Yesterday I didn't cry
That was a first. I thought I'd cry every time I went back to the house. I thought every time I was sad about it, I'd cry. But I am gaining strength from my adversity. .. Well, it's actually from God, but you know what I mean. By the way... have I ever mentioned that I don't believe in political correctness?? I only speak the truth... And I believe in God.
Well excuse me for thinking really deep thoughts
My beloved twin is having a difficult time and I want to make it all better for her. But she is struggling on her own and I am truly proud to see her fighting her way out of this. She inspires me and everyone. And she doesn't really even know it.
The last of my stuff is in my apartment. I ordered my first pizza here, did my first load of laundry, went grocery shopping, paid bills... etc. The world does not stop spinning when you are going through an emotionally charged period. I was just thinking: static cling emotion! Like every dang time you think you're getting on with life, you find this sock attatched to your back. So is healing, then like fabric softener?
Sunday, November 30, 2003
Friday, November 28, 2003
Silent all these years
I never shared my misgivings about my marriage with anyone... but it seems a lot of people could still see that. Even my spouse could not see. But I could. For instance, last summer, we went with friends to an art festival. I remember thinking how in love they all were, and why did I feel so bad? Something was not right in Whoville, but I did not know what.
Did I go somewhere for the holiday?
In a word? No. I actually cooked a small turkey that looked more like a chicken (but it was turkey, I swear). And I organized my closet, lined my dresser drawers, and drank beer. You heard me right -- I drank beer. Ten people called and asked if I would join them for "leftovers" or for "dessert"... but I felt more like they wanted to ease their minds and consciences of having someone alone, wallowing (say wallering) in sadness on their watch. Can I blame these heartful people for caring? Heck no. But I simply had no mind for football games, mindless chattering about turkey-cooking techniques, and most especially, about so-and-so's recent fishing trip.
What I wanted, was to go with my spouse to his brother's place for dinner. One of the reasons I tried to hold out until after the holidays (I mean, why I tried to not leave), was that I wanted desperately to see my sister-in-law. She is an amazing woman who I could only hope to be like, one day. Smart and self-assured and an awesome cook, she always has an opinion and she changes it not-often.
Speaking of not changing one's mind or yielding one's opinions...
I saw a t-shirt that I simply must own. It has a sentiment that I have always felt, but in this day and age, and in my social setting, it is sometimes considered un-PC. Newsflash! I HATE PC! So anyways... the t-shirt said "Equal Rights for Pre-Born People". It was on a total liberal, ragging about abortion.
Here's my unique angle on abortion: Since for 10 years I was trying to have kids, and I haven't yet... then every single life is precious to me. I want a baby. "Fine timing Lucille", you say. Yah, shure, you betcha. But that doesn't change my Plans for the Future.
I never shared my misgivings about my marriage with anyone... but it seems a lot of people could still see that. Even my spouse could not see. But I could. For instance, last summer, we went with friends to an art festival. I remember thinking how in love they all were, and why did I feel so bad? Something was not right in Whoville, but I did not know what.
Did I go somewhere for the holiday?
In a word? No. I actually cooked a small turkey that looked more like a chicken (but it was turkey, I swear). And I organized my closet, lined my dresser drawers, and drank beer. You heard me right -- I drank beer. Ten people called and asked if I would join them for "leftovers" or for "dessert"... but I felt more like they wanted to ease their minds and consciences of having someone alone, wallowing (say wallering) in sadness on their watch. Can I blame these heartful people for caring? Heck no. But I simply had no mind for football games, mindless chattering about turkey-cooking techniques, and most especially, about so-and-so's recent fishing trip.
What I wanted, was to go with my spouse to his brother's place for dinner. One of the reasons I tried to hold out until after the holidays (I mean, why I tried to not leave), was that I wanted desperately to see my sister-in-law. She is an amazing woman who I could only hope to be like, one day. Smart and self-assured and an awesome cook, she always has an opinion and she changes it not-often.
Speaking of not changing one's mind or yielding one's opinions...
I saw a t-shirt that I simply must own. It has a sentiment that I have always felt, but in this day and age, and in my social setting, it is sometimes considered un-PC. Newsflash! I HATE PC! So anyways... the t-shirt said "Equal Rights for Pre-Born People". It was on a total liberal, ragging about abortion.
Here's my unique angle on abortion: Since for 10 years I was trying to have kids, and I haven't yet... then every single life is precious to me. I want a baby. "Fine timing Lucille", you say. Yah, shure, you betcha. But that doesn't change my Plans for the Future.
Tuesday, November 25, 2003
Christian Morals, loosely defined
So I'm dropping by the old homestead yesterday to get the last of my personal effects, possessions and a table for my diningroom. A coworker (I'm lucky in that i work with a bunch of big, strong, helpful, dumb men) offered to assist in wrestling around the furniture... That was Sunday....
By early Monday, he had prayerfully considered my situation, and although he still agreed that I needed to get out of my home and start the healing process... his christian morals (I'm not using a capital there, because I don't believe his morals are very Christain) would not allow for him to help a married woman move out of her house and into an apartment... He said "I'll help you with anything else... but I just can't help you move out." So what the heck??? (I have a potty-mouth, so you know what I really wanted to say {wink}) He first offered, and then recinded help, all in a 24-hour period. What a headache.
On the bright side... My boss just bought a half-million dollar house. (Here, that's big, kids). The last person in the world who I wanted to see my homestead was him. But he helped without question, and in the end, it was a very productive mission. Plus, I got to have my ego and pride shot to hell-in-a-handbasket. Yay.
I'm going out of town in a few days for job training. My mom said to get out there and kick my heels up. MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GIVING ME PERMISSION TO DO???? I think I'll meet some close friends instead, and try to nurse my heartache.
Finally, I got sleep. And finally I ate. Getting back to normal has never been so depressing.
So I'm dropping by the old homestead yesterday to get the last of my personal effects, possessions and a table for my diningroom. A coworker (I'm lucky in that i work with a bunch of big, strong, helpful, dumb men) offered to assist in wrestling around the furniture... That was Sunday....
By early Monday, he had prayerfully considered my situation, and although he still agreed that I needed to get out of my home and start the healing process... his christian morals (I'm not using a capital there, because I don't believe his morals are very Christain) would not allow for him to help a married woman move out of her house and into an apartment... He said "I'll help you with anything else... but I just can't help you move out." So what the heck??? (I have a potty-mouth, so you know what I really wanted to say {wink}) He first offered, and then recinded help, all in a 24-hour period. What a headache.
On the bright side... My boss just bought a half-million dollar house. (Here, that's big, kids). The last person in the world who I wanted to see my homestead was him. But he helped without question, and in the end, it was a very productive mission. Plus, I got to have my ego and pride shot to hell-in-a-handbasket. Yay.
I'm going out of town in a few days for job training. My mom said to get out there and kick my heels up. MOM, DO YOU KNOW WHAT YOU'RE GIVING ME PERMISSION TO DO???? I think I'll meet some close friends instead, and try to nurse my heartache.
Finally, I got sleep. And finally I ate. Getting back to normal has never been so depressing.
Saturday, November 22, 2003
Why I should not trust my self diagnosis using "pop" psychology:
Music is important to me. Lyrics too. I love to sing (and sing very well, thank you!) but gave it up in the public domain a long time ago, because of a very visible disaster with my sibling, at church. But I sing to the ones I hold dear to my heart; my mom and until lately my spouse. There are a few friends I sing for, too.
Sad songs get right to the guts of my feelings. Oddly, they do not depress me but instead lift my spirits because someone in the universe has been here before... My new favorite song for this period in my life is called "Lincoln Avenue", by Train on their new Private Nation CD . BTW, Train is my fav-o-rite band. Anyways, find the Lyrics
here.
Last Sunday we went to the movies and listened to that CD on the way home. Even though I've owned it since June, we weren't sad then ... not in this place in our lives, so it didn't have the knee-bringing-to effect that it did a week ago. I think it was after listening to the CD that I started to lean off of the fence -- the fence of "will I stay or go". It's frightening to think that music is that powerful in my life. Emotions are magnified through music that suits my mood.
....A word about why I left...
Obviously it doesn't have anything to do with the music or my feelings regarding it. Have you ever experienced something that wasn't quite right, that you didn't really understand, but you could never put your finger on it? And after a long period of time, you suddenly gain an instant of perfect clarity, and you are never the same again? Sometimes it can be experienced in academics... like insight in solving an algebra equation. Other times, like mine, it's all about people. You feel like you are waiting for the tide to turn for about 3 years, and then when it does, you say "yeah.. I shoulda seen that coming." You know what? I did see that coming.
Now admitting to myself that it was happening is rather foreign. Who would ever admit that their marriage is over? There are no role-models for calling it quits! Can you imagine books and magazines dedicated to "What to wear when you know it's over" and "How to plan a memorable divorce dinner". There could be chocolates wrapped in tiny print-outs of your stock portfolia or divorce decree, which you would pass to family and friends. Oh, I know.. a show on Oprah "She left, and you can too!"
Everyone has that imaginary line in the sand. Sometimes it's crossed over in secret, in the middle of the night, and when the crossing is discovered, all of a sudden it's just over. Sometimes your spouse gets nearer and nearer the line, and tippy-toes across it over the course of months or years or even decades. In my case, we were both kinda eyeing it and advancing and retreating. Some time ago I just stood in front of that imaginary line and found he was standing there too. Nose to nose, we eyed eachother and poked eachother in the chest and huffed and puffed and he backed away... far away. I stood still, contemplating my next move, when he came back... running like a freight train on greased rails. Completely friggin' bowled me over. Yes, I mean to intimate that this feels a lot like a train wreck.
So I am almost finished moving...
Probably I'll finish today or tomorrow. I hate this. My feelings do not run like a faucet, and there is nothing to stop them. My sister-in-law told me that it is like putting a band-aid over open heart surgery. Um-hmm.
Music is important to me. Lyrics too. I love to sing (and sing very well, thank you!) but gave it up in the public domain a long time ago, because of a very visible disaster with my sibling, at church. But I sing to the ones I hold dear to my heart; my mom and until lately my spouse. There are a few friends I sing for, too.
Sad songs get right to the guts of my feelings. Oddly, they do not depress me but instead lift my spirits because someone in the universe has been here before... My new favorite song for this period in my life is called "Lincoln Avenue", by Train on their new Private Nation CD . BTW, Train is my fav-o-rite band. Anyways, find the Lyrics
here.
Last Sunday we went to the movies and listened to that CD on the way home. Even though I've owned it since June, we weren't sad then ... not in this place in our lives, so it didn't have the knee-bringing-to effect that it did a week ago. I think it was after listening to the CD that I started to lean off of the fence -- the fence of "will I stay or go". It's frightening to think that music is that powerful in my life. Emotions are magnified through music that suits my mood.
....A word about why I left...
Obviously it doesn't have anything to do with the music or my feelings regarding it. Have you ever experienced something that wasn't quite right, that you didn't really understand, but you could never put your finger on it? And after a long period of time, you suddenly gain an instant of perfect clarity, and you are never the same again? Sometimes it can be experienced in academics... like insight in solving an algebra equation. Other times, like mine, it's all about people. You feel like you are waiting for the tide to turn for about 3 years, and then when it does, you say "yeah.. I shoulda seen that coming." You know what? I did see that coming.
Now admitting to myself that it was happening is rather foreign. Who would ever admit that their marriage is over? There are no role-models for calling it quits! Can you imagine books and magazines dedicated to "What to wear when you know it's over" and "How to plan a memorable divorce dinner". There could be chocolates wrapped in tiny print-outs of your stock portfolia or divorce decree, which you would pass to family and friends. Oh, I know.. a show on Oprah "She left, and you can too!"
Everyone has that imaginary line in the sand. Sometimes it's crossed over in secret, in the middle of the night, and when the crossing is discovered, all of a sudden it's just over. Sometimes your spouse gets nearer and nearer the line, and tippy-toes across it over the course of months or years or even decades. In my case, we were both kinda eyeing it and advancing and retreating. Some time ago I just stood in front of that imaginary line and found he was standing there too. Nose to nose, we eyed eachother and poked eachother in the chest and huffed and puffed and he backed away... far away. I stood still, contemplating my next move, when he came back... running like a freight train on greased rails. Completely friggin' bowled me over. Yes, I mean to intimate that this feels a lot like a train wreck.
So I am almost finished moving...
Probably I'll finish today or tomorrow. I hate this. My feelings do not run like a faucet, and there is nothing to stop them. My sister-in-law told me that it is like putting a band-aid over open heart surgery. Um-hmm.
Moved more stuff today. It's weird how things come right down to whether or not you take the good mixing bowls or the crappy ones.... I'm the one leaving ... does that entitle me to the collection of spices in the cabinet? The wine? Oh wait... he doesn't drink wine! What about the food in the pantry? The fridge magnets? (and do I really want to move my MagPo again???)
Still no sleep today, but I finally ate a full meal -- my favorite Chinese place is now right across the street, rather than 40 miles from home (I typo'd "him. Yes, Him).
I just have the damnest time believing that it was really me who left! It wasn't like I knew that is what I wanted. I made a stand and said what I wanted and he forced my hand. NO! He didn't force me to do anything. I simply couldn't abide with the consequences of living with him any longer.
For the first time in my life, I am living alone. For the first time in my life, I actually took a stand and did not back down from my true convictions.
God blessed my little pointy skull. :) Thanks God!
Still no sleep today, but I finally ate a full meal -- my favorite Chinese place is now right across the street, rather than 40 miles from home (I typo'd "him. Yes, Him).
I just have the damnest time believing that it was really me who left! It wasn't like I knew that is what I wanted. I made a stand and said what I wanted and he forced my hand. NO! He didn't force me to do anything. I simply couldn't abide with the consequences of living with him any longer.
For the first time in my life, I am living alone. For the first time in my life, I actually took a stand and did not back down from my true convictions.
God blessed my little pointy skull. :) Thanks God!
Friday, November 21, 2003
I haven't slept in a million years and I haven't eaten since 6 o'clock last night. Four a.m. sucks no matter if you wake up then, the party is just getting good, or if you are on the long side of a 10 hour overnight shift.
My personal life is in shambles, but I have more hope than ever, for the future. I am certain of what I have to offer. I am certain that I will be alright. You wonder why the ambivalence? Because I don't really trust myself after all of this time.
What happened? I fell in love. I got married two years later. Even then, I was only 20. Now I'm 30 and for the past three years I've been trying to convince myself that this hasn't all been a big mistake.
Today I will take a second load of boxes to my new apartment. My friend is bringing some furniture this morning as soon as I leave the office. The apartment manager said about me yesterday after I told her I was leaving home "I know the look... a lot of us have been there before."
Then please tell me why I feel so alone?
My personal life is in shambles, but I have more hope than ever, for the future. I am certain of what I have to offer. I am certain that I will be alright. You wonder why the ambivalence? Because I don't really trust myself after all of this time.
What happened? I fell in love. I got married two years later. Even then, I was only 20. Now I'm 30 and for the past three years I've been trying to convince myself that this hasn't all been a big mistake.
Today I will take a second load of boxes to my new apartment. My friend is bringing some furniture this morning as soon as I leave the office. The apartment manager said about me yesterday after I told her I was leaving home "I know the look... a lot of us have been there before."
Then please tell me why I feel so alone?
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