1) To take a shower before you work an overnight shift -- you coworkers will appreciate it. Also, to use an anti-perspirant/deoderant, and brush and floss, as well as using a good anti-bacterial mouthwash.
2) To hold the door open for the person behind you, so it doesn't close in their nose.
3) To meet someone's eyes as you walk by their desk; you may be shy, but by averting your eyes, you come off as a b*7ch.
4) To not peddle cr4p on your website, just to make a cheap buck. Sell good stuff and people will gladly pay.
5) Have a little heart: there is someone out there who could use a break today, and it's only right that you should respond to their need if humanly possible.
Friday, October 29, 2004
Thursday, October 28, 2004
Someday soon...
California
by Phantom
by Phantom
We've been on the run
Driving in the sun
Looking out for #1
California here we come
Right back where we started from
Hustlers grab your guns
Your shadow weighs a ton
Driving down the 101
California here we come
Right back where we started from
California!Here we come!
On the stereo
Listen as we go
Nothing's gonna stop me now
California here we come
Right back where we started from
Pedal to the floor
Thinkin' of the roar
Gotta get us to the show
California here we come
Right back where we started from
California!Here we come!
A preemptive strike against myself,
Why does everything I do, seem so hard? Why does it all backfire? Just last night, my own mother asked why my life seems like one road block after another. I'll tell you why: because I take risks.
One never knows what one can have until they try.
For instance, things have been getting really serious with Mister Wonderful. So serious, in fact, that we are contemplating a possible commitment. There is no question on my part, about what I want. But I am given pause by two things: the uncertainty of M.W. himself, and my anxiousity to his uncertainty. Both of us could cease to exist tomorrow. There are not certainties in life. Well, except for the Love of Jesus. But I am talking about the love of a man who I've fallen deeply in love with.
Now, about that preemptive strike...
There is a parent in my life. To protect her identity, I'll just call her "mom". She shouted at us kids when we were little. She spanked us with her hands, and when we got older, the leather belt or a yard-stick. Frequently she felt out of control, and like a failure. Her only wish as a parent was to not be abusive like her step-father was to her. Frankly, she wasn't as bad as he. But she did leave a little to be desired.
Fast-forward to the prior paragraph about the serious commitment plans with M.W. Should I voice my concerns about not repeating history? I'm afraid I will. Kids, you know me by now. And you know I already voiced my concerns. But perhaps I should have taken a blunt object and beaten myself about the head and neck, in order to stop from sharing these concerns: the only purpose they served today was to introduce the variable "x" into already uncertain plans of "y" and "n", Yes, and No, respectively.
No matter what I do...
It seems like I can't make anything right. So does that mean if I stop worrying, there will be no one in the forest to hear whether or not trees make noise when they fall?
Frankly, the reason I told M.W. about my fear of parental shortcoming, was to divert that from happening in my life. Now I don't think it will happen, but not out of partnership, but because this wonderful man does not trust me.
Yes, you can say it: it's my own fault. I know. It just sucks that one can be tried and convicted over something they never did, but in fact, were afraid they were going to do but did not want to.
Can we say Minority Report? Take that, M.W. I'm not going to do it. And I'm asking for your help so that we can make that a reality that never happens.
One never knows what one can have until they try.
For instance, things have been getting really serious with Mister Wonderful. So serious, in fact, that we are contemplating a possible commitment. There is no question on my part, about what I want. But I am given pause by two things: the uncertainty of M.W. himself, and my anxiousity to his uncertainty. Both of us could cease to exist tomorrow. There are not certainties in life. Well, except for the Love of Jesus. But I am talking about the love of a man who I've fallen deeply in love with.
Now, about that preemptive strike...
There is a parent in my life. To protect her identity, I'll just call her "mom". She shouted at us kids when we were little. She spanked us with her hands, and when we got older, the leather belt or a yard-stick. Frequently she felt out of control, and like a failure. Her only wish as a parent was to not be abusive like her step-father was to her. Frankly, she wasn't as bad as he. But she did leave a little to be desired.
Fast-forward to the prior paragraph about the serious commitment plans with M.W. Should I voice my concerns about not repeating history? I'm afraid I will. Kids, you know me by now. And you know I already voiced my concerns. But perhaps I should have taken a blunt object and beaten myself about the head and neck, in order to stop from sharing these concerns: the only purpose they served today was to introduce the variable "x" into already uncertain plans of "y" and "n", Yes, and No, respectively.
No matter what I do...
It seems like I can't make anything right. So does that mean if I stop worrying, there will be no one in the forest to hear whether or not trees make noise when they fall?
Frankly, the reason I told M.W. about my fear of parental shortcoming, was to divert that from happening in my life. Now I don't think it will happen, but not out of partnership, but because this wonderful man does not trust me.
Yes, you can say it: it's my own fault. I know. It just sucks that one can be tried and convicted over something they never did, but in fact, were afraid they were going to do but did not want to.
Can we say Minority Report? Take that, M.W. I'm not going to do it. And I'm asking for your help so that we can make that a reality that never happens.
Tuesday, October 26, 2004
Remember when....
$500 would solve all of your problems? Today, I'm not sure even $5000 could come close.
$100?
$20?
$5? Okay, the last time $5 solved all my problems, I was six. But you get the point.
Remember when the only things you needed to make the world right, were a Manderin Orange Minute Maid Pop (glass bottle, of course), a bag of chips, and driving around in your boyfriend's car on a Saturday night?
...when your world revolved around when, exactly, to wear that new pink skirt... and not to wear it too often, so as not to be gauche?
...when you had to be careful not to tell your mom that your sister was out most of the night, and hence your sister would do your chores for most of the coming week?
Ahh. Those were the days. Days, by the way, which I mostly hated.
Now is good. Mister Wonderful fills my heart with joy, I have a good job, a promising future, and the desire to have a gigantic family of my own. These, my friends, are the days.
$100?
$20?
$5? Okay, the last time $5 solved all my problems, I was six. But you get the point.
Remember when the only things you needed to make the world right, were a Manderin Orange Minute Maid Pop (glass bottle, of course), a bag of chips, and driving around in your boyfriend's car on a Saturday night?
...when your world revolved around when, exactly, to wear that new pink skirt... and not to wear it too often, so as not to be gauche?
...when you had to be careful not to tell your mom that your sister was out most of the night, and hence your sister would do your chores for most of the coming week?
Ahh. Those were the days. Days, by the way, which I mostly hated.
Now is good. Mister Wonderful fills my heart with joy, I have a good job, a promising future, and the desire to have a gigantic family of my own. These, my friends, are the days.
Thursday, October 21, 2004
I believe her....
The woman who made sexual harassment allegations against Bill O'Reilly last week. I believe that she is telling the truth and I'll tell you why: Because that really is how some men treat women in the workplace. My former employer treated me that way, as did several of the employees there.
It seems to me that we women think it's cool to be "tough" and play with the big boys. Little do we realze that we actually have to act like one of the boys in order to function in school and in life. Recently it was pointed out to me that men might get the wrong impression of me, by my spending time trying to get my work and my homework right... by socializing and by having dinner and participating in study-groups, pizza night, and outings to the bookstore.
In retrospect, all of that time seems quite excessive. But the point is that to me, at least, it never even occurred to me that this guy might get the wrong impression or have an agenda. Mister Wonderful had an interesting point that I've misjudged lots of people, lots of times... with negativity being the result. It would be naive of me to say that at least a majority of the time, I didn't see it coming. Because I did see it coming. Denial, my friends, is not just a river in Egypt.
Didn't someone once say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, whilst expecting a different result each time? Yeh... that's what they said. So I want to act differently because while I know that Mister Wonderful is probably at least partially right... I just don't want it to be true.
~~~
On another note:
About a year ago, I started cleaning house with my life. Effectively, I removed content from all online sources that might shine a less than flattering life on me or my life. Tonight I am taking that a few steps further... There are some people that I need to cut out of my life because they poison me.
It's funny that I discussed the very same topic with my Bible study last week or two weeks ago -- "When do you sever a relationship?" Well kids, I think I know: when there is no reason for it to exist, you know the person is never going to change, and whenever you interact with them, it ends up causing you grief on some other front in your life.
You'd think that I would feel emotional about this ... but it's more of a relief. Gettin' back to basics.
And marching down to campus tomorrow, to volunteer in the Women's Issues offices. To-morrow.
It seems to me that we women think it's cool to be "tough" and play with the big boys. Little do we realze that we actually have to act like one of the boys in order to function in school and in life. Recently it was pointed out to me that men might get the wrong impression of me, by my spending time trying to get my work and my homework right... by socializing and by having dinner and participating in study-groups, pizza night, and outings to the bookstore.
In retrospect, all of that time seems quite excessive. But the point is that to me, at least, it never even occurred to me that this guy might get the wrong impression or have an agenda. Mister Wonderful had an interesting point that I've misjudged lots of people, lots of times... with negativity being the result. It would be naive of me to say that at least a majority of the time, I didn't see it coming. Because I did see it coming. Denial, my friends, is not just a river in Egypt.
Didn't someone once say that the definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, whilst expecting a different result each time? Yeh... that's what they said. So I want to act differently because while I know that Mister Wonderful is probably at least partially right... I just don't want it to be true.
~~~
On another note:
About a year ago, I started cleaning house with my life. Effectively, I removed content from all online sources that might shine a less than flattering life on me or my life. Tonight I am taking that a few steps further... There are some people that I need to cut out of my life because they poison me.
It's funny that I discussed the very same topic with my Bible study last week or two weeks ago -- "When do you sever a relationship?" Well kids, I think I know: when there is no reason for it to exist, you know the person is never going to change, and whenever you interact with them, it ends up causing you grief on some other front in your life.
You'd think that I would feel emotional about this ... but it's more of a relief. Gettin' back to basics.
And marching down to campus tomorrow, to volunteer in the Women's Issues offices. To-morrow.
Wednesday, October 20, 2004
A clearly defined case of over-stepping one's own bounds...
Why oh why do we do this dance of give and take... advance and retreat? Eew. I keep blowing it big time. I'm just gonna edge back into my little rabbit hole and maintain radio silence for the time being.
Somehow I keep thinking things in my life are different. Perhaps I idealize them. And then they shatter, or else a breeze comes along a blows the pipe-dreams away like a whiff of smoke.
There is a reason why I am still here in the middle of nowhere. At least I know I'm somewhere I belong.
Somehow I keep thinking things in my life are different. Perhaps I idealize them. And then they shatter, or else a breeze comes along a blows the pipe-dreams away like a whiff of smoke.
There is a reason why I am still here in the middle of nowhere. At least I know I'm somewhere I belong.
Tuesday, October 12, 2004
Pop Quiz
The following will help you know how well you know me. Give the best possible answer for each question, then tally up your score of correct answers (one point each) and look at the key to see how well you know me.
1) M & M ' s are:
A) The best snak-fud ever.
B) The initials of my favourite AACM.
C) Name of a record store.
D) All of the above
E) None of the Above
2) The Null Hypothesis is:
A) In statistics, the logical outcome of an experiment.
B) The answer to Chebyshev's Theorem.
C) Anything my boyfriend says.
D) A&B
E) A&C
3) My favourite beverages include:
A) coffee, ice cream or tequila.
B) chocolate.
C) worms.
D) All of the above.
E) None of the above.
4) My favourite types of movies are:
A) Action.
B) Reaction.
C) Thrillers (non-alien).
D) Romantic Comedy.
E) Adult Films.
5) I like my sister more than I like my boss.
True or False?
6) I like my boss more than I like worms and frogs.
True or false.
Answers:
1)D 2)E 3)A 4)C 5)True 6)False
Whelp, if ya got 5-6 right, you are either Jayleigh or Mister Wonderful. Anyone else who got that score is clearly telling prevarications. 3-4 right means that you are a good friend, and 1-2 right means that you clicked "Next Blog" and ended up here on a slow day (sorry!)
1) M & M ' s are:
A) The best snak-fud ever.
B) The initials of my favourite AACM.
C) Name of a record store.
D) All of the above
E) None of the Above
2) The Null Hypothesis is:
A) In statistics, the logical outcome of an experiment.
B) The answer to Chebyshev's Theorem.
C) Anything my boyfriend says.
D) A&B
E) A&C
3) My favourite beverages include:
A) coffee, ice cream or tequila.
B) chocolate.
C) worms.
D) All of the above.
E) None of the above.
4) My favourite types of movies are:
A) Action.
B) Reaction.
C) Thrillers (non-alien).
D) Romantic Comedy.
E) Adult Films.
5) I like my sister more than I like my boss.
True or False?
6) I like my boss more than I like worms and frogs.
True or false.
Answers:
1)D 2)E 3)A 4)C 5)True 6)False
Whelp, if ya got 5-6 right, you are either Jayleigh or Mister Wonderful. Anyone else who got that score is clearly telling prevarications. 3-4 right means that you are a good friend, and 1-2 right means that you clicked "Next Blog" and ended up here on a slow day (sorry!)
Sunday, October 10, 2004
Too good to keep to myself
I have been an emotional basket case for a few days and I know it's because of the emotional states I'm going thru after my divorce. So i've done some research because I can't sleep. These are too good to keep to myself. Not sure if you'll get anything out of it yourself but I am finding my way around the way I feel and it's not so bad.
Index Page
http://www.divorceinfo.com/crud.htm
These pages caught my eye:
Grieving -- studies show that it takes two to three years to recover from a divorce.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/grieving.htm
Can't stop crying -- because you are able to cry now, your healing will be more complete later.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/cantstopcrying.htm
A divorce ceremony from the united methodist church (my Home)
http://www.divorceinfo.com/garyturnerservice.htm
Not that I would do this... but it was cathartic to read it.
Forming new romantic relationships -- take it slowly: the failure rate of marriages within two years of either partner's divorce is 85%!
http://www.divorceinfo.com/dating.htm
Divorce Sucks
http://www.divorceinfo.com/divorcestinks.htm
Lonliness
http://www.divorceinfo.com/loneliness.htm
Taking Care of yourself.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/careforself.htm
And finally from Mairrage Builders -- http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html
Scroll to #9, the Policy of Joint Agreement
Index Page
http://www.divorceinfo.com/crud.htm
These pages caught my eye:
Grieving -- studies show that it takes two to three years to recover from a divorce.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/grieving.htm
Can't stop crying -- because you are able to cry now, your healing will be more complete later.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/cantstopcrying.htm
A divorce ceremony from the united methodist church (my Home)
http://www.divorceinfo.com/garyturnerservice.htm
Not that I would do this... but it was cathartic to read it.
Forming new romantic relationships -- take it slowly: the failure rate of marriages within two years of either partner's divorce is 85%!
http://www.divorceinfo.com/dating.htm
Divorce Sucks
http://www.divorceinfo.com/divorcestinks.htm
Lonliness
http://www.divorceinfo.com/loneliness.htm
Taking Care of yourself.
http://www.divorceinfo.com/careforself.htm
And finally from Mairrage Builders -- http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3550_summary.html
Scroll to #9, the Policy of Joint Agreement
Saturday, October 09, 2004
Rule Number 1: I am unique; I am enough.
I just did the hardest thing I've done all year. No, even leaving my ex wasn't this hard. It was telling Mister Wonderful that I need space. This paradox is maddening because there is nothing on Earth that I want more than to be with him. But the more I want to be with him the less attractive my presence is to him.
All week, I've been on the verge of picking a fight, saying "go to hell" and steeping in my misery. But for the first time, I feel like that might be childish, and that this relationship is actually meaningful and important enough for me to get my $hi7 together and act like a well-adjusted adult (for a change).
You'd think that I would have myself together and feel like I was enough... but in truth I am a crying little baby inside. Afraid to do what I want to, and afraid that my staying here and doing nothing will "waste" a chance to have it all.... My strongest impulse is to take M.W. by the lapels and scream "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT WE HAVE? WHY ARE YOU WASTING TIME!" But alas, I cannot. Anyways, if I did, he say either "I don't know" or "let's wait and see"...
This is all my fault
Do not make the mistake and think that there is something wrong with him. This is not his problem; it's mine. Honestly, I feel like my future is so close and I can practically taste it. But the more I reach for it, the more it backs away. I hate being teased and this is the worst kind of torture one can imagine.
So, I said that I need space. But what does space mean? It means that I'm done reaching. Actually I'm sitting here at work trying not to cry. It sucks. But even though I have some free time and normally call M.W... and even if he wanted to hear from me... I would not call.
Destroyed by Desire
While I won't prevent him from calling me and in fact, welcome it... I would rather chop off my hand and slowly bleed to death than hear him hesitate when I ask about the future. So when he is ready, he will come back.
Ironically, he was the one who convinced me so many months ago, that we could actually work., that we would make the best partners, the best family together. Now I'm ready and he's not.
Cruel fate.
Faith First
I have faith that if I calm down, get my life back together, things might just work out. But I'm going to kill myself by guess how to make him happy, unless I focus on me and quit worrying about us.
All week, I've been on the verge of picking a fight, saying "go to hell" and steeping in my misery. But for the first time, I feel like that might be childish, and that this relationship is actually meaningful and important enough for me to get my $hi7 together and act like a well-adjusted adult (for a change).
You'd think that I would have myself together and feel like I was enough... but in truth I am a crying little baby inside. Afraid to do what I want to, and afraid that my staying here and doing nothing will "waste" a chance to have it all.... My strongest impulse is to take M.W. by the lapels and scream "DO YOU REALIZE WHAT WE HAVE? WHY ARE YOU WASTING TIME!" But alas, I cannot. Anyways, if I did, he say either "I don't know" or "let's wait and see"...
This is all my fault
Do not make the mistake and think that there is something wrong with him. This is not his problem; it's mine. Honestly, I feel like my future is so close and I can practically taste it. But the more I reach for it, the more it backs away. I hate being teased and this is the worst kind of torture one can imagine.
So, I said that I need space. But what does space mean? It means that I'm done reaching. Actually I'm sitting here at work trying not to cry. It sucks. But even though I have some free time and normally call M.W... and even if he wanted to hear from me... I would not call.
Destroyed by Desire
While I won't prevent him from calling me and in fact, welcome it... I would rather chop off my hand and slowly bleed to death than hear him hesitate when I ask about the future. So when he is ready, he will come back.
Ironically, he was the one who convinced me so many months ago, that we could actually work., that we would make the best partners, the best family together. Now I'm ready and he's not.
Cruel fate.
Faith First
I have faith that if I calm down, get my life back together, things might just work out. But I'm going to kill myself by guess how to make him happy, unless I focus on me and quit worrying about us.
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