Well, it was an adventurous Holiday Season. Taking Mister Wonderful Home to meet the folks, showing him where I grew up and where I went to college, being "normal" with him, being upgraded to First Class on the flight home -- for no extra charge! The folks loved him, the sibs were nice to him, he was a hit with the aunts, the uncles, the little tiny cousins, the big cousins, and the dogs.
Things are going so well, one may wonder what qualms still exist. But some do, for whatever reason. So what have I left to do, but look on the bright side? There has to be a bright side, as a wonderful person is in love with me! Being in love with someone who has a history of being impuslive and rushing into things is a great reason to wait. I know, because he fell in love with me so fast... he was the one who convinced me that it was going to work. Looking at his past, I see points where he went in full-on (I'd have put on the brakes)... Being that straightforward and unapologetic is one of the things about him which I most admire; MW is a personable and successful person who I want to be more like.
When it comes to me, the only thing he holds back on is moving forward. While anyone is my position can't help but feel like they are waiting for a seat on the last life-boat on the Titanic... I see him holding a seat over there for me... Way over there. But there are so many deck chairs in the way, my job currently, feels like it is to rearrange them so I can get to him.
Last night it came to me like a ton of bricks: the reason why we choose the ones we love, is completely independent of anything they can do -- it's just who they are. So it's really dumb of me to think I have to do anything to make him feel more comfortable with choosing me for his partner. Each time it seems we have turned a corner, I realize that his same qualms are probably there -- can he live with my immaturity? my youth? my apparent disorganization?
When those questions are answered, the waiting will be over. In the mean time... my questions -- his age? his indecision? his faults? They are but a banner flapping in the wind, asking "Do ya care?".... Sure I care. It's something which is given consideration each and every day. But my heart gets two votes and my head only one. In some ways I resent anyone who stops long enough to think things out -- how can they not know what they want, where their hearts lie? And do I even want to be associated with someone who is like this? But in long run... I know that the problems the first time around were precipitated because of my heart getting two votes and my head abstaining out of fear of being beaten silly by the flapping, pounding craziness that masqueraded as my heart.
There is a happy medium. And when I find it... I will be happy.
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1 comment:
Hey.. Dot here. A year later and the situation has not changed. Head is going to vote soon, though. Like, February 2nd.
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