I Need a Hero....

So it seems that Jac X'd me out of his life and while that bruised my ego, I agree it is all for the best.

What I struggle with today is: how am I supposed to meet people when can't seem to talk to them? How can I find the One that God has intended for me if I don't look for him?

I'm all mixed up, bruised and hurt, bleeding in my heart., confused.... Anyone ever hear the Chris Rice song called Hero?

I need a hero.... who'll dare to find me....

-dot.

I'm Really Struggling Here

Jac emailed me on Thursday to cancel our date for today (Saturday). Seems that he has to work. He EMAILED me to cancel a date, then got defensive that I didn't just say "well, okay, cool... see you when you get back from wherever the hell you're going for the next few weeks".

Of course I was disappointed. And of course I really wanted to see him- he said the same to me. But in 3 days, he has not called. No email in two days. And I'm supposed to what? Just sit here and wait for him?

Not quite. I'm practicing my guitar, taking lots of bike rides, and pretending not to care. But I care. It hurts me.

I do not want to feel like a loser because some guy who I'm crazy about doesn't call. But what is he thinking? Why am I 34 and single?

This just sucks. I know that God has a plan for me. So why does this have to be so hard? I hated being married to my ex... but I loved being a wife. It's where my heart was.... I loved making a home for myself and my mate.

Parlez Vous Francais? What Would You Say? or Love in the Slow Lane

Jac's mama' arrived from Montreal about 2 hours after my flight from Detroit. He tells me that he "has custody" of her for the next 3-5 months. His genuine surprise occurred when I said "good for you"! instead of "Your mother will be staying with you for 5 months???" Later in the night, he offered for me to teach mama' English and she can teach me Francais.

We shared some Montreal beer at my place, a short drive to the old part of town, and a semi-embarrassing experience when we both wore the same exact shade of red shirt. A fine-dining French restaurant that I didn't know existed, a martini on the rocks, sans olives, foie gras, wine, caprese salad, smoked duck, filet minon, port and two gran marnier soufflés with raspberry sauce on top.

A walk around the boardwalk, holding hands, talking about the past, about the future, about kids, parents, expectations... short drive to my house, two more hours of talking... now snuggling on the chaise in the most non-sexual, but also the most respectful and most romantic in present history.

More talking, some South Park, more snuggling, and I walked him out to his car. What impressed me the most is that Jac suggested that we take things "really slow".

Why is being shown respect the greatest thing that's happened to me in months? Why is it that not being treated like a piece of sexual meat even registers on my radar? No matter what the answer... I can tell you that I like being Jac's innocent princess.

One Year Later....

My and Othello's 1-year anniversary would have been this past Tuesday. I ached when I saw the reminder on my calendar. He was a true love. But we were not meant to be and we both knew it.

We went to dinner to celebrate our love and our friendship. To me, this is a huge accomplishment to be able to be okay with one that I loved so very much.

Things are going to be okay. I saw that I'm still very afraid to open my heart to someone new (Blac-Jac included)... and the virtues of taking it slow are extolled upon me.

A French-Canadian Kiss....

Blac-Jac Shellac is a French Canadian. I think the character reference came from Looney Tunes Yosemite Sam arch-nemisis.

But Blac-Jac is kind, courteous and wickedly intelligent. He loves California (as do I) and has eyes the colour of the Agean Sea (which I've only read about). He does a silly impression of Cartman with a French accent, and is a fan of Dirty Martinis.

We went to see the Michael Moore film, Sicko, at the Tower Theater (next door to the original Tower Records Location). Then to dinner. The place we ate was so loud (part of a dance-club/bar), that we sat next to eachother.

Looking into his pale blue eyes and listening to his laugh... he seemed impressed that I was not bored to tears talking about politics... He was trying to impress me with all of the places he's been - but he didn't realize that I was already impressed. :-)

Walking out of the restaurant, our hands brushed for a moment. He opened the car door for me, let me in... and shut it for me (something that all other men have completely forgotten). We chatted until he parked in front of my house - which has a port-a-john out front on a trailer, to accomodate the workmen who are laboring on the water line under the house.

He shut off the car and said "we're here".... and I thanked him for dinner, the movie, and popcorn. He offered to buy a bike this weekend so that he can keep up with me next weekend and beyond. Blac-Jac asked if I would agree to go on a day-trip with him next weekend.

And then he leaned over... kissed me ever so gently right next to my lips. So I moved my lips over to his and kissed him back.... and then he kissed me back again and again. So chaste... so sweet.

My head was swimming a minute later when I got out of the car and walked up to my house. He stayed out on the street until I turned my light on inside.

Isn't romance just the greatest?
Who knows what the future will bring.... as I get to know Blac-Jac, and a host of others. But I am living in the moment, okay with myself.... living up to my own high standards.... and open to the possibility of love again one day (and totally loving the feeling of infatuation after a first kiss).