Love Songs

I love to sing, especially when I'm distraught and sad.

My Ex was especially hateful that I would only sing sad songs. Funny that I was almost always sad when I was with him. Hmm.

These slow and sad-slash-melancholoy songs just get running through my soul and it's hard to resist the temptation to just belt it out.

For instance:

Reo Speedwagon's Here With Me

Natasha Bedingfield's These Words

Trisha Yearwood's The Song Remembers When

and others...

What are some of your favourites?

Birthday wishes.

We met with friends last night to attend Cirque' du Soliel's "Corteo" show in San Jose. It was marvelous; I recommend it to everyone.

M.W. flew back East this morning, as scheduled. At 4 AM, he woke up, packed, shaved, talked with me briefly and kissed me goodbye. I wasn't sleeping, because according to Eastern Standard Time, it was my birthday minute, and my sister and mom always call to wish me a happy one.

I slept in and got ready for church alone. M.W.'s church. Everyone there loves me. I picked up his daughter, Kiki, and we sat together at church, talked to everyone, and gave tons of hugs. I like that about the people he knows.

So this afternoon, I went on a bike ride (new bike!) and I'm exhausted. And I'm 33, and I want to have a life-partner, a soul-mate, a business-partner, a lover, a and confidant who feels the same about me.

That's not to much to ask for my birthday. That's what I want this year!

Happy Birthday today to Jayleigh

A little Threatened, and a little Jealous....

There's this website called "RateMyProfessor".com Since M.W. is a professor in his spare time, he is also rated. With only three ratings, everyone seems to be loving his classes. He's so excited when they give good comments.

My problem? There is a "just for fun" hotness factor that the students can enter about the appearance of said prof. Two of the girls called him cute, or a "cute little man"... which he is. It makes him happy to think that other people (was going to say women, but maybe it's men?) think he's cute, smart, etc. He is.

There was a time when all he cared about was whether I thought he was cute, smart, etc. He always called it "showing off for my girlfriend". Am I wrong to feel a little threatened? It's like I am losing his attention. I loved it when I was his focus and he would rush back from class on his break to tell he he loved me via phone.

Topic #2:
I'm jealous of all couples in a long-term relationship. I'm unusual, but definitely the marrying sort of girl. If, after two years of dating, my boyfriend turns out to be the not-marrying sort of guy... shouldn't I just give up? He won't change, will he?

Dot.

A Word about M.W.

Sweet M.W., my dear and loving best friend and boyfriend.
Trustworthy through and through.
Always patient, never let's me down.
Nice, kind, clever, smart.

Happy Birthday darling. I love you.

-- Dorothy.

Dorothy Pan: Girl who never grew up....

It just struck me that most of us grow up and grow into our responsibilities. We forget about our dreams and make new ones -- some realized and some not. It's a pretty good life for most. They have loved ones, family, friends, and generally do their best to be happy in life, before their time is over.

I've always thought of myself as "different". Even as a little one, I felt the rules didn't apply to me. Gosh-darn it, I know I sound arrogant... but I always have felt different. My little-girl dreams never faded. When I felt like an old married maid, when I was fat and miserable... even then, the dreams were there, hot as ever.

Through the separation and divorce, things were pretty ugly, but I still had those dreams and started to realize that I was actually making progress!!! Me, Making Progress!!!

That hope in and of itself is fulfilling and content. And it makes me want to work harder than ever to become what He wants me to become. It's just another level, I know... because this feeling has been here before. It's a mix of encouragement to continue and a pat on the back, too.

Maybe it's not the girl who never grew up, so much as the one who always hoped, dared to dream, and waited her turn for "her time"?

Grin.

Birthday Games

Mister Wonderful is taking me to San Diego for the weekend of our birthdays. It's not for several days yet, so while we have eachother's gifts in hand... neither one knows what their gift is, and neither one will receive said gift until the day of the birthday.

Okay... okay... I know that he got me a new bicycle. A Giant Cypress. But he won't let me have it. [stomp!] Not yet. So it was raining the other night and he said that my new bike was on his front porch getting wet. The next day, there was an earthquake and he said it got crushed in the rubble (only a 3.2, folks). Today he said that wolves were tearing it apart with their bare teeth.

(before anyone gets concerned about our relationship... know that we really tease eachother in good nature. I laughed so hard about what happened next, I'm still filled with glee).

And then... he sent me a picture of a rusty broken-down bike without wheels. The caption said "All that's left" So I sent him a picture of a cowpie with mushrooms growing on it. The caption said "Yours". His reply was a picture of an explosion exclaiming "Oops". Mine was an artist's rendering of the big bang. His was a rendering of a black hole. And then I won: a photograph of this woman that tried to get him fired once at work, simply because she disagreed with his viewpoints.

Truth: I googled her but didn't find a picture. But damn... I'd have "won" had I found the piccy.

Anyways, M.W. makes me so full of joy! He has a zest for life that can't be put under a bushel (no!).

Peace,

dot.

Infinite Loop

The new cutie from modeling came by my office this afternoon, to chat. I wanted to let him know that I am not available, and intended to throw in a little comment about "my boyfriend".

Oh shit.
I got stuck in an infinite loop of "my boyfriend" this and "my boyfriend" that. While managing to look like a complete idiot, I probably also lost all professional credibility as well.

Somebody pass the pitcher of 'ritas and put me out of my misery!

Dot.

Lucky 13.

When I was a kid, it was impossible to ignore the childish superstition of some people. They were incorrigible and would always go on and on about Friday the 13th. Watch the movies, alter their plans and generally make everyone else fear for bad stuff.

In 4th Grade, the family drove to see Grampa Strap in South Carolina. I came home and told Daddy that Trevor pointed out that we were leaving on Friday the 13th, for our trip. Dad smiled and laughed and said "Don't you know that Friday the 13th is our Lucky Day???"

Okay, I know it's reverse psychology... but Daddy never lies. So... good luck today, friends! I wanna hear about all the good stuff that happens, the unexpected blessings, and all-out praises!

I'll start: David Gray is one of the most talented musicians ever, and I'm humbled to have been able to wake up to him this morning.

Brrr! and Being Too Busy for Baggage

Brrr.

First off... I've always loved 50 degrees in the wintertime.... it's balmy compared to the 10 degrees in Most of Michigan. But today, in California, I just can't take it anymore! I don't want to wear my coat, I'm tired of the clouds, and generally, I NEED A BREAK FROM THE DREARY! Therefore, and ergo, I am going to San Diego to spend my Birthday in a few weeks.

Too Busy for Baggage.
In my rather normal and pedestrian life thus far, a marriage came and went. Once upon a time, it was the Love of my Life. Then I realized that my standards were too low. In the "getting rid of him" phase, I ended up talking to tons and tons of people... colleagues really... but people with whom I work, associate with on a professional level, and generally hold a lot of common interest. Knowing the scientific business which I'm in... they were all men. And they all wanted to get to Know Me Better (at the time, I was a PWSKB).

Now that I'm out of that, happy on my own, and in a lovely new relationship (of two years already -- two years!!!!) I've been slaying dragons left and right. Everywhere I went, I'd see someone who wanted to get to know me better... A phone call, an email. Think about how that would put the breaks on a burgeoning relationship?

Someone emailed me two nights ago, and again last night. He was a bit of a problem to get out of my life, because we knew eachother in reality, worked together for 3 years. I hate how people like him waste my time trying to get my damn attention! (sidebar: this is someone who I know to be religious, a Christian, and I always used that fact to remain close with him. Now I feel as though the evil one is using him to try to make me feel guilty for not paying attention to an old friend who in reality just wants to get into my pants).

That makes me feel yucky -- that I'm starting to see that the evil one uses even Good and even things of God for the purpose of bad. By the same token, God takes that baggage for me, slays my dragons, and gives me wonderful days and beautiful skylines, and trips to the coast, and... ain't I just the luckiest girl?

Thanks Jesus, for duckies!!! (I learned this from Jayleigh -- hope she talked about it on her blog, because it's the funniest and coolest thing, ever).

Peace out.

Dot.

P.S.... about the "Not Quite Homeless"...

Something which I didn't mention in my post the other day... Not about the homeless... but those poverty-stricken families and individuals that are working their asses off to provide for themselves and still don't have two nickels to rub together.

Today I went to the doctor. Not just the ordinary doc... the "Annual Visit with the Crotch Doc". Sorry to be gross. It's just that I, like every woman, everywhere, HATES IT! Anyways, there was a mix of people there -- some pregnant, some post-menapausal, some wealthy, some poor. The woman in front of me had a copay that was more than twice what mine is. My yearly income is probably 4 times what hers is.

AHHHH THE HUMANITY!!!!
So that's the latest incident that makes me feel actually guilty for having worked hard, done a good job in college, and now have great insurance and great benefits. Guilty why? Because it's not fair! I can afford more, and yet I pay less. Those that pay more can afford it even less.

You may wonder what I'm doing about this latest thing that angers my soul: 1) I make a monthly donation to a women's health clinic and 2) I'm going to contact them tomorrow, about volunteering weekly.

That's the scoop for today, kids.

Peace.
Dot.

Robbed!

Some of you know all too well how I feel: completely robbed that you had to grow up without grandparents. Those that have them can be completely oblivious. Those of us who don't, feel the empty ache of never knowing part of themselves. Robbed of parts of our past, that we'll never know.

I'm listening to an audio-book where the protagonist is a woman whose best friend is her grandmother. It makes me ache that I can't ever talk to my Grammas like that. Mine were gone when I was a little girl. No one to share girl-talk with... no one to give the little tid-bits about dates that I had. And never knowing if you were able to make them proud by the way you lived your life.

Let's face it: few of us can talk to our moms like we talk to an aunt or grandmother. Moms are just too close to our lives.....

One day, I'll name my daughter after my great grandmonther on my Dad's dad's side. Until that time, I'll remember Granny-Great, and Gramma Harriet Hubbard and Gramma Shirley "Strap" and wonder what they'd have told me about my life....

Happy New Year struggles with People Who Should Know Better

Lil' Kim came over for the New Year holiday. Nuff said? Not really. She's got a heart of gold, and sometimes, the attitude of a 12-year-0ld. As a woman who hasn't and probably never will have children (not by choice, mind you), doesn't deal well with parenting People Who Should Know Better (PWSKB).

Perhaps I didn't need to make an acronym of that, but that's really where 99% of the trouble in my life is generated -- from PWSKB! Think about it... bet it's the same for most of you, too (wink).

Another PWSKB:
Someone who is socially awkward and was a great friend to me when I needed one... invited me to Easter brunch. Um... a little early? A bit not appropriate? A lot bad timing? Excessivly inconsiderate, given that I'm a couple? Yes times 4. Sigh. Growl. Burp. Hehe. Damn.

Here's the thing: more than anything, I'm annoyed that in this case, the invite did not include my S.O. given that he's an important part of my life. I'm not so naive as to believe that the solo invite was not purposeful. In fact, I'm sure it was. It just ****ing HURTS that someone who was once considered my best friend makes these plays for some attention, emotion, friendship, love.... and they don't give a damn consideration to the party of the second part!

Cool it:
Ohmmmmm..... Ohmmmmmm..... Deep Breath. I want Pancakes.

Time for breakfast. Wonder who's servin' today?

Peace, Love, and Happy New Year.

Dot.