Why does everything I do, seem so hard? Why does it all backfire? Just last night, my own mother asked why my life seems like one road block after another. I'll tell you why: because I take risks.
One never knows what one can have until they try.
For instance, things have been getting really serious with Mister Wonderful. So serious, in fact, that we are contemplating a possible commitment. There is no question on my part, about what I want. But I am given pause by two things: the uncertainty of M.W. himself, and my anxiousity to his uncertainty. Both of us could cease to exist tomorrow. There are not certainties in life. Well, except for the Love of Jesus. But I am talking about the love of a man who I've fallen deeply in love with.
Now, about that preemptive strike...
There is a parent in my life. To protect her identity, I'll just call her "mom". She shouted at us kids when we were little. She spanked us with her hands, and when we got older, the leather belt or a yard-stick. Frequently she felt out of control, and like a failure. Her only wish as a parent was to not be abusive like her step-father was to her. Frankly, she wasn't as bad as he. But she did leave a little to be desired.
Fast-forward to the prior paragraph about the serious commitment plans with M.W. Should I voice my concerns about not repeating history? I'm afraid I will. Kids, you know me by now. And you know I already voiced my concerns. But perhaps I should have taken a blunt object and beaten myself about the head and neck, in order to stop from sharing these concerns: the only purpose they served today was to introduce the variable "x" into already uncertain plans of "y" and "n", Yes, and No, respectively.
No matter what I do...
It seems like I can't make anything right. So does that mean if I stop worrying, there will be no one in the forest to hear whether or not trees make noise when they fall?
Frankly, the reason I told M.W. about my fear of parental shortcoming, was to divert that from happening in my life. Now I don't think it will happen, but not out of partnership, but because this wonderful man does not trust me.
Yes, you can say it: it's my own fault. I know. It just sucks that one can be tried and convicted over something they never did, but in fact, were afraid they were going to do but did not want to.
Can we say Minority Report? Take that, M.W. I'm not going to do it. And I'm asking for your help so that we can make that a reality that never happens.
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1 comment:
Bibba the only thing I can tell you is that you simply WILL not be like her. Mister Wonderbar is acting like a butt if he thinks you are untrustworthy simply because your mother was abused in every conceivable way and felt powerless and so when we were born she took it out on us. She was never allowed to be a child and she didn't know how to break the cycle of abuse.
And furthermore, why do you suppose that God's having you and me wait 12 years past when we WANTED to have kids to start thinking about them? It's because 12 years ago we would have been like HER and now we know enough and we have enough tools to NOT be like her.
Get it? MW and Dottie both: You two will be great parents together... but I beg you never to consider it until you two are on the same wavelength as far as trust goes.
Love you sis!
JJ
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