I Forgive You: A Blanket Pardon

My daily devotional that I read each morning (even now, I'm still in bed and just read it), spoke of incurring God's judgment each time we judge another person. "Judge not, lest ye be judged?" Yes, apparently the reason we judge not, is that on Judgment Day, our own judgments against others is the basis on which God intends to judge us.... which definitely puts a new spin on things...

Here's the devotional so you can read it yourself...

So why am I still talking? Because it is necessary for me to first forgive, and then ask forgiveness for my judgments, my instances of hating some people. Even though I thought i was totally justified at the time... another day CANNOT go by without my making things right.

Pre-18 years old:
I do not hate the people who got better grades than me, who were better in sports, who had boyfriends when I did not. I forgive the ones who did wrong to me by making light of my lack of financial aptitude, to the ones who made fun of me for other things, and especially for my 4th grade best friend, for abandoning me by going into a better class... (and she knows what she did in 5th grade, but I don't hate her for that anymore either).

This is really reaching... but I told a lie in kindergarten that someone shoved me and I hit my chin. I am truly sorry for this lie, because I just wanted that boy to get into trouble, which he did. In 7th grade, I did another stupid thing (similar) and my mom was very defensive and got involved. She found me out on that one and I was mortified. So to all of the people involved in these... I'm sorry. I was 100% wrong: Please forgive me.

The original Rainbow Boy truly did wrong against my person. I was confused about it and really focused my hatred of him against members of my own family. I'm sorry for this. And even though what he did was unconsionable... I actually forgive him too. And his parents, as it was really their faults for bringing up a rapist and not bringing up someone more sensitive.

The Farmer Boy and the Boyscout were both casualties after the fact, and it was a confusing time in my life. So to everyone I dated, I forgive you: Please forgive me.

18-30
I met Nelson on my 19th Birthday. He deserves his own category because everything in that period of time was tinted by him: His parents, my parents, our coworkers, our schooling, our neighbors, his depression, my anger and controlling.

To everyone associated with a negative thought or emotion in this period of my life: truly, I am sorry. Coworkers and bosses were a distinct casualty here. And again, I always thought I'd had the best reasons for hate. But hate is tiring. Grudges take up so much energy. So I forgive them, I forgive family and in-laws and classmates and Nelson. I am truly sorry for my part in the reasons that I was angry and held hatred. I humble myself here when I ask for your forgiveness.

> 30

There are a lot of men that I feel tried to use me for my youth, beauty, intelligence, etc. To the ones I simply dated: I never hated you, but certainly was upset when you didn't call back. So I forgive you for that. To the ones who I was in a relationship with: wow... y'all made a huge impact on my life, and though I had a commitment in my sights, neither of you did. I was truly in love, and it hurts to have that taken willingly, but not returned. The only thing left for me to do is to forgive you ... and ask if you can pray for me that I will one day be strong enough to ask forgiveness for my part (my weakness, my faltering, my deep seeded desire to be loved).

Also a number of coworkers have fallen victim to my jabber-jaws... While it's true that I "only" point out things that are true... it's not very nice. And therefore I always question and feel insecure, that someone is judging me the same way... which they probably do, and have. I ask that they would find it in my heart to forgive. Even when I feel wronged.. .maybe they do too.

Funny - I'm listening to the radio, and they're asking parents for advice if they could go back and do it all over. They all said "I'd go back and not be so judgmental"... talk about timing.

Anyways, I'm sorry for the wrong I've done.. and I've done a lot of it. But I would also like to ask for a blanket pardon. And my heart has to be truly in the right place for that pardon. So I humble myself and pray that God, in his wisdom, would allow me to make things right by praying for the situations in question.

The most I can ever hope for is for God to allow me to be forgiven one day. Until then I'll keep trying.

Peace,

Dot.