Dorothy's Song

Okay, it's really Simon and Garfunkle's "Kathy's Song"... but it's my song today...

I hear the drizzle of the rain
Like a memory it falls
Soft and warm continuing
Tapping on my roof and walls

My mind's distracted and confused
My thoughts are many miles away
They lie with you when you're asleep
Kiss you when you start the day

And as I watch the drops of rain
Weave their weary paths and die
I know that I am like the rain
There before the grace of you go I

A Girl Can Only Hope.... Can't She?

Come monday
By: jimmy buffett
1974

Headin’ up to san francisco
For the labor day week-end show
I’ve got my hush-puppies on
I guess I never was meant for glitter rock and roll
And honey I didn’t know
That I’d be missin’ you so

Chorus:
Come monday, it’ll be all right
Come monday, I’ll be holdin’ you tight
I spent four lonely days in a brown l. a. haze
And I just want you back by my side

Yes, it’s been quite a summer
Rent-a-cars and west-bound trains
And now you’re off on vacation
Somethin’ you tried to explain
And darlin’, since I love you so
That’s the reason I just let you go

Chorus:
Come monday, it’ll be all right
Come monday, I’ll be holdin’ you tight
I spent four lonely days in a brown l. a. haze
And I just want you back by my side

I can’t help it honey
You’re that much a part of me now
Remember that night in montana
When we said there’d be no room for doubt
I hope you’re enjoyin’ the scen’ry
I know that it’s pretty up there
We can go hikin’ on tuesday
With you I’d walk anywhere
California has worn me quite thin
I just can’t wait to see you again

Chorus:
Come monday, it’ll be all right
Come monday, I’ll be holdin’ you tight
I spent four lonely days in a brown l. a. haze
And I just want you back by my side!

Baby, I love you... you know...

My head spins and swims.

What am I supposed to be doing? Feeling? Thinking?
How does one deal with having their heart ripped out
still beating and bloody?

Why wouldn't I agree to anything that would turn his
mind back to me?

But alas, that is not the answer here. Things have to
work out the way they have to... and on their own,
with only effort -- NOT FORCE -- on our parts.

Sigh.

So M.W. (and you know that I still think you are wonderful)...
here's lookin' at you, kid:

"I still believe in you" by Vince Gill

Everybody wants a little piece of my time
But still I put you at the end of the line
How it breaks my heart to cause you this pain
To see the tears you cry fallin’ like rain
Give me the chance to prove
And I’ll make it up to you

I still believe in you
With a love that will always be
Standing so strong and true
Baby I still believe in you and me

Somewhere along the way,
I guess I just lost track
Only thinkin’ of myself never lookin’
back
For all the times I’ve hurt you, I apologize
I’m sorry it took so long to finally realize
Give me the chance to prove
That nothing’s worth losing you

I still believe in you
With a love that will always be
Standing so strong and true
Baby I still believe in you and me

Looking forward -- Looking back

Remember my very first post, back in 11-2003? I think I said something about getting sleep and finally eating. Heh. I slept this morning and it was great. Working out is the next step, then food. Somehow, I got to my bed today. But there is no recollection of it. Didn't even wear earplugs... that's a first.

Anyways, told my Life Group about M.W. taking some space, and they were so supportive. Everyone said it was so good that we prayed about it together, and if it was God's will, things would work out. While it's so hard to give your troubles to God... with my friends at my side, they forcibly took my troubles away from me today. It was wonderful of them, and I feel marginally better.

So what's in the mix for me? Yes, I'll have a single-scoop of coffee ice-cream, mixed with toasted almonds, caramel, and pieces of Heath (tm) bar. Yes, in a chocolate-coated waffle cone. Yes, with marshmallows in the bottom. Mmm-hmm.... I'll have it all.... and I won't sacrifice everything to get it. Things will work out for me just fine.

It shouldn't be hard to believe that I'm learning the advantages of brisk walking...or....

"Ready To Run"

When the train rolls by
I'm gonna be ready this time
When the boy gets that look in his eye
I'm gonna be ready this time
When my momma says I look good in white
I'm gonna be ready this time
Oh yeah

Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love?

I feel the wind blow through my hair
I'm gonna be ready this time
I'll buy a ticket to anywhere
I'm gonna be ready this time
You see it feels like I'm starting to care
And I'm going to be ready this time
Oh yeah

Ready, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love
I'm ready to run...I'm ready to run
OhReady, ready, ready, ready...ready to run
All I'm ready to do is have some fun
What's all this talk about love?

Say it! Write it! Tell it!

In my own current state of emotional stifling.... I can't remember what I ate as a snack last hour.... let alone what you may have told me about me, you, or your life. Therefore, I'm going into "written proof" mode for the time being.

I was asked to look up something on my computer, and I forgot twice. Lost the list of my "to-do" items, and even forgot M.W.'s phone-number today. It's amazing how much performance is lost in the human brain, when it's stressed beyond capacity.

So if you tell me something that you want me to remember tomorrow... take it easy on my short-term memory, and send a follow-up email. If it's important, send two emails. If you want a response, say so...

Sorry peeps. My life spinned wackily out of sorts and the next month ain't lookin' so hot, either.

Love vs. Hate

What I need, what you need:
Hugs vs. a Good Slap

What I've done, what you've done:
Knowing Thyself vs. Breaking Your Girlfriend's Heart

What neither of us are doing, what both of us are doing:
Laughing vs. Crying

What I'm doing, what you're doing:
Living a Life vs. Working Yourself to Death

What I did and you're now doing, what you did and I'm now doing:
Taking the Time vs. Ignoring the Problem

I hate, I love:
Me vs. You.

Time For Me to Fly

Okay, I've gotten into the habit of naming my posts, with song titles. So sue me. Not really. Please don't, actually.

Itchy Feet...
But I did find out that I got a job in California, so I'll be moving out there next month. So then I'll really not be in Kansas anymore. It seems my whole blog about not being in Kansas, had something to do with stepping out of my comfort zone. I came to "Kansas" via Michigan... and now that I'm leaving, I feel like it's going to be missed.

Sigh.

California does not hold as much for me today, as it did yesterday. How does one hold on, whilst letting go? How can you support your best friend on planet Earth, whilst allowing them to work through their problems and issues? How do you not interfere? How do I, for that matter?

I met a man yesterday, who had such a so-so attitude about the world. Very knowledgable, very interesting to talk to... but it seemed like his life lacked passion. My life does not lack passion. It fairly springs forth with passion. Yet I am starting to think that my passion is taking some of life away from me, because others either can not live that level of life, or else that it's hella intimidating.

You Say Goodbye... and I say Hello....

Artist : Foo Fighters Song : Best Of You

Lyrics :
I’ve got another confession to make
I’m your fool
Everyone’s got their chains to break
Holdin’ you

Were you born to resist or be abused?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Are you gone and onto someone new?

I needed somewhere to hang my head
Without your noose
You gave me something that I didn’t have
But had no use
I was too weak to give in
Too strong to lose
My heart is under arrest again
But I break loose
My head is giving me life or death
But I can’t choose
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you mustConfess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...
Oh...Oh...Oh...Oh...
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
The life, the love
You die to heal
The hope that starts
The broken hearts
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?

I’ve got another confession my friend
I’m no fool
I’m getting tired of starting again
Somewhere new
Were you born to resist or be abused?
I swear I’ll never give in
I refuse

Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Has someone taken your faith?
Its real, the pain you feel
You trust, you must
Confess
Is someone getting the best, the best, the best, the best of you?
Oh...

It just fills my heart....

I woke up at 4AM on account of because I'm still on Central Daylight Saving Time. However, that allowed me to watch the sun rise over Mission Peak, which is directly outside of my window this morning.

Yesterday, I flew (drove real fast) from Chico, back to San Francisco to pick up Mister Wonderful, and his 25 y/o daughter, Kiki, back out to Modesto for a party, then back to the Bay Area... all in one day! Phew!

The party was great, and we both won door prizes! Our friends are fantastic hosts... it was "Vegas Night" and we enjoyed roulette and black jack. We knew no one except for the hosts, and it was still an awesome evening spent with one-another.

I can't seem to stay awake here... switching shifts is nothing new to me. But Jet Lag? I just can't get past it... two darn hours, and I can't stay awake past 10 PM out here, yet.

Hello...
It has recently come to my attention that I am no longer the only one reading my blog. Hey-ya to all y'all!

Today's Installment of the Ex Files: The Emotional Retard

My ex was emotionally retarded. My former sister-in-law always said that he "did not have an adequate emotional vocabulary to verbalize his needs"... but I say he was an emotional retard.

You may know the type: Capable of the "primary colours" of emotion -- not Blue, Yellow, Red, but Happy, Sad, Angry... Incapable of verbalizing Purple, Green and Orange -- that's Melancholoy, Frustration, or even Elation.

Today, I drove to Lake Tahoe. With lots of time to think, I though of how his emotionally stunted growth really held me back in my young adulthood. Making up for it now with spades, and mucho apologies... yeesh... too many apologies.

One of the things I am searching for in my life, is acceptance. I think it would be really nice if, instead of saying hello to my boyfriend tomorrow, we can exchange greetings of "You're just perfect the way you are"... and take it from there.

Acceptance, by the by, is coloured light green, with yellow polka dots.

Mares Tales

Somewhere Between....

Between Sacramento and Chico...
Between Chico and San Francisco...
Between the Coastal Range, and the Sierra Nevadas...
Between then and Now...
Between Now and Never...

One of my longest-wanted dreams came true today.
Since the day I began working as a meteorologist, I learned that California was a very important place. Not only to forecasting, but to businesses. Crops, air quality, air planes, ships, vacationers, and sea lions.

So I've wanted to drive up the North Valley... but today is the first time that I ever did. For five years, and yet today... I did it. The opportunity was mine, and I took it.

Take a look:

Sutter Buttes, Clouds, A volcano, and more

Traveling to Chico

Keeping Up Appearances: one for the Ex Files...

One of the things that M.W. and I had in common with our first marriages, was that our spouses insisted on keeping up appearances. Not the kind of "we just had a fight, but it's alright now" appearance, but rather, the "By God, you'll act like we're happy, so that the neighbors won't think that yelling and screaming is because you just told me you are unhappy in our marriage, and for that matter, you'll BE happy, because I won't have the neighbor's... or my mother... look at me like I'm going to get a divorce" appeearance. That pissed us both off, in our previous lives.

I was reminded of this tonight, when M.W. said he didn't want other people to misread something I wanted from him... Well, to be honest, he didn't want me to misread it either... but he didn't say that until I pressed him on it. It strikes me that even though we have very open communication, we are still completely jaded by what Mister Idiot and Ms. Beyotch did to us. The keeping up of appearances was apparent in every facet of our former lives, from going to church and bible study, to eating dinner with friends, to book clubs, and the like.

Meanwhile in our professional lives (before we have ever heard of one-another, and still 1500 miles apart), there were people who knew us... and thought we were single, because our spouses never joined us for anything. It still burns both M.W. and myself, that we spent so much of our time alone. But we're glad to be together now. Sigh.

Frankly, at the end of the day the only people I care about are the ones who love me. People who don't know me -- and that is basically everyone except for those whom I love, because I don't get close to many people -- don't have a vote in the way I live my life.

And if they did... I probably wouldn't even be dating M.W.

No Apologies...
So, thank you very much, I'll do what I want, say what I want, to whomever I want. Unless mummy doesn't like it. Then I'll just have to have Jayleigh distract her and I'll do it anyways...

To M.W.:
WAMHAS

Eye of the Tiger

No one likes to make fun more than me. I make fun of myself... of others... of myself and others. Who cares. There was this guy I met at my old job, who wanted to be a meteorologist so bad, he had an alias that was something like "Tiger Eyez".

Because of that, I've never told anyone professionally, what I am confessing right this minute: I decided to do this in the 4th grade. The year I had Mister K. for a teacher. (If you were to fast-forward this story by 18 years, you would know that Mister K. inspired me beyond belief and I invited him to my college graduation party. He was honored, as he should be). That was also the year I decided to be a meteorologist.

Not everyone knows what it is like to wake up every morning, giddy as heck, knowing that they get to live their dream! Even though work with a no-nad Aussie and a Texan with a Napolean complex... even then, I love what I do.

So I'm sitting here groovin' to my iPod (which is the greatest invention since sliced bread), and what comes on? Eye of the Tiger. You know... the song from Rocky. Mister K. had single 45's of that, and of Glenn Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy. Those two songs personify me. I decided what I wanted to be over those two songs, back in the 4th grade. I've been inspired, and continue to be so, because of them.

Eye of the Tiger, indeed. Evidently I'm rising up to the challenge of my rivals.

Waiting to Be Patient...

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you hurt, ache, go insane... waiting, waiting, waiting? What happens when I'm finished waiting and get everything I want? Here is my biggest fear: That I will be so hurt or angry, or both for the waiting...

that I won't want what I'm waiting for....


(It should be noted here, that I've stopped myself from having a lil' temper tantrum. On the one hand, I was acting like a child. On the other... everyone acts childish when they are in my situation.)

Oh.... so....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

So Ms. Kitty emailed me today....

That's the catty former sis-in-law. In truth? After the great schism she said we'd always be "Sisters in Spirit" which was way better than sisters-in-law. Frankly, she was the only one that I really liked in the family, in the end. We'd sneek away from our awful m-i-l, into the woods, and smoke cigarettes. On a good night, we'd have pre-stashed a bottle of wine or other liquor. Or spiked our coffee. But we'd giggle and laugh and carry on until the boys would eventually find us. Then we would offer feeble explanations as to why we smelled like tobacco smoke (um, yeah, there was a boat that just went by on the lake, and they were smoking), while we tried to stomp out the remiander of the nearly whole cigarette that was just lit... which, if you've ever tried it with bare feet... it ain't fun.

But back to the point: Ms. Kitty's email. She said we were slipping into acquaintanceship. Mostly because the thing we were catty about was my ex's family. And she keeps telling me all of this information about my ex that I can't even get up the ire to care about... except to realize how incredibly relieved I am that I never have to put up with his stupidity -- or stank -- again.

She's right. We need to let it slip away. Can I be honest? I think it hurts more, letting a good friend go so that I can finish working through this crap... than it did to work through this crap.
Sometimes it sucks, being an adult.

The delicate balance....

Between:

Right and wrong

Sooner and later

Hurt and anger

Now and later.....


Now or never!

(Cut to clip of John Schneider a.k.a. Bo Duke, singing the Classic Elvis Prestley song).

God Grant Me the Wisdom....

Bleh.... I wish I had all of the little tokens listed in that saying. Wisdom, courage, etc.

M.W. told me yesterday, that once a week when he served in Vietnam, the chaplain would grant the troops absolution. I'm kinda wishing that I could let myself feel absolution about my past. Not that I did something so terrible.... but I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like, had I done it all right the first time.

That's not to say that I'm less happy than I've been in the past decade... because my life now is more satisfying, and my relationships are so much healthier and happier. But it's just that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach... that I have a failure out there, and there's damn nothing that I can do about it.

So the absolution thing... you have to accept it. That's like the whole think of accepting God's forgiveness, eh? I just want to stop hurting for all of the things that I should have done better. I'm not a perfect person -- none of us are. But for some reason, my standards are so high, that no one -- not me, not M.W.... not even my Daddy can reach them.

Let me take a flying leap off of this pedastel on which I've elevated myself, and come down to mingle with the "boozsh". LOL.

I'm an idiot.