Beer Time and Drug Memories...

A few years back, I had a surgery on my leg. I'm a cancer surviver. Melanoma. It was a great testament to my faith, as well as courage. Little did I know that then. I was just so stubborn, I didn't even consider giving up on life. Meanwhile, I thought I was happy in my life. Well, at least I was trying to be happy in my life.

After the surgery, I was pretty drugged up for a few months because of the pain. But every once in a while... the memories come bubbling back through. At a time when I remember being "happiest" with my ex... I also remember flirting with this guy who was in my class. At a time when I could not even walk without crutches and I could not even bathe myself, I was acting like I had zero regard for my familial obligations.

Looking back now... it's understandable that my misery in the marriage would be at least 3 years until discovery and 5 from freedom. But that's no excuse for my actions. I'm so ashamed of myself. Even though I know my ex will never know the extent to which I showed him contempt and disrespect... the extent that I was thinking only of myself and my own pleasure, and of no one else.... I sit here feeling like I actually crossed the line that I vowed (and succeded) to never cross.

It's sickening to realize that the line was crossed mentally. While I sit in judgment of others who were not physically strong... I realize that my mental weakness was a disgrace to my character. I thought about it... and I thought about it a lot.

There will never be a point when forgiveness is mine. Sure, God can forgive me... but I'm not sure that I can. You know, I've changed. I've improved me 110% from where I was. There is no way I would even go there in my mind again, as I seek to find a relationship that fulfills all of the things I want in life. But there is no way I can ever forget how empty my life was when I acted against the man I was married to (even one whom I grew to hate). It was a bond I violated, and no one ever knew... no one at all because I never told anyone.

But the full value of the statement "a sin of the heart" comes to mind.

Hmmm. Not sure why, this morning. But I can say for certain that I won't ever let it go downhill that far again; if my relationship is not fulfilling to me, I'd sooner end it than stay together for appearances.

So much for my drug memories. I hate when I think of stuff like this. It drags my whole day down and now I'm depressed.

It's beer time.

Goodnight my Angels....

A lullaby for the pre-conceived notions of my children:

Blessed, by Elton John

Hey you,
you’re a child in my head
You haven’t walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you’ll be blessed

I know
you’re still just a dream
Your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I’ve ever seen
Anyway you’ll be blessed

And you,
you’ll be blessed
You’ll have the best
I promise you that
I’ll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat

I promise you that,
promise you that,
promise you that
You’ll be blessed

I need you
before I’m too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you
and watch you grow
And know that you’re blessed

Dreaming of Z, O and X

They were in Mister Wonderful's ex-wife's house, in my dream. They were so tiny but all three were walking. Adorable. I picked up the one who was crying and she clinged to me like she knew who I was. I comforted her and the other two who walked toward me, like I knew who they were. They had to have been mine.

There was a bunch of stuff in my dream about iPods (love mine!) and even more stuff about M.W.'s ex.... but the thing that sticks with me was the little ringlet curls on the tiny little girl... the way she stopped crying when I got there to comfort her... and the very way I knew just what to do, in order to take care of her and the other two.

I'm in love with them and I don't even know who they are....

Yet.

Today, I'm Bringing Up Baby....

Dave Matthews also says, in Fool to Think:

You make a mess of me...
I'll dance a thousand steps for you...
If you'll only say yes to me...
I be whatever gets you through.

My heart was fixed the day I stopped looking for another Daddy (someone to take care of me and "fix" my broken heart), and started realizing I'm a grown woman who is smart and responsible, rest of the world be dammed!

I want what I want, and I'm not sorry for it. This is the best time of my life and I'm still so young. I'm gonna go for it!

Overnight I realized that that day... is today (sly grin). I was reading this personality profile questionnere that asked "Do you feel that inside, you're horribly broken?" Six months ago, the answer was most definitenly Yes. Now? Nope. I'm alright. I'm ready for the anti-depressants to stop, too. Everyone said I would know... and I know. Not that I'm numb, but I am starting to think it's time.

The doc said to wait at least 6 months... so I'll give it one more (that'll make 4) and re-evaluate. But the lack of amour that I've noticed since going on these babies is disheartening and I'd like to leave them in the dust ASAP!

To recap: heart, fixed. Brain, fixed.


Yee-haw!

If it'd been amature night at that club...

I would have wanted my Mister Man to dance with me. And this would have been the song:

DAVE MATTHEWS BAND - So Right Lyrics

Roll out down to midnight
Then roll on downtown 'til it's light
Because tomorrow we may die
Oh, but tonight we're dancing in the faint light
Don't you rob yourself of what you're feeling
Don't rob yourself of all that you could be
Roll hard 'til midnight
Roll 'til it's light

Come on now
Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
Roll the red carpet out with friends
To whom, to love and roll on
Our love is so right
I won't waste a minute here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance is all about you

To midnight love you,
Roll on and run the red lights
You know the game now is keep it tight
Oh, how I love your pretty rock-roll kisses
Come on and stay with me
Roll on and run the red lights
Come on, this love is so right

Stay up and make some memories
Yeah, with us now
To roll the red carpet out with friends
Oh, to love and roll on now
Our love is so right
I can taste We're in it here tonight
Our love is so right
And tonight my dance
Is all about you

I'm going crazy
And it's all 'cause of you
(it's all 'cause of you)
I'm going under, over you, over you...
This time is so alive
Everybody's tranced, dancing tonight
Oh so beautiful, and so strange
Oh, it was empty until you came...
Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain on your light
Our love is so right I'll not forget
how you look right now
Our love is so right
Remember let's just move together
Our love is so right
I swear it would last forever
Our love is so right
Forget the clouds that rain down on you
Our love is so right...

The Grrl with the Broken Smile... wait wait... it's fixed! It's Fixed!

Confession: I am truly, madly, deeply obsessed with the Desperate Housewives. If you think about it... there is so much truth to what these woman do, how they act. Perhaps it's the extreme, but there's a lot of each of us in those women. And really... they are just people at the end of the day, eh?

So I was watching my TV boyfriend, Charlie Gibson, on Good Morning America this morning. Dang he's cute for an old-guy. Anyways, Diane Sawyer intereviewed the DH's last night on Prime Time Live! with even more Terri Hatcher coverage today. Something that T.H. said rang so true to me. She mentioned that when she was dating in high school, when she got married, during her divorce... she wanted to be with men because she was looking to fill a void in her life. She was broken because of rejection and because life is just so damn hard. But... she was going on about how she hadn't had sex in months. I can totally identify -- but now it does not matter, because as women...we have to be enough for ourselves.

And I am enough.

When my little daughter is born, and I finally get to meet her (someone else will have to give birth to her... but she's still my little tiny angel-baby)... the first thing I will tell her is that she is enough, all on her own. She can like boys... she can date them and even marry them one day. But not because she can't figure a way out -- instead, because she wants to add to her happy and full life by creating a partnership with someone she really loves.

Another Obsession Confession:
Fine stationery. I've been checking it out for two days now. The fancy stuff you use for announcements, the kind with lined envelopes, the ones with your first name on the front of the card. Those are such the coolest. I have some unpersonalized stuff... and I spent a few months last year trying to learn calligraphy. My dear twin, Jayleigh, is an expert at calligraphic dextrousity. I however, am not.

So the one site I was checking out let you put in your own words and such, and it would show you what the stationery (birth, wedding announcements) looked like. You know what I did... so shut up and leave me alone. And check it out for yourself here.

Pout.

Too tired to sleep...

School, work, school, work... um... eating? cleaing? Who has time for that? And laundry? Pshaw!

Y'know... I'm pretty pissed at myself about the laundry right now. Did the laundry at M.W.'s house before I came home from the Golden State.. you know, to save time. I f - ing ruined my favourite sweaters on planet Earth, ever! They were perfect, thin, and comfortable... flattering and gorgeously coloured. And I'm an idiot!

It was almost the end of me...
There's a small chance I'm being melodramatic... but my plane almost didn't land into SFO the other day. A mechanical glitch. That's a terrifying feeling. I pulled out my pen and scrawled this in my notebook, in case it really was it:

I love M.W.
I love Mom
I love Dad
I love Jayleigh
I love Jarrod

It seemed weird to me at the time, that I didn't feel the need to say anything more... but I didn't. Once upon a time, there was this song and it proclaimed the need to not live the kind of life that makes one stay awake at night, fretting it. So from day to day, the best one can do is to live and love without regret. If that should really have been the end... I have to say that instead of being terrified, I felt the oddest sense of "I can't do anything, so why be upset?" peace. Now it scares me... but at the time, I really wondered what it was going to feel like, to die.

Bottom Line
God really does take care of us. And in times of being scared witless... He gives us peace. When I thought I might die, He gave me rational thought to say just one more time, the thing I never feel like I'll ever say enough.