that kind of manager. I never will be that kind of manager -- you know what I'm talking about... the kind that treats the employee like dirt underneat their feet.

Sure, there is a certain caste system that goes along with my job. I'm amongst a group of highly trained techno-geeks. We know everything there is to know about our topic of interest. And therefore, our lack of interest in the social structure at the office, puts those of us who don't pay that much attention to it, at an extreme disadvantage.

Don't let some hell-bent heart leave you bitter... when you come close to selling out; Reconsider.
Yessssss, Lee Ann Womack hopes that we dance. I hope that I dance. I was going to say that I would dance on someone's grave... but that ain't nice... so I won't say it.

The only thing that would make my office more of a boy's club, is if it said "No girlz allowed!" on the front door. And if you gave everyone a smelly cigar. Bleh.

I heard the other day, that women are not as successful as men in the business world, because they get tired and they stay at home to raise kids and the like. Guess what? No way in Hell can I keep up with M.W. He's got more energy than two of me, even on a good day...

But I can love him better, stronger, faster, more, than he can love me.... and that's all I really care about today.

Losing Faith in Me...

With all of the crappy crap that is going on with work... I am losing faith in my own abiliites. In my whole life, I have never felt less competent and more impotent than I do right now.

This morning, the two bumbling idiots met with me. I was in CYA mode (cover your a$$, like do whatever it takes, bring up your shortcomings and spin them so you don't get into trouble), and mentioned a few issues that I was having with the work schedule. Frankly, there is too much work to do, during one hour... they said that I was not handling the situation, that it was my issues.

You know what?? I'm starting to believe them. I am tired of fighting and just want to leave. The other part of me angers me to the utmost, and I want to get even with them and really give them hell. I am not incompetant. I am not stupid, and I do not misunderstand the current situation, the very same one that I was told this morning, that I "need to work some more on"...

I'm surprised and disgusted at this situation, and I can't believe that I'm in it. I don't even have words for the feelings I'm having... but the purpose will be revealed to me. I have faith in that, even when I'm losing faith in me...

The ExWives Club?

My therapist gave me the funniest damn idea yesterday: instead of going through all of the pain and emotion of wondering what the ex-wife is thinking... instead of agonizing when his new wife calls you on the phone to ask about him when things go bad... Start my own website for ex-wives to post their profile, bitch all about their ex husband, tell all of the dirty details.

I think this is an ephiphany! What an idea. I know M.W.'s ex will never talk to me. Not that I really care what she has to say -- but I want to hear it anyways. Because if my ex's new wife wanted to talk to me, I wouldn't really want to talk with her. But I think that if everyone would just get that yuck off their chest... they could feel better. And if the new wife were to read it... what's the harm? I, for one, would not hold it against M.W. if his ex went off about something stupid.. sure, I might pay attention to whatever it was... even ask about it in innocuous ways.

Remember "School House Rock"? That was some real stuff.

Knowledge is Power.

Here I am:

... for those times when Life Make you Feel Like an Invisible Man

Invisible Man by Joshua Kadison

Woke up this morning with a funny feeling,
wasn't really sure what it was all about.
But it felt like I was disappearing,
so I ran to the mirror to check it out.

I said, Here I am, here I am, here I am...
but why do I feel like the invisible man?

I stumbled back into the bedroom,
and stared out at the rising sun.
Then I heard myself shout out the window,
not really talking to anyone.

I yelled, Here I am, here I am, here I am...
but why do I feel like the invisible man?

Lights went on, people started yelling,
Will the crazy man go back to bed.
And there I was, laughing out my window,
feeling much better now, somebody heard what I said.

Well it's no big thing, no revelation,
no answer to these lives we lead.
But I think I do know one thing;
Sometimes I think we all need to say;

Here I am, here I am, here I am,
when life makes us feel like the invisible man.

A Perfectly Rainy day in Calfiornia

No... I'm not talking about blowing the forecast yesterday. Although I did, it's not really that bad. What I'm talking about is a perfectly wonderful day that M.W. and I spent in Napa.

It was raining... then it wasn't. It was sunny, then it wasn't. We walked, we kissed, we ran, we chatted, we drank wine, we laughed, we made fun of people walking by. We misunderstood a "cellar sale" which we thought said "cellular"... to this day, we still lament that the winery did not have anything buy wine for sale -- because we were all hyped about getting new cell - phones! LOL

So for some reason, I started thinking of that awesome day. Maybe it's because that job for which I applied this evening, is about 1 hour from there. Not that I have the notion that every day would be like that fantastic day spent together, away from civilization. However, a girl can imagine that if she lives in the place where her sweetie feels whole, he can't help but fall more deeply in love with her, right?

Sorry for dreaming. It's hard not to, when the whole world is at your feet.

Smooches to the sweetie-pie.

WAMHAS

Meet the acid pit:

It's otherwise known as my stomach.

The first time I noticed an issue with anxiety, was when I went back to college to finish my bachelor's degree. That was in the 90s. There have been only a handful of times that my stomach has pulled this number before. The last time was the last 3 years, prior to my marriage ending. The time before that, was when I came to this state on getting a job 5 years ago.

Now there are two things going on, neither of which are comforting. First, something happening at work that makes me feel totally incompetant and worthless. Well, I'm in school half time and working full time, and trying to allow a long-distance relationship to blossom (which we all know takes work, even in the bestest of circumstances, even in the same town). So I get mucked under. So what? Apparently I can't learn anything fast enough, and I'm drowning.

Add to that, my pissy attitude. Wouldn't you have a bad attitude if everyone around you could do everything fine, and every morning your boss comes in and asks you to explain your rationale behind every stinkin' number you wrote down, all night long?

So, I'm inadequate. I'm super PMS girl. I'm afraid to relocate. I'm afraid not to relocate. I'm afraid that my fears have completely confounded M.W., who does not understand how much I want and need the support and acceptance of my closest and dearest friend: him.

Yeah, my stomach is digesting itself. And not because it's hungry.... because it's terrified that it and I won't succeed. That we won't get what we are working toward. That we won't get a job and live happily ever after -- alone or with M.W. -- halfway to heaven (a.k.a. the Alexander Valley, coming from the southeast side).

Oh, wanna know what else is gross? My body chemistry goes all screwy to go along with my tummy. I haven't had a day that my deoderant didn't fail, since just after Christmas. Pew.