Strawberry Soda

My old pastor told this story about how women need to believe in themselves, and to take care of themselves. To know that they are special and hold fast to their values, despite men trying to take and take and take from them.

He told a story about how he loves Sprite (tm), but always drinks Diet Coke (tm) in the afternoons, because it's "better for ya". So he put his change in the machine, pushed the D.C. button, and got nothing! He then hit the Sprite button and still nothing! Getting angry, he hit every button on the machine from root-beer to cherry-cola. And guess what popped out? His his favourite soda of all time: Strawberry Soda!!!!

In telling the 2nd story, he tied it to the first by mentioning that his 5 daughters are better than "ordinary" Sprite... they... and all other women... are Strawberry Sodas!

I am not kidding when I say that today, right now, I am wearing a pink t-shirt proclaiming "Strawberry Soda" across the front. He had t-shirts made up that very week.

God is Good, All the Time

and

All the Time, God is Good!

A Big Fat Zero in my Heart

As you may know, I'm a bit of a nerd. At my office, some of my special projects (i.e., the ones that I chose) include computer programming.

It wouldn't hurt to program today, save for the fact that a word that is oft-used in programming, is the same as part of M.W.'s real name. Every time I see that word in a program, my heart hurts a little. Every time I see the word on paper, I fight to stop myself from drawing little hearts around it, like I used to.

So I'm thinking that I should let it go... stop letting my little words get the best of my little broken heart.

Fill me up with zeroes and ones, and set me free!

Coming out of the Dark

Didn't Gloria Estafan have a song that sounded like that? Between last night and this morning... I really wanted to hurt. I wanted to hold on to it and baby it and feel sorry for myself.

I almost laughed when I thought "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie-Pop (tm)?" No really.... How many days does it take to feel like you can go on with your life?

Apparently for me, the magic number is 11.

It will still be a long road of recovery, but for the first time since 11 days ago, I am not faking my attitude. I really believe that it's all gonna be fine.

(and just a little bit, I kinda liked that most everyone is telling me that I deserved better than M.W. -- nice guy... but not nice enough for me).

Thanks, but No...

When was your last real breakup? I think it can be with friends or with partners.... A big fight or just an agreement to not date any longer can precipitate in a whole wealth of feelings that can, at times, be devastating.

Since M.W. and I are no longer together, people are randomly offering to set each of us up with others. Know what? It sucks and it hurts that I can't even have a minute and a half to mourn the loss of my Life's Greatest Love. So far, anyways.

So thanks for the offer, but I'm not interested right now. My best friend is still the one I want to be with, and it's miserable that he doesn't want that fairytale life with me. But... one day at a time, right?

I think he's gotten more offers to be set up than me. But then again, I'm sending off that "I'm miserable" vibe to anyone who pays attention. And it's not a contest. But it does suck.

Thanks for asking.

Dot.

IF only.... or, Lunch in the Park

Met Steffi, a grad-student, for lunch today. She works for Wendell, the same researcher that I intend to work with next year. We talked about anyone and everyone, and slowly, slowly, I'm gaining confidence that I, Dorothy, am not going to be a first-rate disaster in graduate school.

After learning that I am newly single, it was exciting that Steffi touched on the profs that she thought were cute. There's really only one in the whole department that I would agree with, and my neighbor Destiny, says the name sounds like a venerial disease. So for now, he will be known as V.D.

Wendell sent me an email today, for a number of seminars at school, hosted by V.D. himself. It might be interesting to see what happens there.

The Adventures of Botifa Jenkins and Chanterelle Hicks:
Destiny and I have ghetto alter-egos. Botifa and Chanterelle go all over town and get up into everyone's grills. They stay together out on the West side of town, and don't want none of that jiggety goin' on out in the street, mmm-Kay?

Hard Time

Isn't this breakup stuff supposed to get easier with Time? It's been 9 days and there are times that are easier, times that are so much harder.

At least I'm starting to detect a pattern: fine in the AM, sad a lunch, okay in the afternoon, freaking miserable when I come home from work, and generally okay when it's bedtime. I've been chatting with M.W. in the afternoons. We always caught up eachother's days at that time, and it always feels better to talk with him (or is that to "cry at him"?).

We each want to remain friends. But can I handle that right now? Hmmm. I want to remain friends with M.W., but can't imagine getting on with my life, as long as we "matter" more than friends. Can anyone just switch from the Love of your Life to just friends over a weekend? Over a week?

He suggested that I talk with a professional last night. I want to be okay on my own. Ain't that a terrible stigma? To be the girl who can't go through a breakup, without professional help?

You know what? It's hurting this week mostly because of the sad realization that he didn't change his mind. I mean, somewhere along the line, if I'd broken up and broken contact, I believed that he would've pulled much closer and then my dreams would be coming true, instead of crumbling apart now. But the sad reality is that at no point would he have loved me enough to marry me.

One of the things we talked about last night, is that initially, he asked me to live with him in California. I refused because I did not want to be dependent on him, nor live together without being married. Somewhere along the line, I'd decided that living with him would be okay. Then he said "no... if you live together, you're practically married, so what's the difference?"

Know what? Secretly I hope that he moves on and forgets about me except for an occasional phone call. But right now, that is not what I want for me. I want him to fall on his knees and beg me to love him forever.

And it's pretty insulting to my pride, that he never thought of that.

Can I have a hug?

Dot.

Jack Twist (caution! spoilers, adult language and mature themes ensue!)

My ex never wanted to go to the movies. M.W. was always too antsy to keep on moving to watch movies. So I took myself to see Brokeback Mountain tonight. Now before anyone goes off about my seeing that movie, you should be aware that I will not tolerate intolerance; a person is a person and every person has just as much right to be here as you do (except maybe Charles Manson and the like).

Other than the fact that the central characters were two men, it was practically a story out of mine and M.W.s book. Jack Twist was played by Jake Gyllenhaal, and was definitely the more emotional of the two. He drove from Texas to Wyoming every couple of months to see the love of his life, Ennis. He needed Ennis to understand that he could not accept the limited amount of time they got to spend together.

In fact, the two men were crying as they were about to leave one another again. Jack said to Ennis "I wish I could quit you!" and Ennis said "You should just leave and never come back!" as he broke down, crying. Damn. That was almost an exact quote from me and M.W. from a few months back -- I didn't know how to leave, and he didn't know how to let me go.

The quote of the movie was "This is one goddamn bitch of an unsatisfying situation!". I Abso-freaking-lutely Agree! It was one hell of an unsatisfying situation.

The thing that occured to me that that I am not Jack Twist, but also that I need to turn it down a notch; I don't want to live so hard that my life burns right on out.

One more thing about the movie? I don't want M.W. to be alone for the rest of his life, like Ennis was -- he's way too good of a guy to close himself off and not love again.

wamhas, m.w.

Dot.

A Great Joy, A Great Love

M.W. spent the day with me. We laughed and loved eachother, and we shared the joy that was us and the hope of a beautiful friendship. I wanted to cry but it did not happen. It was not too bad to come back into my home and realize that my future starts today.

Ever seen "A Walk In The Clouds" with Keanu Reeves? It's golden. It's beautiful. There is a scene where the married women are stomping the grapes. They are dancing in the vat, the men are watching and everyone is joyous.

It helps me to realize that I not only want a family and a community, but also a great love.

I Didn't Do It

I was going to change my backgound to black. But then I realized that I'm the one with all of the virtues. I'm not the one whose love is not enough.

I AM ENOUGH, DAMMIT!

(next time I forget, can you please remind me?).

The First Rock-Bottom...

I'm a firm believer that there is a finite number of times when you can hit rock-bottom in your life. Whether it be with family, friends, relationships, working too much, drugs or booze... everyone faces a low point eventually.

My personal worst was something I have never talked about, and never will. But I know it happened, and I know how to stop from having it happen again. There have been other rock-bottoms. Break-ups with men I loved, losing an opportunity for a cool job, and especially family conflicts.

Even though I broke up with M.W. almost a week ago, I just hit the first rock-bottom. As I sit here and type, I can feel the first bounce. What happened? Crying, feeling like there is no love in the universe that can turn my heart and soul any colour beyond black, and generally convincing myself that I'm a worthless human being.

M.W. is an okay guy. I thought he was the love of my life. But he was not the best boyfriend. Babs told me this morning, that he's at the same stage in life as her -- kids are grown, and all that's left is to finish working, enjoy the grandkids and then die. I'm angry with M.W. for convincing me that he wanted to make a life with me, and then go and change his mind.

But then, I also knew that he was 23 years older than me, and he would be looking for someone to keep him warm, not someone to make a life and a future with. (Although I saw Kenny Rogers on TV the other day -- at 67 years old, his wife, 25, just gave birth to twins and he's happier than ever. Bastard!).

So What are the stages of grief? And What can I do to feel normal again?

Denial -- The "No, Not Me" Stage

Anger/ Resentment -- The "Why Me?" Stage

Bargaining -- The "If I do this, You'll do that" Stage

Depression -- The "It Really Happened" Stage

Acceptance -- The "This is What Happened" Stage

I do believe that one could make the arguement that I was in Denial for the past year, with the Anger/Resentment stage coming into play for a least the past 6 months. On and off, the Bargaining would join those, but really hit a crecendo since the Holidays.

Now I'm all the way to depression. Yippy-doo.

The Year of Redefining Us...

Some would say that it is impossible to remain friends with the former love of your life. I say that it's a necessity... especially when that man is my best friend in the world.

I've made mention of my sheer relief that this relationship part is over? Seirously, when we chatted the other day, I told him what I thought of his boyfriend skills (crappy) and that I really appreciated his friendship (enormously).

Every year that we have been together, there has been a name for that year, for us. The first year was before we'd divorced. It was called the "Year of Disengagement". For a number of reasons, we both felt the need to take the year to disengage from our feelings of angst regarding our then soon-to-be-exs. Last year was the "Year of Growing Closer" and that we did, both in time and in space. This year was tagged as the "Year of Finding Out"... which we alread did, so an addendum on that is the "Year of Redefining Us". From lovers to friends.

I know the statistics and I know the facts. And I still want him to be my friend. Trust me: it's much better this way.

Grace and Mercy, I tell ya!

I work with a slew of men who all have the same name. Like seriously, 4 of them. Today, we'll talk about the one I call "L" (as opposed to Dub, Mr. Warden, Sir!, and Austin).

Apparently I've been pretty nasty to L lately. He came into my office after I made a few snide remarks (at the time, I thought they were funny). L asked why I've been "busting his chops" lately. Huh???

So I apologized and realized that I'm approaching man-hating mode since my breakup with M.W. last Saturday. Then I wrote him an email apology telling him that my life has taken a weird turn lately and I'm sorry for not being nicer.

Ahh, the Grace! The Mercy!
His response to my email was:

"thanks for being humble. i was a little anxious about talking to you about it. i've noticed the comments a few times lately. hope i haven't said anything too mean, i'm not good on quick comebacks.

so, It's All Good. i'll buy you coffee at the new coffee place on 10th st.
jl"

It Hurts, Dammit!

Somewhere Only We Know by Keane

I walked across an empty land
I knew the pathway like the back of my hand
I felt the earth beneath my feet
Sat by the river and it made me complete

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin

I came across a fallen tree
I felt the branches of it looking at me
Is this the place we used to love?
Is this the place that I've been dreaming of?

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
And if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?

This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?
[break]

Oh simple thing where have you gone
I'm getting old and I need something to rely on
So tell me when you're gonna let me in
I'm getting tired and I need somewhere to begin
So if you have a minute why don't we go
Talk about it somewhere only we know?
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
So why don't we go
This could be the end of everything
So why don't we go
Somewhere only we know?

How Do I Make the Pain Stop?

I really miss M.W., but we didn't want the same things out of life. The thing I said to him when I broke up, was "Call me if you ever change your mind about us." That was Saturday night. The last thing we decided, was to be friends, call eachother, see one-another occasionally.

He is calling me as much as, or more often, than before. Funny that's all I wanted from him at the start of [the breakup] discussion. Why does it hurt so much to have him reach out, to have him open his heart to the pain, to be more sensitive? Because that's what I wanted!!!!! Now it's mine and I've broken up with him.

We decided to be friends, but with what boundaries? I can't let him comfort me, and I don't believe I have the strength to comfort him. We can't go on dates with our friends. Not yet, at least. My head is swimming with what I can only discribe as the pain of letting go. The longer it's drawn out, the longer it will hurt.

Heavenly Father,

I still do love M.W. Help me to resolve that with the fact that I had reasons to make the break. Give me strength and healing, because I can't do this on my own.

IJNIP, Amen.

How Many Times?

My mom asked me recently "How many times will you have to start over?" Did she mean in love? In life? Both, probably.

Each time, I ended up with more than the last. Each time, financially and emotionally, I've been better off. And each time I lose all of my financial gains, my job, my friends, or my home, valuable lessons are learned.

Just this morning, the Purpose Driven Life (tm) devotional filtered its way into my in-box. The writer said:

"So how do you know if you are dealing in the success of God’s power? You are at risk; you are Johnny on the spot; you are way over your head; you are not completely sure what you are doing; you are acutely aware of your own weaknesses; you have ventured into a place where, if God doesn’t show up, you are a dead duck. Believe it or not, this is what the Bible calls: “walking in the Spirit.” (Don’t you love it?)"

So I guess that this time, along with every other time... I've been walking in the spirit.

Yay God.

This is the End of the Innocence

The world can be an ugly place. Gangs, robbers, purse-snatchers, bums on drugs, liars, and cheaters. Alternately, people can be full of grace.

Grace, as you know, is unexpected, undeserved mercy or favor. Sometimes humans can be full of rotton intent, and sometimes you see someone so full of grace... and you know that you never did anything to deserve it.

I ended a 2-year dating relationship yesterday. However, the 3 years of friendship that accompanied my knowing M.W. goes on. His concern for my safety helped me to not be afraid to leave Nelson, my ex, when I was in danger. His knowledge of the horror of common man helped me to show respect to myself when I did not have the strength to treat myself right. And the grace that he had in handling my broken heart, the "out" that I needed so I could follow my dreams instead of my heart... well that takes the cake. He is and will always be one of the most awesome people I've had the priveledge of knowing. I love him and hate that it did not work out on his part.

But our friendship lives on. In the next several months, I'm sure it will take a number of forms. I can't help but hope that he will soften his heart and allow himself to love vulnerably, to allow himself to need. And it doesn't even have to be me (although I want it to be).

M.W. sent me a note this morning that said although we never forget our first love... there is something so special and memorable about a first adult relationship. Do you know that we never fought? Sure we had disagreements, we had discussions. But we never yelled, hit, threw things or swore at eachother.

Frankly, I don't think I'll be fit for dating, for a long time. But if M.W. never changes his mind, if I do go on to love another (today, that feat seems highly unlikely), then M.W. set the bar so high, that I'm afraid no one else could hope to live up to the standards I look for, in my partner.

My heart is screaming. I'm so sad. But this is the way it had to be.

Damn it.

Hole Hearted by Extreme

This song called "Hole Hearted" is by Extreme. It's another favorite (listen to it pls).

Life’s ambition occupies my time
Priorities confuse the mind
Happiness one step behind
This inner peace I’ve yet to find

Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I’m not blind why can’t I see
That a circle can’t fit
Where a square should be

There’s a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can’t be filled with the things I do
Hole hearted
Hole hearted

This heart of stone is where I hide
These feet of clay kept warm inside
Day by day less satisfied
Not fade away before I die

Rivers flow into the sea
Yet even the sea is not so full of me
If I’m not blind why can’t I see
That a circle can’t fit
Where a square should be

There’s a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can’t be filled with the things I do
There’s a hole in my heart
That can only be filled by you
And this hole in my heart
Can’t be filled with the things I do

Hole hearted
Hole hearted
Hole hearted
Hole hearted

Guess How I Feel?

Michael Bolton's How am I Supposed To Live Without You

"So tell me how am I supposed to live without you
now that I've been loving you so long?

Tell me how am I supposed to live without you
and how am I supposed to carry on
when all that I've been living for is gone?"

How do I feel? Shitty.

Why, you ask? Because I broke up with M.W. tonight, and it was like ripping my beating bloodied heart out by the arteries.

But why, you ask? Nothing. Everything. Mostly because he's an older man who doesn't want any of the idealized things connected to Love, that us youngsters do.

What next? Dunno. I still love him WAMHAS. Probably always will. But I had to show a little respect to the things I want out of life (marriage, family, partnership, happiness, relaxation at times, family vacations, unadulterated love, travel, no fear to love).

Son of a bitch... what the bloody hell am I supposed to do now?

(I'm not)... Strong Enough

By Sheryl Crow

God, I feel like hell tonight
Tears of rage I cannot fight
I’d be the last to help you understand
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Nothing’s true and nothing’s right
So let me be alone tonight
Cause you can’t change the way I am
Are you strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

I have a face I cannot show
I make the rules up as I go
It’s try and love me if you can
Are you strong enough to be my man?

When I’ve shown you that I just don’t care
When I’m throwing punches in the air
When I’m broken down and I can’t stand
Will you be strong enough to be my man?

Lie to me
I promise I’ll believe
Lie to me
But please don’t leave

Sigh of Relief: Full Funding

I went to my new college last week, for some schmoozing and learning about research and funding opportunities for my graduate work. It's the same university that M.W. attended, so he's really proud of my accomplishments and especially my opportunities.

Lots of good food, somewhat boring presentations, and super-socializing rendered me with an opportunity for full funding for my entire graduate school career! The project is something I believe in, it's ecologically sound, and something about which I am proud to be a part.

Even with all of this good news, my nerves have been getting the best of me lately. Like super-acid-stomach. Bleh. I could barf. (Maybe that was my St. Patrick's Day Festivities?).

M.W. was so awesome and told me that I should not worry because -- that's why I'm going to school... so I can learn everything. He said that if I knew it all, I wouldn't need to go to school. My prof.-mentor, Lawrence, sent me an email this week too. He also said "Don't worry that you don't know it all yet... that's why you're going to school."

Sigh. Thanks guys. I needed that.

Peace out.

Dot.

Tuesday Night TV Watchin'... two weeks later

So Destiny and I went to Babs' house a couple of weeks ago, on invite, for din-din and some "Idol" watchin'. Although I love music, really crappy music from amateurs makes me sad and pestilent. Seriously, I said pestilent and that's what I mean!

Denver was there. He wears red cowboy boots with his dress slacks. A serious case of Mid-Life Crisis, Denver refers to his look as (and I swear to God that I'm not kidding): Tex in the City.

Not sure why Denver was invited, as Babs had told us the previous Thursday, that Denver oogled all the girls at the office, and that he thought he was a self-proclaimed "Chick Magnet". Groan. So Denver brought wine, which I can't ever turn down because it's tasty nectar.

This stuff was like pop-n-booze. You know: Soda-Pop mixed with Booze. A sparkling Australian Shiraz. Not sure I'd drink it again, as it fairly screamed "Boons Farm". After my first glass was finished, I noticed Denver was filling my glass without asking. RED FLAG WARNING! And then he told Destiny that he was going to sit down next to the "Cute Young Girls" (her and me). RED FLAG WARNING!

Suffice it to say that I was not impressed at all, with Denver's antics. At work in the past two weeks, I've ignored him as much as possible. He tried to bring up a topic that he heard about from someone else (essentially, a coworker inappropriately hit me in the arm, and I had expressed how I did not like it), and then asked if he could do the same to me. RED FLAG WARNING! So now I'm in full ignorning mode, and I'm also pissed off at him.

BTW... Babs is undergoing surgery in another two weeks. TWO WEEKS, you say? Yes, I did say. Apparently the cancer is either too bad or not too bad, that the doctor is confident she can wait 6 weeks from the time of detection until the surgery. I'm sick over it.

Laundromat Adventures: the Absentee Adventure

My upstairs neighbor (Dan, not my good friend Destiny), is an artist. Shall I say artiste'? The man looks like a thug, and only works to support his art. To be honest, I've seen his art in several Nordstrom's stores around the state, and never even knew it was someone who lived in my same house! He's not bad. Not bad at all, if you like the Skulls-n-Roses style.

But as I said, Dan looks like a thug. So it came as no surprise when Destiny and I were having cocktails out on the back balcony, that Dan came out on his side, and started telling us a story. He goes to the same Fluff-n-Fold about which I always blather on. Essentially, he was smoking out in front and the cops screeched into the parking lot and threw him up against a wall and searched him.

Destiny and I looked at eachother and tried not to laugh. If I were a cop, I would search Dan just on principle. Seriously. The man is 38 years old, lives with a woman who is not his girlfriend, to save on rent. His girlfriend is needier than even me... and he drinks and smokes like it's going out of style. He wears a beany-hat, even in the summer. Looks as though he's had a hard life.

So why is he always getting "unjustly" critisized? His appearance, the things he does, the company he keeps. I find it hard to believe that he is being wrongfully profiled. My Daddy always used to say that it it looks like cow $4!t and smells like cow $4!t .... then you'd better not step in it!

Laundromat Adventures: The $3 Jacket

Life down at the local Fluff-n-Fold is invariably predictable. The working folks come in and out, the homeless folks seem to stick around for a longer period of time.

I've become a bit uncomfortable sitting there on a weekday afternoon, amongst the homeless folks. Don't think that I haven't gone through my stages of trying to talk to them... because I have. But there are a number of things that I can't get past: namely that they are homeless because of their mental state. Someone will seem a glimmer of normal and then WHAM... "Yes, Ma'am... I'm selling my jacket for $3.. I'm on a program, but I really want a beer". The old nearly homeless dude next to me asked if he "had Jesus" and they spouted on about the good Lord, then gave the drunk a $10 bill and said "bring me the change... you'll need your coat."

It's not as hard as it used to be, to ignore these people. I believe they have a right to be there... but I can't let myself be taken in. As I was leaving, the old dude started saying to me "You're beautiful... just gorgeous.... man... so beautiful".

I sat in my car and cried.

Cat. 5 Kat

Many of my friends worked for the National Weather Service (often referred to in this blog as "the feds", "the government", "the weather service", "NOAA", and "NWS") in the Gulf Coast region. While Hurricane Katrina was not actually a Cat. 5 storm on the Saffir-Simpson scale, it's effects were lasting and devistating.

Phillip from Slidell, sent pictures recently. The distruction was nearly complete. They don't get their postal mail yet. Like, when was the last time you didn't get your postal mail? MLK day? President's Day? They haven't gotten mail since September of 2005!

I'm watching an episode of Trading Spaces where some couples from New Orleans are trading houses, to help eachother "get back to normal". It's along the coast, not in the city. Whole neighborhoods have been bulldozed. Thousands and thousands of homes are gone, and people are writing notes to their friends and family in spray-paint, on the cement slabs where their houses used to be.

Something that I always go on about in my city, is the need for outreach to the homeless. People from N.O. are still homeless too. Let's think of them and give them a helping hand if we can.

Peace.
Dot.

Thursday Night TV Watchin': Crossroads of Change

Andie went with me this past Thursday, to spend the evening with Babs. M.W. and I bought Babs a jade and silver cross necklace, to constantly remind her of her faith, of our never-ending prayers, and that the Lord is always watching over her. Babs started crying when she opened the box with the cross in it; she lived in Okinawa for 3 years while her ex was in the military. She worked in a jewelry store that specialized in jade.

I'm always in the mood for Italian food, so we ordered my fave takeout place in town. Not cheap, but I ate the remainder of the leftovers tonight, and it was totally awesome! (dude). Babs and Andie loved it too. So we ate, then watched Idol, then Skating with the Stars. Then we played Scattergories (tm) and brushed the dogs "Sister" and "Bella".

The current prognosis is that Babs has a very invasive cancer, and requires a mastectomy. She's postponed this surgery twice and it might be a few more weeks until she actually has any work done. Since the cancer is incredibly invasive, I'm not sure about her goal -- like, what the HELL is she thinking?

But it's not me. And all I can do is pray for her and be there. And ask for your prayers for the lot of us.

Peace.
Dot.