No, I realize it's not midnight. It's the "I'm working midnights and I'm the only one who cares about me and there few glimmers of hope that the future will be different" blues. It's actually shortly after noon, and the 2nd midnight shift. Can't sleep normal, can't eat normal, and all I do is feel like a terrible failure about my whole entire life.
No... it shouldn't be normal to cry like this always. My sister Jayleigh and I have been at odds. Because she did not accept my divorce until the day it was final, it seems that she feels I need some "alone time" to be with myself and "settle down" before I get involved again.
When one is not in a bad marriage, they haven't a concept of how "dead" the marriage is. Although there is pain, you just want to move forward and find happiness and goodness in your life. I found that someone pretty soon after I separated. But it was someone I knew well, someone I trusted to respect my need for time and space and healing (and chocolate). Jay hurts because she did not cry the tears with me daily.
So it seems too soon to her. Sorry Jay-bumblebee :'( My heart really hurts over what I went thru.
20 years difference.
Mister Wonderful went thru a bad marriage too... but it lasted 20 years longer than mine. The end of his was more like a terminal illness, where the end of mine is more like a train-wreck. His quietly slipped into oblivion and he has a wonderful family to show for the thirty years of his life, growth, personal, professional, and spiritual developement that he invested.
What do I have to show? 10 years of fighting, having my things destroyed in the heat of an argument, living with his depression, feeling inadequate because of his emotional and physical intimacy issues, being shamed in front of his family, feeling bad about myself when I sought out positive attention from others, a brand-spankin'-new computer, 2 graduate level classes, and.. what? A dog that I can't see? Frankly I just don't see that my marriage accomplished anything, other than to seriously tame my wild spirit. Jealousy that Mister Wonderful has something to show for his hard time, and Dorothy just crys and rants about the fact that there is nothing good that came from being married to someone who she sacrificed everything, heart, mind, soul, to try to appease.
You know what? That bastard, in 10 years, bought me flowers exactly twice. I'm going to go out right now, to the florist, and buy myself something pretty with money I made. If it takes me five years, I will find something good that came from it. Even if the only thing that my marriage did was to keep me childless and out of trouble until I really met Mister Wunderbar.
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