I hated that stupid song by Natalie Imbruglia.....
But lately, that' exactly how I'm feeling. There is so much pain in her voice when she's singing..maybe I just didn't like it because it's depressing to me???

With all of the crap that I dealt with during my marriage... 1) That my husband wasn't happy and it was my fault, 2) That I was a bad wife and that is why he was so cold to me, 3) That some inadquacy on my part was to blame for him not being a responsible spouse, 4) That his ambivilance toward life could be cured by extra motivation on my part... you'd think I could just cut my losses and walk away. But think about it: for a dozen years, I was doing everything in my power to help him. In retrospect, I realize that it was probably not so helpful to him that I was attempting to make his life so good. I enabled him to live in a cloistered little shell while I went off and conquered the world. That's not to say that it's my fault that my marriage fell apart, that I was to blame for the abusiveness that was moving in my direction. Hindsight is 20/20, but perhapsly I didn't have to let it go on... perhapsly I did not need to play the victim.

Last night... he showed up in my dreams
I was walking along and he came out of nowhere and picked me up. Do you think my heart is just mourning for what shoulda been, and isn't? He never picked me up in real life. Not even on our wedding night. There was no lifting me over the threshold... no gallant carrying me to bed... Ever. Not even when I was on crutches for months after my leg surgery a few years back. "Mr. Dorothy" was not a traditional man. When we first met, I thought he was just accepting of an a-traditional relationship. In many ways now, he seems quite lazy rather than accepting.

So now the question is on the table: I know more counseling is in order, and it's on the books. However I fear that I'm making enemies, like I'm letting down those who've helped me to this point, because I miss my spouse. All of the old regrets are at the forefront of my mind. Although there is no disputing what happened.. I can't get out of my head, that once upon a time, we were really in love.

Mad Love
Didja ever see that movie? It came out 2 years after my wedding. And I thought of us from the beginning. It wasn't ever normal. I remember at times we criticised other couples for being boring. Funny the plank in my eye when I was picking the speck out of yers. Reality dictates that things were, what I considered to be relatively normal for probably 80-90% of the time. However that was with me walking on pins and needles, and egg-shells, and broken glass, and hot coals for most of the time... trying to get him not to go off the deep end at me.

To Him:
I'm not gonna call you... do you understand? No emails, no letters, no visits outside of financial records and mail pickups. Don't bother buying me a birthday gift, because I don't want it. There was always a lot of pain in our relationship, and something about the way we were together always made me feel inadequate. In my friendships with other people... I don't feel like I am odd or lacking. My instincts are good and it makes me know that YOU were the mal-adjusted one.

And now you've started showing up in my dreams. That's just great. Why are you there? What am I missing? What did I do to deserve this? Stay the Hell out of my DREAMS! I don't need this grief when I'm trying to move forward with my life. You made me feel like less than a woman. Less than a human. All while telling me how proud you were of me! I don't see how you got me to thinking it was all my fault. I don't believe you ever truly meant to manipulate me... although that's exactly what you did.

Mr. Dorothy, you were no fun to live with. My days and nights were consumed with the balance between your happiness and mine. Why should I feel guilty and bad for feeling the way I do? I know we were married... but it was like you were attemping to be boring, just to ruffle my feathers... But it goes farther than that... you killed my spirit.

After you killed me dead, I felt a spark of life coming from somwhere. I was waking up from what sounded like a nightmare, but was instead real. Coming out from under the shroud, I was torn (see the aforementioned song) between what was conventionally considered "right", and what I knew was true in my own heart. That fluttering beating ragged heart that I mentioned once in a poem... it was growing into a beautiful soul once again. The substandard position that I had willingly assumed in our marriage was no longer acceptable... hell, it should *never* have been acceptable. But I started growing and doing something about it.

Recently I called someone by your name -- and I did more than once. I think it came off as insulting to the person... but actually, I've been calling a lot of people by your name lately. My brain is probably sorry about everything that happened. But I know also that it wasn't my fault, what happened. You were the bad one... not me.

WAMHAS
The other day I was chatting with my mom, and she told me to not let my heart become hardened... that God has picked out someone else to be in my life someday, and that I need to be receptive to it. She is right. There is a guy who is made for me, and someday.. I'll stand in front of God and everyone, and declare it. In my mind's eye, he is charming and funny, motivated and intelligent, patient, kind, and will be a good daddy. I don't care if he has been married in the past, and already has kids... Just as long as he has learned from the past, I'm up to the challenge.

While I'm sure I won't be getting married again for... let's say 3 years... at least.... I can say this for certain: Husband of the future, I want to be mentally well and well adjusted... not just for you, but for me, and our gonna-be babies. I'm hurting right now, but when we finally do meet, and we finally do start a life together, I'll be okay. Until then, I'll work on me every day until I'm perfect for you (do me a favor and make yourself perfect for me to, okay?).

"It's nothing without Love..."
I'm sure you've seen my blog description. It's source is a song by Jewel, called Deep Water.

This morning I again wanted to call my spouse. That need for familiarity. AAARRRRRGGGGGHHHH!

I survived a new experience...
Spending the holiday alone, I attempted to phone the soon-to-be-ex. Feeling badly for myself, I ate leftover Chinese. I'm working overnights, see, and I didn't want Christmas Dinner at the Waffle House. Eew.

I refrained from uncorking the Korbel... I want to wait for a more special occasion than me getting drunk at Christmas.. I can use cooking sherry for that! LOL. My birthday is just around the corner, and I'm trying to decide what to do.... hmmm. I think I'm going to surprise my dear twin by showing up on her doorstep. She'll crap a brick! I can't wait.

Oh Yeah! It's the Festivus for the Rest of Us! (thx blogger)

(sing to the tune of "So this is Christmas")
Christmas morning... and where am I at?
At work in Norman... and I'm wearing a hat.
Because it's cold out... and it's cold inside too.
My fingers are numbing... and my lips just turned blue.

You'd think a building full of meteorologists could come up with a comfortable indoor climate. You'd think. But then, you'd be wrong.

I got a package from mum yesterday. Cloud pajamas and Isotoner gloves. Yeah, I know that sounds SO unoriginal. But haven't you ever just peeped out a pair of Isotoner gloves or slippers and thought Gad, that's kewl. I wish I had the guts to spend $14.95 on myself. Because man, I'd spend it on gloves and/or slippers. In actuality, you'd prolly spend $14.95 on two trips to Micky D's and a Coke and a Candybar at the local party store. But I wanted these gifts. Seriously.. I never mentioned it to a soul, because how unoriginal is THAT? I digress. Amongst other gifts received, a pair of gold earrings, and some heartfelt Christmas wishes from women who actually haven't foresaken my womanhood (i.e. they are being supportive, rather than spewing the venom of disapproval. "They" say "God doesn't allow divorce!" I keep taking deep breaths and reminding myself that they haven't walked in my shoes).

So the in-laws are coming to spend the Holiday with the husband at the house. They all wish for me to come over. Like I could really do that? I haven't even been at the house when he was there, after the first week of November. When I am there, it's all I can do to keep from weeping openly. They all want to see me. I don't know if I'll ever want to see them.

My feelings at this juncture are ambivalent: strongly in the way of not caring about my spouse at all, and strongly in favor of being a little softer about it. A good friend ironically moved out on the same day I did. We were talking, and I mentioned that I was jealous because I really couldn't go home again. I don't feel safe there.. I was terrorized there. My friend goes home regularly to a spouse who is not exactly pleasant to be around. And I still find myself jealous that I can't get tired of him in that manner -- that I have to stand up and say what I want in plain words.

I finished my grad-school apps this morning and was so nervous about mailing them. In the past, my spouse would have been there to comfort me, celebrate with me, etc. My instinct was to call him and let him know what I did. But here's the problem": Although he was enthusiastiacally supportive when it came time for new ventures.... he would always be less than supportive, and even sometimes bitter about me making the most of my career. He always wanted a 1950's era housewife. Although he said he wanted me... he never showed that he wanted me. (Called my mom this morning instead.. what a mom! Yay mom!)

Friendship, Fidelity, Love, Loyalty...
Familiar with the Claddagh Story? These are the things I so desperately wanted in my marriage and did not always have. It cannot be a one-sided deal. As always, this is the place where I admit my side of the blame. But only my part. My point is that the Claddagh is a symbol of what I desire for my future. I vow to do my part in reconsiling my mistakes. And I won't take the easy road just because it's shorter; I need to do this right, making certain I am a whole person at the end of this trying time. Someday, I'll fall in love again. And when I do, I want the Claddagh to be a lasting reminder of that which I wanted and did not have.

Good Morning Life
I met with my soon-to-be former spouse yesterday. It was civil and I found myself missing him after we traded some civilities. Remember the good times? Tears stream unrestricted from my eyes. But I wasn't really crying. Remeber the inside jokes? We ate and joked and talked about when things were okay with us. He gave me a Christmas gift. He gave me a Christmas gift.

Tomorrow morning, he is leaving town to spend the holidays with his family. Then his family is accompanying him back here for Christmas morning. They want the two of us to be together for that day. I made no committments, and in fact, I've volunteered to work an extended stretch of hours at work so that I don't have to even think about the Holidays. I'm on overnights right now, through mid-January.

Today at the bookstore, I bought him a couple of books. It seemed only right since he bought me a thoughtful gift. You know, it is really confusing to me how he is so serene, and wants to give me all of the time I need. All of a sudden, he's more understanding. He can function on his own. It's like as soon as he lost me, he could function like a normal human being. So my confusion and sadness are mainly remorse that he was never reasonably well-adjusted when he was with me.

There is some hope still left in him, that we'll reconsile one day. That part of me that always wants to make everyone happy, still wants to give him hope. But it left me so cold when I saw him. I wanted to scream and say "DIDN'T YOU EVER LOVE ME?!?!" And if you did, why are you so cold right now? Why am I the only one with tears streaming down her face?

So there is that thing about a weekend in Dallas...
Yeah, I took off to the Dallas metroplex for the weekend. Last weekend. It's close enough to drive it, and I met with colleague for sight-seeing and real food. See, they don't make real food where I come from. But anyways, I had my photo taken in front of the legendary Grassy Knoll. I shopped. I ate a prime rib the size of a house. Good people, good drink, good fun.
I give...
My dearest darling twin wanted the details, because she's nosy. Guess what sissy? I'm not sharing. But she wouldn't relent. She began to accuse me of everything from shirking my familial duties by not showing up at Christmas, to hinting at infidelity to my estranged spouse. I refused to be aparty to that line of questioning. Simply put, it's disrespectful to me. In the end, (we were chatting online when this occurred) she asked me to please never talk to her again, and that she would return my Christmas gifts unopened!