The day I decided it was okay to wear pink...

I've always been a tomboy. As a girl, we all got the impression that it was bad to be a girl... that being girly was something for which to apologize... that we had to be tough -- there was no room for being a pretty princess, unless we never wanted someone to respect our minds.

You know, it used to make me happy that my ex-husband was intimidated and afriad of me. He talked about how tough I was, that I never complained and did my work, no matter how hard it was. He was jealous of me in many capacities and was not bashful about telling me so.

As I walked out of church last week, there were t-shirts on sale. I love a good t-shirt. This one looked like Strawberry Shortcake (tm). That was one of my favorite dolls a child. And this syrupy sweet pink shirt proclaimed "Strawberry Soda"... and I loved it.

Roaming around my place on Sunday, the room-mate was still in Miami, and I in my pink shirt and gray sweats all curled up on the couch watching "The L Word"... I felt like a girl. After curling my hair and putting on layers of pink makeup and lipstick, redoing my toenails and fingernails. I look decent, but I have really missed this girl stuff.

Growing up on a farm wasn't bad either. Knowing how to castrate pigs is a good skill to have. But being given flowers on a date, having him make you feel like a princess when he opens the door for you... now that's girly.

Maybe next time, pink roses?

Beer Time and Drug Memories...

A few years back, I had a surgery on my leg. I'm a cancer surviver. Melanoma. It was a great testament to my faith, as well as courage. Little did I know that then. I was just so stubborn, I didn't even consider giving up on life. Meanwhile, I thought I was happy in my life. Well, at least I was trying to be happy in my life.

After the surgery, I was pretty drugged up for a few months because of the pain. But every once in a while... the memories come bubbling back through. At a time when I remember being "happiest" with my ex... I also remember flirting with this guy who was in my class. At a time when I could not even walk without crutches and I could not even bathe myself, I was acting like I had zero regard for my familial obligations.

Looking back now... it's understandable that my misery in the marriage would be at least 3 years until discovery and 5 from freedom. But that's no excuse for my actions. I'm so ashamed of myself. Even though I know my ex will never know the extent to which I showed him contempt and disrespect... the extent that I was thinking only of myself and my own pleasure, and of no one else.... I sit here feeling like I actually crossed the line that I vowed (and succeded) to never cross.

It's sickening to realize that the line was crossed mentally. While I sit in judgment of others who were not physically strong... I realize that my mental weakness was a disgrace to my character. I thought about it... and I thought about it a lot.

There will never be a point when forgiveness is mine. Sure, God can forgive me... but I'm not sure that I can. You know, I've changed. I've improved me 110% from where I was. There is no way I would even go there in my mind again, as I seek to find a relationship that fulfills all of the things I want in life. But there is no way I can ever forget how empty my life was when I acted against the man I was married to (even one whom I grew to hate). It was a bond I violated, and no one ever knew... no one at all because I never told anyone.

But the full value of the statement "a sin of the heart" comes to mind.

Hmmm. Not sure why, this morning. But I can say for certain that I won't ever let it go downhill that far again; if my relationship is not fulfilling to me, I'd sooner end it than stay together for appearances.

So much for my drug memories. I hate when I think of stuff like this. It drags my whole day down and now I'm depressed.

It's beer time.

Goodnight my Angels....

A lullaby for the pre-conceived notions of my children:

Blessed, by Elton John

Hey you,
you’re a child in my head
You haven’t walked yet
Your first words have yet to be said
But I swear you’ll be blessed

I know
you’re still just a dream
Your eyes might be green
Or the bluest that I’ve ever seen
Anyway you’ll be blessed

And you,
you’ll be blessed
You’ll have the best
I promise you that
I’ll pick a star from the sky
Pull your name from a hat

I promise you that,
promise you that,
promise you that
You’ll be blessed

I need you
before I’m too old
To have and to hold
To walk with you
and watch you grow
And know that you’re blessed

Dreaming of Z, O and X

They were in Mister Wonderful's ex-wife's house, in my dream. They were so tiny but all three were walking. Adorable. I picked up the one who was crying and she clinged to me like she knew who I was. I comforted her and the other two who walked toward me, like I knew who they were. They had to have been mine.

There was a bunch of stuff in my dream about iPods (love mine!) and even more stuff about M.W.'s ex.... but the thing that sticks with me was the little ringlet curls on the tiny little girl... the way she stopped crying when I got there to comfort her... and the very way I knew just what to do, in order to take care of her and the other two.

I'm in love with them and I don't even know who they are....

Yet.

Today, I'm Bringing Up Baby....

Dave Matthews also says, in Fool to Think:

You make a mess of me...
I'll dance a thousand steps for you...
If you'll only say yes to me...
I be whatever gets you through.

My heart was fixed the day I stopped looking for another Daddy (someone to take care of me and "fix" my broken heart), and started realizing I'm a grown woman who is smart and responsible, rest of the world be dammed!

I want what I want, and I'm not sorry for it. This is the best time of my life and I'm still so young. I'm gonna go for it!

Overnight I realized that that day... is today (sly grin). I was reading this personality profile questionnere that asked "Do you feel that inside, you're horribly broken?" Six months ago, the answer was most definitenly Yes. Now? Nope. I'm alright. I'm ready for the anti-depressants to stop, too. Everyone said I would know... and I know. Not that I'm numb, but I am starting to think it's time.

The doc said to wait at least 6 months... so I'll give it one more (that'll make 4) and re-evaluate. But the lack of amour that I've noticed since going on these babies is disheartening and I'd like to leave them in the dust ASAP!

To recap: heart, fixed. Brain, fixed.


Yee-haw!