We've all been there: my friend "Fish" bought a men's Nautica (TM) jacket just like this boy's who she liked. My sister ate military MRE's because her man was in the marine reserves at the time. And now me... I'm listening to "music" from the 1960's because that is what my sweetheart likes to listen to.
Anyone who's ever been in love knows what I am talking about: you do something completely whacko and out of the ordinary, just because your sweetie does it, and you want to enjoy it with them. Don't believe me? Check out Moonbubble, the Skeith. My sweetie adopted Moonie several month ago, because of my Jerry and my Poopsie. And I'm immersing myself in something that is totally not my first choice of tunes... simply because I desire to draw nearer to him both in our intellectual ponderings, and our casual interests.
Thursday, September 30, 2004
Tuesday, September 28, 2004
Let me just add that it was wonderful...
My weekend, of course! Thanks for asking....
Mister Wonderful is wonderful in deed and in fact. Big, huge lazy grin.
Mister Wonderful is wonderful in deed and in fact. Big, huge lazy grin.
Is there an end to the Madness?
Some weeks ago, Yahoo News did a story on these little plastic toys that made their way into bags of candy being sold in the U.S. Apparently the toys depicted cartoon-like rendition of the 11 September 2001 attacks on the World Trade Center. This morning, I was surfing the net, looking for a great little radio/mp3 player with a loud speaker, which was going to be on my Christmas Wish List. Instead, I found the most gruesome of gruesome array of souvenirs, that are actually entitled "Buildings of Disaster". Examples include (but are not limited to) the 911 attacks, the Texas School Book Depository, Chernobyl, and the O.J. Simpson car chase!
Clearly, the authors of the site are touting it differently. The creators are from a U.S. firm This is their note:
But really.... where does the madness end? Over the weekend, I was studying and watching television with my sweetie. He ran out to forage for our dinner, and I watched an advertisement for an insanely violent video game. Now, I gotta tell you, Mister Wonderful is the first one to say that people who play violent video games don't necessarily become violent... but he also says that senseless violence in video games impacts into reality from being a virtual distraction.
I saw this horrific game called Shellshocked: 'Nam '67. My sweetie was in Vietnam in 1969. In so many ways, I do not understand the horror that he and countless others endured while there. Back in March, we toured the California state Vietnam Memorial together. Seeing him become emotional really brought the senselessness of it all into the front of my mind. The creators are touting the game as a historical simulation of sorts... But I would fight to protect Mister Wonderful from ever having to go thru any of that again.
Clearly, the authors of the site are touting it differently. The creators are from a U.S. firm This is their note:
Souvenirs are important cultural objects which can store and communicate memories, emotions and desires. Buildings of Disaster are miniature replicas of famous structures where some tragic or terrible events happened to take place. The images of burning or exploded buildings make a different, populist history of architecture, one based on emotional involvement rather than scholarly appreciation. In a media-saturated time, world disasters stand as people's measure of history, and the sites of tragic events often become involuntary tourists destinations.
But really.... where does the madness end? Over the weekend, I was studying and watching television with my sweetie. He ran out to forage for our dinner, and I watched an advertisement for an insanely violent video game. Now, I gotta tell you, Mister Wonderful is the first one to say that people who play violent video games don't necessarily become violent... but he also says that senseless violence in video games impacts into reality from being a virtual distraction.
I saw this horrific game called Shellshocked: 'Nam '67. My sweetie was in Vietnam in 1969. In so many ways, I do not understand the horror that he and countless others endured while there. Back in March, we toured the California state Vietnam Memorial together. Seeing him become emotional really brought the senselessness of it all into the front of my mind. The creators are touting the game as a historical simulation of sorts... But I would fight to protect Mister Wonderful from ever having to go thru any of that again.
Friday, September 24, 2004
Can you believe this guy???
A follow up to Losing Faith... again.
So I went off about this former minister who was gay-bashing while "preaching" earlier this month. If you don't click above and go to the article, please at least read this much, right at the end:
Do I need to elaborate? The man is a "John" and we are letting him preach the word of God? The article above tells us that he stepped down from the ministry. Prithee, tell me why in the name of all that is holy and righteous, is the man preaching if he stepped down?
Let's draw a parallel:
Ever heard of Rasputin? Okay, I'll give it to you straight: he was a hedonist, a hethen, an individual that believed (and preached... read folks... he was a Monk) that to attain salvation, one must commit terrible sin and then seek forgiveness for it. The greater the sin, the higher the forgiveness.
The only reason he still has power...
Is the same reason we still respect the "reverend" Jesse Jackson (who also had a number of extramarital affairs, one resulting in a child). If we stood up more often for what we believed in, then politicians would get the idea that we are not stupid and lazy and therefore they can do anything they want to because we will not challenge them. If we stood up and let these "preachers" know that it is NOT okay to be a blatant hypocrite ... who knows? Maybe there would be better role models for our children? (or in my case, my babies "gonna-be").
I'm just shaking my head in disgust. First at this alleged preacher-man who is absolutely the lowest of the low. And second, at myself and my fellow man, for not objecting to the behavior of other objectionable people. C'mon... STANDARDS, people!
So I went off about this former minister who was gay-bashing while "preaching" earlier this month. If you don't click above and go to the article, please at least read this much, right at the end:
"While Swaggart may attack same-sex marriage, his own heterosexual marriage has
faced major obstacles. In 1988 he resigned from his ministry after a sex scandal
involving a prostitute. A few years later California police stopped his car and
found he was driving with a suspected prostitute." from the above linked site.
Do I need to elaborate? The man is a "John" and we are letting him preach the word of God? The article above tells us that he stepped down from the ministry. Prithee, tell me why in the name of all that is holy and righteous, is the man preaching if he stepped down?
Let's draw a parallel:
Ever heard of Rasputin? Okay, I'll give it to you straight: he was a hedonist, a hethen, an individual that believed (and preached... read folks... he was a Monk) that to attain salvation, one must commit terrible sin and then seek forgiveness for it. The greater the sin, the higher the forgiveness.
The only reason he still has power...
Is the same reason we still respect the "reverend" Jesse Jackson (who also had a number of extramarital affairs, one resulting in a child). If we stood up more often for what we believed in, then politicians would get the idea that we are not stupid and lazy and therefore they can do anything they want to because we will not challenge them. If we stood up and let these "preachers" know that it is NOT okay to be a blatant hypocrite ... who knows? Maybe there would be better role models for our children? (or in my case, my babies "gonna-be").
I'm just shaking my head in disgust. First at this alleged preacher-man who is absolutely the lowest of the low. And second, at myself and my fellow man, for not objecting to the behavior of other objectionable people. C'mon... STANDARDS, people!
Wednesday, September 22, 2004
The Midnight Perl Dance
Have I mentioned that I hate computer programming? Because I hate it. The logic? (Doing my bestest Mr. Spock impression) Illogical.
Human beings were meant to be fluid. Heck, we're like 90% water, aren't we? (Only not Norman water, as we have the nastiest lake-derived, chemically altered H2-Oh-my-goodness! What's that floating in my WATER?! in the entire state).
Rivers of emotions run high and low. Our eyes cry tears made of water. And salt. And isn't salt the spice of life? Or is that love? Who knows. All I'm trying to say, is that when I can write a computer program like wallowing in a deep depression (thanks to Ms. Manson and Garbage for the lyric inspiration) then I'll be happy.
Currently (check out the song by the same title, by Keaton Simons) I am attempting to wow myself and others with my programming prowess. I am not prowly or essy. Not at all. It suck-eth. Keep me in your prayers and dreams.
Human beings were meant to be fluid. Heck, we're like 90% water, aren't we? (Only not Norman water, as we have the nastiest lake-derived, chemically altered H2-Oh-my-goodness! What's that floating in my WATER?! in the entire state).
Rivers of emotions run high and low. Our eyes cry tears made of water. And salt. And isn't salt the spice of life? Or is that love? Who knows. All I'm trying to say, is that when I can write a computer program like wallowing in a deep depression (thanks to Ms. Manson and Garbage for the lyric inspiration) then I'll be happy.
Currently (check out the song by the same title, by Keaton Simons) I am attempting to wow myself and others with my programming prowess. I am not prowly or essy. Not at all. It suck-eth. Keep me in your prayers and dreams.
Tuesday, September 21, 2004
Losing Faith...again.
Well folks, I've about had it up to the top of my 5'9-3/4" head! See, there is this schism between people who think that Gays have the right to marry, and those who say they'd "Kill" a gay man "if he looked at me like that!"
First, one must address the obvious: do Gays have the right to marry? Should they? If I remember correctly, there was a time in the not-so-distant past when African-American's did not have the right to marry. Then they could marry, but only each other. I think it was something like the 1940's or 50's when interracial marriages were legal in the U.S.
But do they have the right to marry? Think about it this way: a hetero couple decides to have a child, but they do not marry. Aren't all of the right-wing religious zealots all over them to get married and for the guy to "make an honest woman" out of her? So translate that to a lesbian couple. They have babies. And we are totally preventing them from legally providing the safety of a marriage to the children.
Quite frankly I think that the uber-conservatives like the individual in the aforementioned article, are homophobes and nothing more. They seem to have some misinformed sense that every gay person on the planet is out for one thing and one thing only -- and it ain't Pete Jenning's toupee'. Seriously, that's like saying that all hetero people have the alleged moral turpitude of Brittany Spears.
I have gay friends. Some of them live the most normal, moral lives. They do not go out and have anonymous relationships any more than the girls I worked with at the local Micky-D's in college did. And let me tell you, this one girl Missy... My mom's uncle waived a $50 in her face as she walked into my sister's wedding reception and yelled "Fiddy Dollar make you hollah..." She was dressed like a whore, and had an orange foundation line across her cheek. Gauche.
Anyways, back to my point: not allowing Gays to marry is akin to encouraging promiscuity. They would not marry lightly in the same vein that you or I would not marry lightly. Isn't abusing marriage for the sake of a green card or for the sake of ... what... a tax break or... health benefits? Pshaw!
If someone wants to get married... I say let 'em. I've seen too many people -- gays, and heteros alike, get shafted after being in a long-term committed relationship. What do I mean by that? Just that marriage also offers protection and validation to someone if something goes horribly wrong and their children are at risk of being possessed by the state, the partner that worked so hard along side the other one, would not be allowed to inherit the estate of the other one, and a whole litnany of reasnos. Heteros have commonlaw marriages. Why not at the very least, consider that?
Why the soap-box today? Because of the article cited in the first paragraph. It's a shame that I used to respect that man when I was a kid. He's no better than you or I and he certainly should not be professing to speak the gosple out of one side of his mouth while gay bashing out of the other.
First, one must address the obvious: do Gays have the right to marry? Should they? If I remember correctly, there was a time in the not-so-distant past when African-American's did not have the right to marry. Then they could marry, but only each other. I think it was something like the 1940's or 50's when interracial marriages were legal in the U.S.
But do they have the right to marry? Think about it this way: a hetero couple decides to have a child, but they do not marry. Aren't all of the right-wing religious zealots all over them to get married and for the guy to "make an honest woman" out of her? So translate that to a lesbian couple. They have babies. And we are totally preventing them from legally providing the safety of a marriage to the children.
Quite frankly I think that the uber-conservatives like the individual in the aforementioned article, are homophobes and nothing more. They seem to have some misinformed sense that every gay person on the planet is out for one thing and one thing only -- and it ain't Pete Jenning's toupee'. Seriously, that's like saying that all hetero people have the alleged moral turpitude of Brittany Spears.
I have gay friends. Some of them live the most normal, moral lives. They do not go out and have anonymous relationships any more than the girls I worked with at the local Micky-D's in college did. And let me tell you, this one girl Missy... My mom's uncle waived a $50 in her face as she walked into my sister's wedding reception and yelled "Fiddy Dollar make you hollah..." She was dressed like a whore, and had an orange foundation line across her cheek. Gauche.
Anyways, back to my point: not allowing Gays to marry is akin to encouraging promiscuity. They would not marry lightly in the same vein that you or I would not marry lightly. Isn't abusing marriage for the sake of a green card or for the sake of ... what... a tax break or... health benefits? Pshaw!
If someone wants to get married... I say let 'em. I've seen too many people -- gays, and heteros alike, get shafted after being in a long-term committed relationship. What do I mean by that? Just that marriage also offers protection and validation to someone if something goes horribly wrong and their children are at risk of being possessed by the state, the partner that worked so hard along side the other one, would not be allowed to inherit the estate of the other one, and a whole litnany of reasnos. Heteros have commonlaw marriages. Why not at the very least, consider that?
Why the soap-box today? Because of the article cited in the first paragraph. It's a shame that I used to respect that man when I was a kid. He's no better than you or I and he certainly should not be professing to speak the gosple out of one side of his mouth while gay bashing out of the other.
Sunday, September 19, 2004
For what it's worth...
An open letter to Mister Wonderful's ex:
How was I to know your daughter would inadvertantly send me a copy of what was probably the last photo taken of you and M.W.? It's not that it shocked me, just that it was unexpected, it took my breat away. I felt that way the first time I saw a picture of you two, back in March this year. There are some things I need to get off my chest, and you are the only appropriate person to say them to.
While I failed to mention in March how pretty I thought you were [when you were younger], I thought it. Even in the latest photo, I thought you looked amazing. You and my M.W. looked like an engaging couple; you fit well. Like peas and carrots. And if I did not know the truth about your marriage when that photo was taken, then I would have never in a million years, believed that you guys' divorce was almost final.
But the truth, Ms. Wrong, is that while your winning smile was out fooling the world, your husband and family would have benefitted from you being there and being real instead of faking it and being cold. In the nearly two years since I first met M.W. in the professional realm, then after you kicked him out of the house and I got to know him on a more personal note... he really tried to make things work out with you. Instead of getting the fact that you had a hand in your life being fucked-up, you refused to admit the truth, and constantly punishing him for it.
For our many sins, we pay the price...
Part of what bugs me about you, is that I have not yet had an opportunity to size you up, stare you down, and make you feel completely inferior as a human being. Many people ask what is the reasoning behind that... basically it is animal instinct. The "j" word almost popped out, but it is not that -- You and M.W. have things together that one can only have after decades of marriage: kids in their mid-late 20's. I will not have that in the here and now, so to level the playing field, all I can do is love M.W. the best I know how, and maybe in that black, stony, coal-lump-of-a-heart, you'll see that you were doing it all wrong... all selfish... and that he would have loved you still, if you had ever tried.
So you're asking what is the price of my envy? Just that you could easily play the "other woman" card on me, and say I took him from you. What you do not, and will not know, is that I have always, catagorically refused to play the "other woman". This case is not that case. And yet I still have this lingering guilt because I would never chat with you on the phone when M.W. and I were business acquaintences and not soul mates. You intimidate the hell out of me and no matter how great I can fake the self-confidence, I will know that deep down, there must be something redeeming inside of you, or else M.W. would never have given you the time of day.
Not to diminish M.W.
You crapped on a wonderful husband, and a wonderful life, Ms. Wrong. Pardon me while I gather the pieces and build my future.
And by the way, M.W.... I forgot how much I *loved* the goatee. Tres chic!
How was I to know your daughter would inadvertantly send me a copy of what was probably the last photo taken of you and M.W.? It's not that it shocked me, just that it was unexpected, it took my breat away. I felt that way the first time I saw a picture of you two, back in March this year. There are some things I need to get off my chest, and you are the only appropriate person to say them to.
While I failed to mention in March how pretty I thought you were [when you were younger], I thought it. Even in the latest photo, I thought you looked amazing. You and my M.W. looked like an engaging couple; you fit well. Like peas and carrots. And if I did not know the truth about your marriage when that photo was taken, then I would have never in a million years, believed that you guys' divorce was almost final.
But the truth, Ms. Wrong, is that while your winning smile was out fooling the world, your husband and family would have benefitted from you being there and being real instead of faking it and being cold. In the nearly two years since I first met M.W. in the professional realm, then after you kicked him out of the house and I got to know him on a more personal note... he really tried to make things work out with you. Instead of getting the fact that you had a hand in your life being fucked-up, you refused to admit the truth, and constantly punishing him for it.
For our many sins, we pay the price...
Part of what bugs me about you, is that I have not yet had an opportunity to size you up, stare you down, and make you feel completely inferior as a human being. Many people ask what is the reasoning behind that... basically it is animal instinct. The "j" word almost popped out, but it is not that -- You and M.W. have things together that one can only have after decades of marriage: kids in their mid-late 20's. I will not have that in the here and now, so to level the playing field, all I can do is love M.W. the best I know how, and maybe in that black, stony, coal-lump-of-a-heart, you'll see that you were doing it all wrong... all selfish... and that he would have loved you still, if you had ever tried.
So you're asking what is the price of my envy? Just that you could easily play the "other woman" card on me, and say I took him from you. What you do not, and will not know, is that I have always, catagorically refused to play the "other woman". This case is not that case. And yet I still have this lingering guilt because I would never chat with you on the phone when M.W. and I were business acquaintences and not soul mates. You intimidate the hell out of me and no matter how great I can fake the self-confidence, I will know that deep down, there must be something redeeming inside of you, or else M.W. would never have given you the time of day.
Not to diminish M.W.
You crapped on a wonderful husband, and a wonderful life, Ms. Wrong. Pardon me while I gather the pieces and build my future.
And by the way, M.W.... I forgot how much I *loved* the goatee. Tres chic!
Friday, September 17, 2004
Midnight blues...
No, I realize it's not midnight. It's the "I'm working midnights and I'm the only one who cares about me and there few glimmers of hope that the future will be different" blues. It's actually shortly after noon, and the 2nd midnight shift. Can't sleep normal, can't eat normal, and all I do is feel like a terrible failure about my whole entire life.
No... it shouldn't be normal to cry like this always. My sister Jayleigh and I have been at odds. Because she did not accept my divorce until the day it was final, it seems that she feels I need some "alone time" to be with myself and "settle down" before I get involved again.
When one is not in a bad marriage, they haven't a concept of how "dead" the marriage is. Although there is pain, you just want to move forward and find happiness and goodness in your life. I found that someone pretty soon after I separated. But it was someone I knew well, someone I trusted to respect my need for time and space and healing (and chocolate). Jay hurts because she did not cry the tears with me daily.
So it seems too soon to her. Sorry Jay-bumblebee :'( My heart really hurts over what I went thru.
20 years difference.
Mister Wonderful went thru a bad marriage too... but it lasted 20 years longer than mine. The end of his was more like a terminal illness, where the end of mine is more like a train-wreck. His quietly slipped into oblivion and he has a wonderful family to show for the thirty years of his life, growth, personal, professional, and spiritual developement that he invested.
What do I have to show? 10 years of fighting, having my things destroyed in the heat of an argument, living with his depression, feeling inadequate because of his emotional and physical intimacy issues, being shamed in front of his family, feeling bad about myself when I sought out positive attention from others, a brand-spankin'-new computer, 2 graduate level classes, and.. what? A dog that I can't see? Frankly I just don't see that my marriage accomplished anything, other than to seriously tame my wild spirit. Jealousy that Mister Wonderful has something to show for his hard time, and Dorothy just crys and rants about the fact that there is nothing good that came from being married to someone who she sacrificed everything, heart, mind, soul, to try to appease.
You know what? That bastard, in 10 years, bought me flowers exactly twice. I'm going to go out right now, to the florist, and buy myself something pretty with money I made. If it takes me five years, I will find something good that came from it. Even if the only thing that my marriage did was to keep me childless and out of trouble until I really met Mister Wunderbar.
No... it shouldn't be normal to cry like this always. My sister Jayleigh and I have been at odds. Because she did not accept my divorce until the day it was final, it seems that she feels I need some "alone time" to be with myself and "settle down" before I get involved again.
When one is not in a bad marriage, they haven't a concept of how "dead" the marriage is. Although there is pain, you just want to move forward and find happiness and goodness in your life. I found that someone pretty soon after I separated. But it was someone I knew well, someone I trusted to respect my need for time and space and healing (and chocolate). Jay hurts because she did not cry the tears with me daily.
So it seems too soon to her. Sorry Jay-bumblebee :'( My heart really hurts over what I went thru.
20 years difference.
Mister Wonderful went thru a bad marriage too... but it lasted 20 years longer than mine. The end of his was more like a terminal illness, where the end of mine is more like a train-wreck. His quietly slipped into oblivion and he has a wonderful family to show for the thirty years of his life, growth, personal, professional, and spiritual developement that he invested.
What do I have to show? 10 years of fighting, having my things destroyed in the heat of an argument, living with his depression, feeling inadequate because of his emotional and physical intimacy issues, being shamed in front of his family, feeling bad about myself when I sought out positive attention from others, a brand-spankin'-new computer, 2 graduate level classes, and.. what? A dog that I can't see? Frankly I just don't see that my marriage accomplished anything, other than to seriously tame my wild spirit. Jealousy that Mister Wonderful has something to show for his hard time, and Dorothy just crys and rants about the fact that there is nothing good that came from being married to someone who she sacrificed everything, heart, mind, soul, to try to appease.
You know what? That bastard, in 10 years, bought me flowers exactly twice. I'm going to go out right now, to the florist, and buy myself something pretty with money I made. If it takes me five years, I will find something good that came from it. Even if the only thing that my marriage did was to keep me childless and out of trouble until I really met Mister Wunderbar.
Thursday, September 16, 2004
Free and Lonely...
No one said it would be easy to live the kind of life that doesn't wake you up at night. Everyone has their own crosses to bear and we all have choices to make in life. Hurting is part of life, and all too often, we forget that we're in the same boat as everyone else on the planet -- so why not be kind, courteous, and let's all get along?
There is an artist I discovered this evening called Laura Dawn, whose song Free and Lonely Life is quite moving. The lyrics of the song (which I cannot locate online) tell about a woman who has chosen a path that is different from most of the people she knows. Not many people understand that she is not the same but she knows it. Still, that does not keep her from feeling her lonliness; "that" she says, "is the price of a free and lonely life"....
~~~
Due to a number of rude comments left on this site by this person, I have (hopefully only temporarily) removed the capability to comment on my blog. This is done with only the greatest regret, as I believe in free speech. However, slanderous remarks and remarks that convey hatred and disrespect toward the person of the author (not the actions, but the person) are not warmed kindly to, whether or not they were made in jest.
Kindly email all comments in the meantime, to wxgddss@yahoo.com
There is an artist I discovered this evening called Laura Dawn, whose song Free and Lonely Life is quite moving. The lyrics of the song (which I cannot locate online) tell about a woman who has chosen a path that is different from most of the people she knows. Not many people understand that she is not the same but she knows it. Still, that does not keep her from feeling her lonliness; "that" she says, "is the price of a free and lonely life"....
~~~
Due to a number of rude comments left on this site by this person, I have (hopefully only temporarily) removed the capability to comment on my blog. This is done with only the greatest regret, as I believe in free speech. However, slanderous remarks and remarks that convey hatred and disrespect toward the person of the author (not the actions, but the person) are not warmed kindly to, whether or not they were made in jest.
Kindly email all comments in the meantime, to wxgddss@yahoo.com
...You give me fever.... mmmm.... FEVER!!!
No more lyrics today... I have been weeping openly whenever there's a baby around. That is exactly what I want. No, not single parenthood -- the whole shootin' match: Wedding, honeymoon, husband, pregnancy, big belly clothes, baby... mine. In that order.
Some people think I have been making poor choices in my life. That angers me. My ex-husband who shall henceforth and forevermore remain nameless, changed to a monster only after we had been married for about a month. While there were warning signs ahead of time... they were nothing compared to what he turned into: a gun-toting, emotionally abusive psychopath.
Some people think I have been making poor choices in my life. That angers me. My ex-husband who shall henceforth and forevermore remain nameless, changed to a monster only after we had been married for about a month. While there were warning signs ahead of time... they were nothing compared to what he turned into: a gun-toting, emotionally abusive psychopath.
Wednesday, September 15, 2004
Bar Nachos and beer...
Okay... not beer. I don't actually drink beer. Not often. Not in Oklahoma, that's for dern sure. But I went with the guys from the office tonight to the Mont. As we sat there under the mist-ers, under the outdoor canopies, under the stars and next to the coy Koi drinking Sooner Swirls.... it occured to me that I liked this semi-monthly tradition. All we ever do is crab about work and who did what to whom at the office. But it is a cathartic tradition none-the-less.
Irregardless of what you may think at this point in time... Idealistically, it's a great night. Just don't drink too much -- last time, it took me two days to recover and everyone knew because I looked like Hell.
Irregardless of what you may think at this point in time... Idealistically, it's a great night. Just don't drink too much -- last time, it took me two days to recover and everyone knew because I looked like Hell.
Saturday, September 11, 2004
Walkin' the walk....
I miss my 3.7 mile hike thru the hills and valley, the pastures and the dirt and asphalt roads that I used to take with my dog, Jonah, when I lived on Hogback Ridge. There was something about an early Saturday or Sunday morning, and one helluva hike, that made me really want to go out and tackle that bad-boy! The sun, the dew, the sky, the power plant that was build 4 miles from the house. Watching the smoke-stacks, the direction of the wind, finding the atmospheric inversion. Standing in awe of the awesome physical properties that God gave the world....
Now, my life occurs in the city. Today is the first day that I can recall, that I really miss the cold morning air, the sound of the highway from afar (mainly semi's downshifting to go up the hill), and sneaking out before my ex woke up.
Oh yeah, because living there was miserable and I [subconsciously] did everything in my power to not have to come into contact with him. When that contact was inevitable, I did my best to try and make life pleasant. ... For everyone but me, that is....
Fine, so I soured my imagination of waking up to dew on the grass, in the country. But I miss that, and the walks.... c'est la vie.
Now, my life occurs in the city. Today is the first day that I can recall, that I really miss the cold morning air, the sound of the highway from afar (mainly semi's downshifting to go up the hill), and sneaking out before my ex woke up.
... er... uh... wait a second... I used to sneak out of the house
before my ex woke up... why?
Oh yeah, because living there was miserable and I [subconsciously] did everything in my power to not have to come into contact with him. When that contact was inevitable, I did my best to try and make life pleasant. ... For everyone but me, that is....
Fine, so I soured my imagination of waking up to dew on the grass, in the country. But I miss that, and the walks.... c'est la vie.
Tuesday, September 07, 2004
Go Away Monster, a Poem by Dorothy
Go away Monster, busy and green.
You create in me something unseen.
Yet quite ugly, and melodramatic --
the way I am feeling towards others? Traumatic.
Shut up, get away, stand back, tally ho!
Here's your coat, here's your hat;
TAKE YOUR UMBRELLA AND GO!
Because I've had enough of your mental beating.
And I've had enough of my thoughts receeding
into the depths of what can go wrong, and what I am missing
and what is broken and how the cat's hissing.
Right now, is the time for me.
A time for Joie
A time for Jo-ey!
So leave me alone ugly monster.
I have found my voice.
If you don't like the door I am showing you
how 'bout another choice?
A little bag of doggy poo, on fire,
Flaming for you.
You create in me something unseen.
Yet quite ugly, and melodramatic --
the way I am feeling towards others? Traumatic.
Shut up, get away, stand back, tally ho!
Here's your coat, here's your hat;
TAKE YOUR UMBRELLA AND GO!
Because I've had enough of your mental beating.
And I've had enough of my thoughts receeding
into the depths of what can go wrong, and what I am missing
and what is broken and how the cat's hissing.
Right now, is the time for me.
A time for Joie
A time for Jo-ey!
So leave me alone ugly monster.
I have found my voice.
If you don't like the door I am showing you
how 'bout another choice?
A little bag of doggy poo, on fire,
Flaming for you.
Like the Deserts Miss the Rain (lyrics in part)
Oh, the best midnight snack? Wunderbreat toast, with peanut budder and strawl-barry jamb. You may wonder why the mis-spellings, given my penchant for grammar and correctness? Um, on account-a-because it's 4 a.m. and hate waking up and my brain is flying. The toast thing is totally something my gramma cole used to do. Not for midnight snacks, but for mid-morning snackz.
Sidebar: Gramma Cole's house was a myriad of scents and tastes. Cold coffee, cigarette smoke, Palm Olive dish washing liquid, yucky bathroom smell after someone used it, and pledge dusting polish.
Almost a tie between Anne Murray's Another Sleepless Night... but I'm getting ready to go back to bed, and plus, I'm not sleepless because of the reason Ms. Murray sites in her song; I'm lonely. Therefore you guys get the sad and lonely version tonight.
It has a great beat, you can dance to it like the Roxbury Boys and furthermore, you can croon it when you miss your loved one.
by Everything but the Girl
Sidebar: Gramma Cole's house was a myriad of scents and tastes. Cold coffee, cigarette smoke, Palm Olive dish washing liquid, yucky bathroom smell after someone used it, and pledge dusting polish.
Almost a tie between Anne Murray's Another Sleepless Night... but I'm getting ready to go back to bed, and plus, I'm not sleepless because of the reason Ms. Murray sites in her song; I'm lonely. Therefore you guys get the sad and lonely version tonight.
It has a great beat, you can dance to it like the Roxbury Boys and furthermore, you can croon it when you miss your loved one.
by Everything but the Girl
I step off the train
I'm walking down your street again
and past your door
But you don't live there any more
It's years since you've been there
But now you've disappeared somewhere
like outer space
You've found some better placeAnd I miss you -
like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you -
like the deserts miss the rainCould you be dead?
You always were two steps ahead
of everyone
We'd walk behind while you would runI look up at your house
And I can almost hear you shout
down to me
Where I always used to beAnd I miss you -
like the deserts miss the rain
And I miss you -
like the deserts miss the rain
Monday, September 06, 2004
Let's talk about trust...
It seems to me that when you put your heart in someone else's hands, there needs to be a modicum of trust between the two of you. But trust is not something steady -- it follows the ebb and flow of happy and sad times in your life; it rises and falls, grows and receeds, as does the way that life itself wishes and washes and wears away with time.
There seems to be a bit of the flow, the fall, the low-tide in my world recently. Not that things are specifically bad... but we miss eachother. With that missing comes doubting that things will be okay in either the Land of OK or the Land of CA.
Missing U..
There seems to be a bit of the flow, the fall, the low-tide in my world recently. Not that things are specifically bad... but we miss eachother. With that missing comes doubting that things will be okay in either the Land of OK or the Land of CA.
Missing U..
(I Ain't) Missing You
by John Waite
Every time I think of you,
I always catch my breath
And I'm still standing here,
and you're miles away
And I'm wonderin' why you left
And there's a storm that's raging
through my frozen heart tonight
I hear your name in certain circles,
and it always makes me smile
I spend my time thinkin' about you,
and it's almost driving me wild
And there's a heart that's breaking
down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you,
no matter what I might say
There's a message in the wire,
and I'm sending you this signal tonight
You don't know how desperate I've become
And it looks like I'm losing this fight
In your world I have no meaning,
though I'm trying hard to understand
And it's my heart that's breaking
down this long distance line tonight
I ain't missing you at all
Since you've been gone away
I ain't missing you,
No matter what my friends say
And there's a message that I'm sending out,
Like a telegraph to your soul
And if I can't bridge this distance,
Stop this heartbreak Overload
I ain't missing you,
I ain't missing you,
I can lie to Myself
Friday, September 03, 2004
Baby Fever
I have it and freely admit it. At night, instead of dreaming of torrid affairs and sexual experiences with my lover.... the dreams are filled with sheltering a little one from a hail storm, or snuggling in to watch a cartoon, eat a snack, read a book in bed. Nestling my nose into her freshly washed and dried little red curls and trying not to weep out loud because I love her more than I ever thought I could.
Oh, to wash the little feet and change diapers and feed a tiny helpless soul. To nourish and clothe and sustain the life of one that came from me. It's overwhelming and I never thought I'd feel this way. I want this so much it actually hurts.
So I've changed my priorities in life from finding the cutest, most successful husband on the block, to finding a stable, fun, interesting, intelligent, ethical, moral, Godly man who wants to make and raise little babies as my partner.
Cave-woman Weather Forecaster say...
Me hate busy day.
Oh, to wash the little feet and change diapers and feed a tiny helpless soul. To nourish and clothe and sustain the life of one that came from me. It's overwhelming and I never thought I'd feel this way. I want this so much it actually hurts.
So I've changed my priorities in life from finding the cutest, most successful husband on the block, to finding a stable, fun, interesting, intelligent, ethical, moral, Godly man who wants to make and raise little babies as my partner.
Cave-woman Weather Forecaster say...
Me hate busy day.
Thursday, September 02, 2004
Alright Folks... agree? It sucks, sometimes, to be a responsible adult.
Seriously. Today I have to work for 10 hours, study for an upcoming exam for 3 hours, and kill a stray mouse that woke me up from a sound sleep last night. I want to call up Mr. Wonderful and chat for an hour, then take a nap. I have to pay my bills. I want to go to the mall and buy something cute or sultry to wear the next time he is in town from California. I have to be responsible. I want to party.
I wrote a blog about it, but apparently forgot to save it, as it's not been posted. Not all is lost, however... I do recall telling my boyfriend that I am cured from eating in in my room(on principle, he hates people who eat in bed) because I watched a little mousie (about 4 inches too long for my taste) tow away a little Kraft Single's Wrapper from my midnight snack last night at about 0100.
Mice are the grossest thing that exist in common domesticated households. Besides rotting produce, that is. That little rat-b@$7@rd was peaking at me, taunting, and otherwise rabel-rousing in my presence. He knew that I knew that he knew I was watching him watch me! The nerve!
I wrote a blog about it, but apparently forgot to save it, as it's not been posted. Not all is lost, however... I do recall telling my boyfriend that I am cured from eating in in my room(on principle, he hates people who eat in bed) because I watched a little mousie (about 4 inches too long for my taste) tow away a little Kraft Single's Wrapper from my midnight snack last night at about 0100.
Mice are the grossest thing that exist in common domesticated households. Besides rotting produce, that is. That little rat-b@$7@rd was peaking at me, taunting, and otherwise rabel-rousing in my presence. He knew that I knew that he knew I was watching him watch me! The nerve!
Wednesday, September 01, 2004
Top 10 Retorts to my ex's latest comment.
First, we must examine the comment: "I bet you're getting hit on more than me. Well, at least I had a good piece of ass for 11 years." I told a friend that being raped was easier than dealing with that shit-ass remark. That was not entirely true, although the remark completely demoralized me when I read it. I'm not exactly mad, disappointed or whatever.... but I have, after the fact, come up with a number of cruel responses.
10. Wait... are you actually insinuating that you wanted me?
9. I wasn't good because of you.... it was in spite of you.
8. Geez, I had enough free time alone.. it's reasonable to assume that I did some interesting reading.
7. So when you screamed in my face, threatened me, and generally made me hate my life... you were trying to say .. what..? That you were glad I was there? Oh I see.
6.
This is stupid. And I don't have enough time to really sort it out and be clever about it.
10. Wait... are you actually insinuating that you wanted me?
9. I wasn't good because of you.... it was in spite of you.
8. Geez, I had enough free time alone.. it's reasonable to assume that I did some interesting reading.
7. So when you screamed in my face, threatened me, and generally made me hate my life... you were trying to say .. what..? That you were glad I was there? Oh I see.
6.
This is stupid. And I don't have enough time to really sort it out and be clever about it.
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