Rule Number 1: I am unique; I am enough.

I just did the hardest thing I've done all year. No, even leaving my ex wasn't this hard. It was telling Mister Wonderful that I need space. This paradox is maddening because there is nothing on Earth that I want more than to be with him. But the more I want to be with him the less attractive my presence is to him.

All week, I've been on the verge of picking a fight, saying "go to hell" and steeping in my misery. But for the first time, I feel like that might be childish, and that this relationship is actually meaningful and important enough for me to get my $hi7 together and act like a well-adjusted adult (for a change).

You'd think that I would have myself together and feel like I was enough... but in truth I am a crying little baby inside. Afraid to do what I want to, and afraid that my staying here and doing nothing will "waste" a chance to have it all.... My strongest impulse is to take M.W. by the lapels and scream "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT WE HAVE? WHY ARE YOU WASTING TIME!" But alas, I cannot. Anyways, if I did, he say either "I don't know" or "let's wait and see"...

This is all my fault
Do not make the mistake and think that there is something wrong with him. This is not his problem; it's mine. Honestly, I feel like my future is so close and I can practically taste it. But the more I reach for it, the more it backs away. I hate being teased and this is the worst kind of torture one can imagine.

So, I said that I need space. But what does space mean? It means that I'm done reaching. Actually I'm sitting here at work trying not to cry. It sucks. But even though I have some free time and normally call M.W... and even if he wanted to hear from me... I would not call.

Destroyed by Desire
While I won't prevent him from calling me and in fact, welcome it... I would rather chop off my hand and slowly bleed to death than hear him hesitate when I ask about the future. So when he is ready, he will come back.

Ironically, he was the one who convinced me so many months ago, that we could actually work., that we would make the best partners, the best family together. Now I'm ready and he's not.

Cruel fate.

Faith First
I have faith that if I calm down, get my life back together, things might just work out. But I'm going to kill myself by guess how to make him happy, unless I focus on me and quit worrying about us.