That's me: mono-girl for the last entire month!!! I haven't been working. Only attending class, doing homework, and allowing friends to come over to check on me from time to time.
It's really boring. Really... freaking... boring... But I've stopped consuming pre-packaged food (except for the 2 mini brownie bites from Starbux on the way to class), and comPLETELY stopped drinking coffee. Did I ever profess my undying love for coffee? Because I love it. Utterly. But it doesn't love me, my tummy or my nervous system. And thus I've stopped. I'm eating fresh veggies every day. No red meat. Fresh fruit. I love California. Produce... with a heavy emphasis on the "fabulous".
Still incredibly fatigued, and starting to wonder if I'll ever get better and be able to go to the gym again. I had myself convinced that I had some rare and horrible disease, the likes of which I would never recover. Imagine my happiness that it's only mononucleosis? But it's beleaguering. It's draining me.
___
But with all of this free time, it's occurred to me that, with the notable exception of the lack of a partner and babies... I've accomplished all of my major life's goals. And I'm only in my mid 30s! I've exceeded Expectations! Even my own!
All summer, I vowed to go without goals. This was scary for me, because frankly, I always feel that if one is not growing, they are dying (always my harsh words.. always they come back to bite me in the ass). So I've felt weird and without goals until a few weeks ago when I discovered something and thought to myself "I should do something about that".
Well, much to my chagrin and that of my "never-wanna-be-an-African-Missionary" sister... I learned that in my field, data from Africa is scarce. Not because it's not there, but because it hadn't been published in English. And I thought to myself, oh-so-casually... "huh... I should go and do something about that".
Hold the presses. I just said what??? I just said, "I, Dorothy Gale, of Kansas, but not in Kansas, wish to go to Africa and rectify the lack of climate data". I said it. I basically said that I want to be a missionary. For my cause.
Jayleigh once said that we have to be willing when we hear the call. That's why she and I both prayed and prayed and prayed that we would never hear the call to Africa. We were scared. But of what? The unknown? Who knows now... it just seemed horrible.
But we never knew one thing: God would never make us go do something without making us WANT it.... He gives us the desire. The one that I have now.
____
LaMar wants to go to Africa. Very Bad. See how this is coming full circle? We spent the first year of our dating relationship at home, dreaming and scheming about the future. He's not a dreamer nor a schemer. It's hard when it's like that.
But I swear I've never felt like this toward another human being. I've noticed that I'm keeping my mouth shut more because NOT that I like it or it's easy... but because I care about him and want him to know that I value his words. It sometimes scares me that I care about his happiness and our happiness as a couple, just as much as I care about my own... but isn't that the way it's supposed to work?
Apparently, I'd always just assumed that the planets and sun orbited around me. Not anymore. I want a partner. I want this partner.
Dot.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
Monday, September 01, 2008
BB love, or, addiction!
I'm totally blogging this from my bed, using the new blackberry! It's SO a step up from the old laptop... Lighter and quieter.
So basically I got the $30/month data plan with my phone & have founf that I don't really use (utilize) it that much. But the GPS feature that I DO want is a mere $10 more/ month. Grrrrrr!
Therefore I am attempting to exhibit restraint. So..... Difficult..... WHERE AM I? Checkung GPS... I'm in BED, still.
So basically I got the $30/month data plan with my phone & have founf that I don't really use (utilize) it that much. But the GPS feature that I DO want is a mere $10 more/ month. Grrrrrr!
Therefore I am attempting to exhibit restraint. So..... Difficult..... WHERE AM I? Checkung GPS... I'm in BED, still.
Tuesday, August 19, 2008
"Fine"
Wow.... I missed my "Divorce-a-versary" this year by many weeks. It's been four years. Over 4 years.
However, I didn't forget the 11-month anniversary with LaMar. Wow... I remember when starting to date M.W. and Othello, I was always on here talking... constantly, incessantly. I've moved into a different mode of my life and it's not so important anymore to write, because I'm LIVING instead.... :-)
Damn, it feels good to finally be out from under that cloud!
Peace.
Dot.
However, I didn't forget the 11-month anniversary with LaMar. Wow... I remember when starting to date M.W. and Othello, I was always on here talking... constantly, incessantly. I've moved into a different mode of my life and it's not so important anymore to write, because I'm LIVING instead.... :-)
Damn, it feels good to finally be out from under that cloud!
Peace.
Dot.
Friday, July 25, 2008
Failed Attempts
If therapy has shown me anything, it’s not to regret the past, but to find good in all of it… even in failed attempts (The Justin Ferrin Song,by the same name, is a fave of mine).
Nelson was very funny. He had a sense of humor and tried to do right. He gobbled up the Bible and even though his sense of leadership was woefully misguided, he wanted to do well.
His curls were legendary and his twitching lip was precious. I liked his feet, and legs. He liked mint body-wash and that was cute, too.
We always thought the world was so small, so limiting, but we were trying to be happy – even amidst a wreck of a home and a mess. He did try to provide for me, even through his foolish attempts to appease what he thought I wanted.
I loved Nelson with my whole heart and his mental illness coupled with the violence he learned over the years, smashed and splintered what was left of our decade-long marriage. One of my saddest regrets is that I was trying to make it work and he wouldn’t get help so he could try too.
There is a part of me that will always always always love what I thought we shared together. He had a beautiful heart when it wasn’t messed up and psycho.
And now I know…. Nel’s lack of following his dreams for fear of being unsuccessful and my lack of support is what I learned – that the thing I’ve been doing all along – following my childhood dreams is what makes me happiest!
Mister Wonderful, on the other hand, showed me more passion in 3 years, than I’d felt in the previous 30… with the possible exception of a high-school boyfriend that I loved, but who the timing was all wrong, with. Our infatuation for one another grew to an ardor that I could scarcely explain in words. In my whole life – let alone in my 30s (not my teens) – never did I expect to be so powerful with feeling toward a single man.
Since we fell in love over the phone (his company was a client of mine), there was absolutely no physical attraction. We didn’t even meet for nearly a year. When asked by my sister what I saw in him, I said that we respected each other.
Yes, it’s true; I never said passion. We had a mutual love for our shared field of study… even a few other things. It lasted for 3 years but fell apart very quickly when it became apparent there was no common goals for the future.
Othello is the love that never should’ve been. When I decided to advertise on Match.com for a boyfriend, I said that I was looking for a friend first. Well I found a friend. We were involved for 10 months of which most was semi-miserable, but it kept me from being lonely.
The last six months we dated, we learned how to be friends. It broke my heart when we broke up, because although we were both very wrong for one another, if I hadn’t required that he be in love with me, we would have married and had kids. Because why? Because he was stable.
He taught me what it was to be normal, and that normal could be really satisfying. He often said “you deserve to be happy” or “you are a good person”. In retrospect, settling for him would have been the only mistake bigger than my marrying Nel.
The truth is that Othello ended up being both boring and passive-aggressive, with a total and complete lack of intimacy. But I was still settling down from the anger after my divorce, and it worked out nicely to have a dose of passion, and then stability before meeting the love of my life.
If this post were a musical, I'd now break into a chorus of "A Whole New World" from the musical cartoon movie, Aladdin.
Cuz now I'm in a whole new world with you....
Yeah... LaMar... woot. I'm finally feeling like letting all of that stuff go.
Dot.
P.S. After ruminating on this post for the weekend, I'm feeling really good about where things are going with LaMar. It upsets my mom that I change the names of all of the people on this blog, in order to protect the identity of the innocent... but LaMar is an amazing man and anyone who knows me in life, knows who he really is. No secrets there!
Nelson was very funny. He had a sense of humor and tried to do right. He gobbled up the Bible and even though his sense of leadership was woefully misguided, he wanted to do well.
His curls were legendary and his twitching lip was precious. I liked his feet, and legs. He liked mint body-wash and that was cute, too.
We always thought the world was so small, so limiting, but we were trying to be happy – even amidst a wreck of a home and a mess. He did try to provide for me, even through his foolish attempts to appease what he thought I wanted.
I loved Nelson with my whole heart and his mental illness coupled with the violence he learned over the years, smashed and splintered what was left of our decade-long marriage. One of my saddest regrets is that I was trying to make it work and he wouldn’t get help so he could try too.
There is a part of me that will always always always love what I thought we shared together. He had a beautiful heart when it wasn’t messed up and psycho.
And now I know…. Nel’s lack of following his dreams for fear of being unsuccessful and my lack of support is what I learned – that the thing I’ve been doing all along – following my childhood dreams is what makes me happiest!
Mister Wonderful, on the other hand, showed me more passion in 3 years, than I’d felt in the previous 30… with the possible exception of a high-school boyfriend that I loved, but who the timing was all wrong, with. Our infatuation for one another grew to an ardor that I could scarcely explain in words. In my whole life – let alone in my 30s (not my teens) – never did I expect to be so powerful with feeling toward a single man.
Since we fell in love over the phone (his company was a client of mine), there was absolutely no physical attraction. We didn’t even meet for nearly a year. When asked by my sister what I saw in him, I said that we respected each other.
Yes, it’s true; I never said passion. We had a mutual love for our shared field of study… even a few other things. It lasted for 3 years but fell apart very quickly when it became apparent there was no common goals for the future.
Othello is the love that never should’ve been. When I decided to advertise on Match.com for a boyfriend, I said that I was looking for a friend first. Well I found a friend. We were involved for 10 months of which most was semi-miserable, but it kept me from being lonely.
The last six months we dated, we learned how to be friends. It broke my heart when we broke up, because although we were both very wrong for one another, if I hadn’t required that he be in love with me, we would have married and had kids. Because why? Because he was stable.
He taught me what it was to be normal, and that normal could be really satisfying. He often said “you deserve to be happy” or “you are a good person”. In retrospect, settling for him would have been the only mistake bigger than my marrying Nel.
The truth is that Othello ended up being both boring and passive-aggressive, with a total and complete lack of intimacy. But I was still settling down from the anger after my divorce, and it worked out nicely to have a dose of passion, and then stability before meeting the love of my life.
If this post were a musical, I'd now break into a chorus of "A Whole New World" from the musical cartoon movie, Aladdin.
Cuz now I'm in a whole new world with you....
Yeah... LaMar... woot. I'm finally feeling like letting all of that stuff go.
Dot.
P.S. After ruminating on this post for the weekend, I'm feeling really good about where things are going with LaMar. It upsets my mom that I change the names of all of the people on this blog, in order to protect the identity of the innocent... but LaMar is an amazing man and anyone who knows me in life, knows who he really is. No secrets there!
Monday, July 07, 2008
I am Yours
Jayleigh wrote a post about my trip with LaMar to Chicago this week.
You know she's right. The only thing to fear is fear itself. Because God is watching out for me.
The facts remain: I couldn't get the weekend tickets, or the Friday flight for a reason. We're gonna be alright and I need to stop worrying right now.
You know she's right. The only thing to fear is fear itself. Because God is watching out for me.
Heavenly Father,
thank you for never letting me go,
never letting me down,
always lifting me up,
always helping me out
thank you for your love,
for my capacity to love,
for my family's love,
and LaMar's love for me
I ask that you watch over us,
that you stand beside us
keep your hand on us at all times
and clear a path of safety for us in an otherwise dangerous world
Please keep us safe, Lord,
Please let us be a beacon unto you,
Please take away our fears - my fear
Please take away our anxieties
God, I ask that you fill us with your love
fill us with the burning desire to do your will
fill up with hope for the future
and never let the fear return.
In Jesus' name I pray...
I'm Always Yours, Dorothy
The facts remain: I couldn't get the weekend tickets, or the Friday flight for a reason. We're gonna be alright and I need to stop worrying right now.
Sunday, May 18, 2008
Mere Words?
My darling LaMar is a man of many, many words. Yet he told his mother (on Mother's Day... sitting right next to me), that I, Dorothy, am "The One".
Sigh.
We talk a lot. A. Freaking. LOT. Sometimes it's contentious. Sometimes we're a little bickery. But our communication is second to none, and I'm in love.
We're going to meet my family in Chicago in July. What a day that will be, eh? I'm really happy and excited!
Sigh.
We talk a lot. A. Freaking. LOT. Sometimes it's contentious. Sometimes we're a little bickery. But our communication is second to none, and I'm in love.
We're going to meet my family in Chicago in July. What a day that will be, eh? I'm really happy and excited!
Wednesday, April 30, 2008
The Sad Little Birthday part II: A Sad Little Party
It was sushi. On a Monday night. With 5 women, two of whom he dated, two more who he wanted at one point or another, and one friend from h.s. who is about the most annoying woman on the planet (think: aggressive, self-important real estate agent). All of the guys canceled.
We had fun. I was the only one who knew any of them. These ladies had never actually met one another. Isn't that strange?
Anyhoo... Othello dropped in and we walked a couple of miles after returning home. Then ice cream. It made me sad because he was so great at making my birthday awesome last year (as I made his), even though there were bad problems in the relationship.
So by 10:00, he was all alone, at home. Lying in the bed that he made for himself.
Not that it needs to be spoken, but I was in my bed, all alone, as well.
We had fun. I was the only one who knew any of them. These ladies had never actually met one another. Isn't that strange?
Anyhoo... Othello dropped in and we walked a couple of miles after returning home. Then ice cream. It made me sad because he was so great at making my birthday awesome last year (as I made his), even though there were bad problems in the relationship.
So by 10:00, he was all alone, at home. Lying in the bed that he made for himself.
Not that it needs to be spoken, but I was in my bed, all alone, as well.
Hillary Clinton Needs a Reality Check
I'm not sure why she keeps saying that same thing about Obama. But here are the facts:
1) She disenfranchises the "ordinary" Americans whom she pledges to be so "in touch" with, because of her nonsensical lies, her liar husband, and condescension.
2) She criticized Obama for his association with Rev. Jeremiah Wright, when she well knew that when she and her philandering husband were going through tough times... Wright was the person they called in to counsel them!!!
Clinton is a band-wagon jumper. She appears to perceive what the public wants to hear, and then says it, regardless of what she's really going to do. And can you imagine listening to that voice for 4-8 years? OMG.... noooooooooooooo!
1) She disenfranchises the "ordinary" Americans whom she pledges to be so "in touch" with, because of her nonsensical lies, her liar husband, and condescension.
2) She criticized Obama for his association with Rev. Jeremiah Wright, when she well knew that when she and her philandering husband were going through tough times... Wright was the person they called in to counsel them!!!
Clinton is a band-wagon jumper. She appears to perceive what the public wants to hear, and then says it, regardless of what she's really going to do. And can you imagine listening to that voice for 4-8 years? OMG.... noooooooooooooo!
Friday, April 04, 2008
Blast from the Past - Welfare Red Part Deux
Somewhere around the New Year, Welfare Red emailed me to ask if we could be friends. He said "I want my Dotty back"...
Uh.. dewd... you never had me to begin with.
So Red started by explaining all of the crap he and his ex-current-soon-to-be-ex went through, was going through, etc. But he never stopped long enough to realize he shouldn't really contact other women when he is practically married to someone else.
Anyhoo.... it was tragic and I told him that I couldn't possibly be friends with him, since LaMar and I were doing so well and we want to have a relationship of integrity and respect and love.
It was just funny-weird, that's all. Poor guy.
Uh.. dewd... you never had me to begin with.
So Red started by explaining all of the crap he and his ex-current-soon-to-be-ex went through, was going through, etc. But he never stopped long enough to realize he shouldn't really contact other women when he is practically married to someone else.
Anyhoo.... it was tragic and I told him that I couldn't possibly be friends with him, since LaMar and I were doing so well and we want to have a relationship of integrity and respect and love.
It was just funny-weird, that's all. Poor guy.
The Sad Little Birthday
I ran into Othello today at the gym. He asked me if me and LaMar would be interested in coming to his birthday party this month.... Othello wanted to re-create the party that I made for him last year.... I was touched. But over half of the people there were my friends, not his. And plus... I'm not going to drag LaMar into that.
That would be like Othello inviting his ex, Stephanie, to my birthday party... and that's not gonna happen... How many times did I tell Othello that I abso-friggin-lutely hated the idea of her, that I never wanted to hear her name again? So why would I do that to LaMar, I ask thee?
Poor lil' guy. I feel sorry for him. Lonesome and lonely and broken. My fondest wish is for him to let the barriers come down and actually feel life for a change. He could live a happy life like that.... I pray that he lets someone in before it's too late.
That would be like Othello inviting his ex, Stephanie, to my birthday party... and that's not gonna happen... How many times did I tell Othello that I abso-friggin-lutely hated the idea of her, that I never wanted to hear her name again? So why would I do that to LaMar, I ask thee?
Poor lil' guy. I feel sorry for him. Lonesome and lonely and broken. My fondest wish is for him to let the barriers come down and actually feel life for a change. He could live a happy life like that.... I pray that he lets someone in before it's too late.
Wednesday, February 27, 2008
How Cool is That?
I was sitting here today, thinking....
How totally cool is it, for Chelsea Clinton, that her MOM is running for President of the United States? Obviously her dad was... but oh momma !
Let me put it in terms of my young childhood: my Dad looks vaguely like Abraham Lincoln. Therefore, it was always acceptable for us, as kids, to fantasize that our Daddy could be the President. But Mom was a Mommy.... she did Mommy things... It would have been a totally different ball-game.
Can you imagine your four-year-old fantasizing that his or her Mommy could or would be the President one day? Amazing!!!
Personally, I support Barack Obama... but I do like a world that accepts the idea of a woman being the President.
How totally cool is it, for Chelsea Clinton, that her MOM is running for President of the United States? Obviously her dad was... but oh momma !
Let me put it in terms of my young childhood: my Dad looks vaguely like Abraham Lincoln. Therefore, it was always acceptable for us, as kids, to fantasize that our Daddy could be the President. But Mom was a Mommy.... she did Mommy things... It would have been a totally different ball-game.
Can you imagine your four-year-old fantasizing that his or her Mommy could or would be the President one day? Amazing!!!
Personally, I support Barack Obama... but I do like a world that accepts the idea of a woman being the President.
Tuesday, January 29, 2008
Happy Birthday, Dorothy
From my loving LaMar, on my 35th Birthday:
Happy Birthday My Beautiful Dorothy,I am proud of us as a couple and that is reflected in the way I feel when I talked about you to others.There is a glow, a peace and warmth within when I talk about you. It is a tribute to you and to us that I feel the way I do, and it is an utter joy and revelation when just by our mere presence we influence the way other couples react to us. It is a power that we have together. It is inescapable. We are a strong unit, and it is refreshing that we are able to communicate on numerous levels and have agreements and disagreements which can be resolved without any lingering ill will. Definitely we are meant to be, and a wonderfully perfect match at that. It is a wonderfully gratifying feeling to be able to know that you are the first woman that I have had a relationship with where we have such a strong togetherness and integrity -- we are a partnership, and it just keeps getting better over time...I look forward to partaking in your birthday in actuality in the not-too distant future...I love you, my yummy Nibbles Dorothy,Your L
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
Waiting for Eli (Manning, of course)
LaMar loves football. Specifically the New York Giants. I don't really care for sports in which I am not participating. But the Sunday game last week against Green Bay was important to him. So he offered to cuddle and snuggle with me, as well as help with cooking and cleaning....
The more time we spend together, even when one or the other of us is feeling contentious....
Things are so good, but I'm so darn lonely when he's in SF for the week and I'm stuck here, doin' the do, with work and school. I've been very adamant that we won't live together. So won't I look like a hypocrite if I want him to move here but not move in with me?
Sigh....
So I'm going to wait until after my birthday, until after the Superbowl, in order to mention anything.
The more time we spend together, even when one or the other of us is feeling contentious....
Things are so good, but I'm so darn lonely when he's in SF for the week and I'm stuck here, doin' the do, with work and school. I've been very adamant that we won't live together. So won't I look like a hypocrite if I want him to move here but not move in with me?
Sigh....
So I'm going to wait until after my birthday, until after the Superbowl, in order to mention anything.
Thursday, January 17, 2008
Truly, Madly, Deeply: An Open Letter to LaMar
Sometimes I think about you...
or I'll tell someone about something we did together...
and this amazing happiness and warmth fills my heart
You approach life with this wide-eyed wonderment...
almost child-like, but not naive...
it makes me feel a little more innocent and
a little more loving toward the world
when I see your gut-reaction of appreciation and
excitement about the things around you
I'm actually pinching myself right now,
and there are tears welling up in my eyes
because I am so happy to know that you
love me..
just as much as I love you.
I love you LaMar.
Only you
Always you...
-Your Dorothy Marie
Thursday, January 03, 2008
We See Things.... The Things We See....
I started another blog today, about things which I see in SF. I have enlisted LaMar, because we get so much joy out of making fun of the things which we see.
Due to his adorable British accent, LaMar say "I sawr this" and "I sawr that"..... so the new blog is Things We Sawr [in San Francisco]
Due to his adorable British accent, LaMar say "I sawr this" and "I sawr that"..... so the new blog is Things We Sawr [in San Francisco]
Tuesday, January 01, 2008
Happy New Year, or, Things I Sawr in San Francisco
On the street, on New Year's Day, a conversation between two couples of friends, upon a chance meeting:
A literal thousand dogs, all cute and cuddly, waiting for me to abscond with one or two of them to take home.... awwww.
Lots of vacant-eye'd people, folks with babies who don't pay them attention and then turn their attention from you when you make faces at the little poppetts and then they laugh with glee.
Everyone wearing a sleeveless, black "Northface (tm)" vest. Remind me to NEV-ver buy one? A-kay, Kim-BER? Cuz I'd, like TOT-ally HATE to look or sound like EVrey one else, a-KAY?
The lady in Gap didn't really appreciate me and LaMar laughing together in the fitting room whilst trying on jeans. Seriously! I was just, like, sitting there on the bench, right? And then Oh.My.GOD! You wouldn't be-LIEVE it? He tried on JEANS! LaMar, in Jeans? Sacrilege! And then, she like, TOT-ally gave us the look of death? when we walked out of the room, right? And then we were just like "a-Kay?", right? And she was like "whatEVer" and we were like "Fine" and then we walked away.
I'm sure she was hella jealous.... :-)
Male 1: Hey Jamie, I'm surprised to see you!
Jamie: Oh? HELL-ooh! Jim, I like, TOT-ally forGOT you existed? Oh.MY.God.! OH! Yeaah... you emailed me? And I like, NEV-ver replied. Like wow. This is my friend SaraH?
A literal thousand dogs, all cute and cuddly, waiting for me to abscond with one or two of them to take home.... awwww.
Lots of vacant-eye'd people, folks with babies who don't pay them attention and then turn their attention from you when you make faces at the little poppetts and then they laugh with glee.
Everyone wearing a sleeveless, black "Northface (tm)" vest. Remind me to NEV-ver buy one? A-kay, Kim-BER? Cuz I'd, like TOT-ally HATE to look or sound like EVrey one else, a-KAY?
The lady in Gap didn't really appreciate me and LaMar laughing together in the fitting room whilst trying on jeans. Seriously! I was just, like, sitting there on the bench, right? And then Oh.My.GOD! You wouldn't be-LIEVE it? He tried on JEANS! LaMar, in Jeans? Sacrilege! And then, she like, TOT-ally gave us the look of death? when we walked out of the room, right? And then we were just like "a-Kay?", right? And she was like "whatEVer" and we were like "Fine" and then we walked away.
I'm sure she was hella jealous.... :-)
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