He was the kind of person she felt... that needed protecting. Sort of like he couldn't navigate his way thru the world on his own. Even though he was smart and somewhat motivated & accomplished... she still felt this motherly, protective side of her always sticking up for him.
Gawky, awkward, bespeckled, and shouting inappropriate things a la Turretts... she had the impression that he was the kicky little brother that all big sisters love to hate. Long ago, she'd known someone just like him. Hell... they even looked alike. And even though they only met a few times... she felt the same way about him... right from the beginning.
This time, it made her nervous. Because this time, there would be no room for error. The new rule of the day was to not let anyone get too close, and don't get too close to anyone. At work, that is. Or at school. Home was a different story, because even though she loved her apartment more than any place she'd lived in the last half-decade... she didn't feel like that was where her heart was. It was split between a rock and a hard place, 2500 miles apart, and each 1500 miles or so from her.
She avoided eye contact, she avoided going out of her way to say hello. And all of a sudden... she realized that people were asking "who's that girl?"... They wanted to know her! She's never been popular... but when she started shutting up long enough for people to ask who she was instead of her proclaiming it from the roof-tops... it created an air of mystique around her that she sometimes heard people whispering about from the opposite desks.
They all wanted to know about her trips; her school-work; her weekends. They held the door for her and bought her diet cokes.
She was flattered. She smiled. And she started to realize more than ever before, that she never wanted to protect that lil' guy after all... She just saw an innocence in him that she knew was lost to her a long time ago.
She's older now. Wiser too... she'll never let 'em see her sweat. And whenever she sees that innocence, she'll cherish it silently, she'll cherish it alone. Smile, pray, and thank God for helping her learn this lesson -- at least -- a little easier than the rest.
Thursday, January 27, 2005
...and She was Cool, without even tryin'.....
Remember back in college when one of your classmates had something in common with the instructor... something specialized... like a cool job or common background? They were instant friends and always had something to chat about, because of this connection? That was never me.
I was so damn jealous of people who seemed so natural when chatting with the prof about this or that. My mode has always been to be so nervous I would get choked up. In recent years, it's been not quite as bad. Mainly because I'm a busy woman and don't give a damn what the prof thinks of me.
Perhaps that's where this break occured. Because now I'm the one that the prof wants to chat with after class... makes lots of side-comments to in class... Since I'm Dorothy... I guess you might be able to call him Toto? Ha... Nah... he used to be a pilot. My job supports pilots. See where I'm going with that?
This all reminds me of the day I did my programming presentation last term. Since I'd worked over 100 hours thru the term, programming my little bum off... I was totally comfortable and in fact, really willing to chat about and explain how I spent my allotted time. It also reminds me of yesterday, when my supervisor accused me of not doing my entire job the other day. And since I never cut corners... I was able to prove to him that I did not, and he had to make an apology. Now, since I know what I'm talking about and am more prepared than ever before.... maybe it's my ease and knowledge that prompts people to talk to me.
I'm not used to being the one that everyone wants to hang with. Two people approached me to do the class project. Two women. Two women on the face of this earth approached Dorothy, Not of Kansas. It's a monumental occasion. They are not jealous, and they certainly feel that I must have some kind of intelligence. To be honest... I'm really believing it too (big grin).
So tomorrow is the big day: I'm going to California to collect my birthday gifts. Okay, okay... to see Mister Wonderful and little Miss Kiki Wonderful! I'm not anxious about turning "over 30". I love them both, and I'm certain it will be a wonderful and romantic weekend. Perhaps MW will garner a first name this weekend? If he plays his cards right... I'll call him Romeo...
I was so damn jealous of people who seemed so natural when chatting with the prof about this or that. My mode has always been to be so nervous I would get choked up. In recent years, it's been not quite as bad. Mainly because I'm a busy woman and don't give a damn what the prof thinks of me.
Perhaps that's where this break occured. Because now I'm the one that the prof wants to chat with after class... makes lots of side-comments to in class... Since I'm Dorothy... I guess you might be able to call him Toto? Ha... Nah... he used to be a pilot. My job supports pilots. See where I'm going with that?
This all reminds me of the day I did my programming presentation last term. Since I'd worked over 100 hours thru the term, programming my little bum off... I was totally comfortable and in fact, really willing to chat about and explain how I spent my allotted time. It also reminds me of yesterday, when my supervisor accused me of not doing my entire job the other day. And since I never cut corners... I was able to prove to him that I did not, and he had to make an apology. Now, since I know what I'm talking about and am more prepared than ever before.... maybe it's my ease and knowledge that prompts people to talk to me.
I'm not used to being the one that everyone wants to hang with. Two people approached me to do the class project. Two women. Two women on the face of this earth approached Dorothy, Not of Kansas. It's a monumental occasion. They are not jealous, and they certainly feel that I must have some kind of intelligence. To be honest... I'm really believing it too (big grin).
So tomorrow is the big day: I'm going to California to collect my birthday gifts. Okay, okay... to see Mister Wonderful and little Miss Kiki Wonderful! I'm not anxious about turning "over 30". I love them both, and I'm certain it will be a wonderful and romantic weekend. Perhaps MW will garner a first name this weekend? If he plays his cards right... I'll call him Romeo...
Wednesday, January 26, 2005
I know I promised not to cry again tonight...
Well, I didn't promise you that I wouldn't cry. But I did promise me....
Sidebar: oh shit, I forgot to take my medication today. I'm so stupid and forgetful when working overnight shifts.
Anyways.... I was thinking about the babies again. Just went outside and saw the constellation after which I will name my firstborn son. Perhaps I will not give birth so much as adopt him. But he will be my son. And I will name him after my favourite constellation.
I have this image in my mind about taking them for ice-cream or something. Playing in the park. Giving baths. Putting them to bed. Waking them up. Getting them ready for school. Filling out permission slips, making lunches, taking forgotton homework to school, smiling, laughing. There was a woman with her little girl when I was at my allergist the other day. They were playing a silly game of making faces at eachother. Normally I would sit there with a smug sense of superiority because I look hot these days. Hot! But my life felt pallid at that moment. The sense of loss that I feel when thinking about giving up that dream makes me feel utterly gray, as though my reason for being has taken a downturn. Like I'm "less equal" because I'm not giving from the hurty part of the heart.
So I think all the time about what it means that M.W. is not all that excited about having a family again. Whether it's in God's Plan for me to have a family is still up to Him... but I hope M.W. changes his mind and lets what happens, happen, "irregardless" of what else happens "at this point in time".
I still have a certaintude about our foreverness. I do.... I really do.
Sidebar: oh shit, I forgot to take my medication today. I'm so stupid and forgetful when working overnight shifts.
Anyways.... I was thinking about the babies again. Just went outside and saw the constellation after which I will name my firstborn son. Perhaps I will not give birth so much as adopt him. But he will be my son. And I will name him after my favourite constellation.
I have this image in my mind about taking them for ice-cream or something. Playing in the park. Giving baths. Putting them to bed. Waking them up. Getting them ready for school. Filling out permission slips, making lunches, taking forgotton homework to school, smiling, laughing. There was a woman with her little girl when I was at my allergist the other day. They were playing a silly game of making faces at eachother. Normally I would sit there with a smug sense of superiority because I look hot these days. Hot! But my life felt pallid at that moment. The sense of loss that I feel when thinking about giving up that dream makes me feel utterly gray, as though my reason for being has taken a downturn. Like I'm "less equal" because I'm not giving from the hurty part of the heart.
So I think all the time about what it means that M.W. is not all that excited about having a family again. Whether it's in God's Plan for me to have a family is still up to Him... but I hope M.W. changes his mind and lets what happens, happen, "irregardless" of what else happens "at this point in time".
I still have a certaintude about our foreverness. I do.... I really do.
It's dangerous, I know...
But I've been thinking again.
My San Fran trip is making me really nervous. Not because of traveling, but because of taking face to face with Mister Wonderful.
There is a momentum of relationships. Think of jumping up and down on a trampoline. Now think of doing it with another person. If you're both jumping together, you can get so high... it's amazing. If you're jumping at different speeds and heights... it all gets messed up and either one of you quits, or else you re-synch until it's good again. My marriage was a quit situation. I want this to be a re-synch one.
The closer my trip gets, the more I know how hard it's going to be. Because there are so many things we both want and need to say... face to face. When we're together, it's hard not to feel on fire and like the world revolves around us. But there are things that need to be said. I know how he feels how he feels, and he's not going to change it for me. I don't want him to change for me. Still, a number of concerns have come and they can not be ignored.
It will be a good trip, with the caveat that we come to a solution on a few points,in order to move forward. That said... I'm looking forward to spending some time bonding. Perhaps my fears come from the fact that after wanting to be in Sunny California for the past two years, the initial bond is losing its grip and now is the time that the work really starts to make sure that we do move forward instead of dropping what is possibly the most positive relationship that ever crossed my path.
M.W... save a piece of pie for meeeee! I'll be there to-mor-row!
My San Fran trip is making me really nervous. Not because of traveling, but because of taking face to face with Mister Wonderful.
There is a momentum of relationships. Think of jumping up and down on a trampoline. Now think of doing it with another person. If you're both jumping together, you can get so high... it's amazing. If you're jumping at different speeds and heights... it all gets messed up and either one of you quits, or else you re-synch until it's good again. My marriage was a quit situation. I want this to be a re-synch one.
The closer my trip gets, the more I know how hard it's going to be. Because there are so many things we both want and need to say... face to face. When we're together, it's hard not to feel on fire and like the world revolves around us. But there are things that need to be said. I know how he feels how he feels, and he's not going to change it for me. I don't want him to change for me. Still, a number of concerns have come and they can not be ignored.
It will be a good trip, with the caveat that we come to a solution on a few points,in order to move forward. That said... I'm looking forward to spending some time bonding. Perhaps my fears come from the fact that after wanting to be in Sunny California for the past two years, the initial bond is losing its grip and now is the time that the work really starts to make sure that we do move forward instead of dropping what is possibly the most positive relationship that ever crossed my path.
M.W... save a piece of pie for meeeee! I'll be there to-mor-row!
Friday, January 21, 2005
To Whom It May Concern
VANESSA CARLTON LYRICS"A Thousand Miles"
Making my way downtown
Walking fast Faces pass
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way Making a way
Through the crowd
And I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....
If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by'
Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
TonightIt's always times like these
When I think of you
And I wonder
If you ever
Think of me
'Cause everything's so wrong
And I don't belong
Living in your
Precious memories'Cause I need you
And I miss you
And now I wonder....If I could fall
Into the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could Just see youTonightAnd I, IDon't want to let you know
I, I Drown in your memory I, I
Don't want to let this goI, I
Don't....Making my way downtown
Walking fastFaces pass
And I'm home bound
Staring blankly ahead
Just making my way
Making a way
Through the crowdAnd I still need you
And I still miss you
And now I wonder....If I could fallInto the sky
Do you think time
Would pass us by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could Just see you...
If I could fallInto the sky
Do you think time
Would pass me by
'Cause you know I'd walk
A thousand miles
If I could
Just see you
If I could
Just hold you
Tonight
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