Something that I've always wanted to do, was visit the place where I am right now... it's odd to think that I let my former spouse have that much of a negative influence on my life... can you imagine that the last vacation I took was to Cape Cod in 1999? My best friend invited the two of us to spend three weeks with her folks in Mass. They were great people, and it was a great vacation because I was with my best friend. My hub at the time spent all his time fishing and talking about fishing. God loves the man, to be sure... but No one on planet Earth can make me feel like as big a bitch, as finicky, stupid, or mean as that man can.
All of my time and efforts with him were in vain, or at least it feels that way. A year into my marriage, my mantra became "You can't make anyone do anything"... That is rather fatalistic, no matter how true it is... My point is mentioning it, is that I knew things weren't right, and I just didn't know how to fix it.
Wednesday, March 24, 2004
Sunday, March 21, 2004
It was just the perfect afternoon.....
After all of my flight-anxiety, it seems that the plane rides are perfect. In fact, so perfect at one point, I'd forgotten I was on a plane. Praise the Lord that I got here safely.... and still praying that the remainder of my trip goes well.
Know that song, I Left My Heart in San Francisco? Yeah... that's how I felt from the time I landed at the airport, to when we drove into the City (that's San Francisco), to when we ate lunch on Pier 39, got coffee there, watched the sea lions from there, and also called the fog into the bay and watched it roll past Alcatraz Island. I'm staying in the East Bay, so it was cool and foggy in the City yesterday, and it's cool with low stratus in the East Bay.
Today's plans include attending the Flower and Garden Show, and lunch with some of my host's friends -- more meteorologists (which I can't like more than I do, because it's *awesome* to hang with people with whom you identify)!
I'm starting to feel like all I'm doing on this vacation is to search for Validation (definition #2). Maybe it's because I want some comfort and to find a new place for my heart (see above referenced "left it in San Francisco"). Anyways, whatever the reason, I feel very at home here. Long Sigh.
Know that song, I Left My Heart in San Francisco? Yeah... that's how I felt from the time I landed at the airport, to when we drove into the City (that's San Francisco), to when we ate lunch on Pier 39, got coffee there, watched the sea lions from there, and also called the fog into the bay and watched it roll past Alcatraz Island. I'm staying in the East Bay, so it was cool and foggy in the City yesterday, and it's cool with low stratus in the East Bay.
Today's plans include attending the Flower and Garden Show, and lunch with some of my host's friends -- more meteorologists (which I can't like more than I do, because it's *awesome* to hang with people with whom you identify)!
I'm starting to feel like all I'm doing on this vacation is to search for Validation (definition #2). Maybe it's because I want some comfort and to find a new place for my heart (see above referenced "left it in San Francisco"). Anyways, whatever the reason, I feel very at home here. Long Sigh.
Friday, March 19, 2004
Plus....
California Dreamin.....
Note to self: Recall the spring break we went with mom and dad to CHS to see Uncle Chuck, and went to a restaurant in a brick building on the Charleston Bay, called California Dreamin'? Sigh.
Note to self: Recall the spring break we went with mom and dad to CHS to see Uncle Chuck, and went to a restaurant in a brick building on the Charleston Bay, called California Dreamin'? Sigh.
Thursday, March 18, 2004
Flying By the Seat of My Pants, or, A Soundtrack for My Trip to California
(Led Zepplin song) Going to California...
(Joni Mitchell song) California
(RHCP song) Californication
(PP&M song) Leaving on a Jet Plane
I talked myself out of being a fraidy-cat about flying. When it's all said and done, I realize that God's will be done... plus He's the only one in control, really. So if I'm gonna bite it tomorrow, I will , regardless of whether or not I was on an aeroplane.
But if I had my druthers, I want to live a long life that is full and that glorifies His name.
I heard something today...
That Muslims believe that Jesus' followers put a surrogate in Jesus' place, on the cross. The other version of the story I heard was that Jesus didn't really die on the cross... that he was let down without dying. It disturbs me that the Koran, the holy book of Islam, directly addresses -- or redresses -- the figurehead of my entire belief-system.
(Joni Mitchell song) California
(RHCP song) Californication
(PP&M song) Leaving on a Jet Plane
I talked myself out of being a fraidy-cat about flying. When it's all said and done, I realize that God's will be done... plus He's the only one in control, really. So if I'm gonna bite it tomorrow, I will , regardless of whether or not I was on an aeroplane.
But if I had my druthers, I want to live a long life that is full and that glorifies His name.
I heard something today...
That Muslims believe that Jesus' followers put a surrogate in Jesus' place, on the cross. The other version of the story I heard was that Jesus didn't really die on the cross... that he was let down without dying. It disturbs me that the Koran, the holy book of Islam, directly addresses -- or redresses -- the figurehead of my entire belief-system.
Tuesday, March 16, 2004
God Does Indeed Speak Today, or I'm Lonely!
This is an email that I sent to my pastor about 10 minutes ago:
Hi Pastor ,
I decided not to post this message, because there is a lot of situational info and I wasn't sure how to word it so that it didn't lose its relevancy. But I did want to share it:
Yesterday (that's Sunday... but since I've been working overnights... I think technically today is Tuesday... you get the drift), I went to church (www.lifechurch.tv) and the pastor mentioned that several years ago, he was in a plane from DFW to New York... about 20 minutes outside of Dallas. The pilot came on the speaker and said there were mechanical problems, and that they were going to turn the plane around and go back to DFW, but they were going to prepare for a possible crash landing. For 20 minutes, his life passed before his eyes, and he thought of all of the regrets he had in his life.. things he wished he'd done, didn't do... did differently, etc. When the plane finally landed safely, he made a vow to live in the present, and try to always live God's will, and live without regrets.
What troubled me about the message was twofold: first, that I am flying to California this coming Saturday. Flying makes me nervous, and the last thing I wanted to hear about, ever, was someone's near-disastrous experience. I know that it's much safer than driving... but as an aviation meteorologist... I also know that flying over/landing in Denver will be no picnic as well (don't like the uncontrolled feeling of turbulence -- who does?)... The other thing that troubled me, was living without regrets. How can one live as though today is his last day, and also plan for the future?
This afternoon, I got my hair cut by the woman who I've know probably longest in Oklahoma. Traci is talented, and I drive 20 miles across the city so that I can still see her. It's not just her talent, it's her attitude about life, and the fact that she's a Christian, and that she's my age. Anyways... I told her that I was troubled abou the message in church yesterday. Her reply was "You know Joelle, that even the pilot does not have control over what happens to the plane. You were in church yesterday. You heard it. If it's your time... it's your time." Zing! I know that was God talking to me through her.
(beware the focus changes slightly here)
Oddly, I'm calmed by that statement, even though it still nags at my mind that I'm still thinking about it. I've always made a point not to make ominous comments about my life... The fact that I'm even writing this email bothers me. Someone said that those who are afraid of dying don't really know Jesus. Or is it they I have something to hide? I'm sorry, I'm really tired right now. Maybe they said that those who are afraid of dying are not really living. Whatever the comment, it's rolling around in my mind because I think of all of the things I want to accomplish -- and they are not even things that I wanted selfishly for my life. They are goals I have always felt God gave me to work toward.
So I thought I would feel better if I made a list of my regrets, and then prayed about them and asked God to help me make amends or changes. The first thing on my list was that I couldn't make my marriage work, no matter how hard I tried, how much I prayed, where I searched (in my heart and mind), and no matter how much I changed, on the inside and on the outside.
Since the entirety of that regret is based on what I was doing and unable to accomplish... does that mean I am to apologize and then let it go? Some days I feel like it's going to eat me alive... like there was maybe a rock that I left unturned... and if I could go back in time, perhaps it wouldn't have turned out this way. Then I recall that for the past (at least) 2 years, I have been praying that God show me the way in this situation, make the way something that I will know without question, and make that way unretractable -- something that I couldn't go back on, no matter what.
I guess I just wanted to share my unique experience... and, I'm asking for prayers of guidance, reassurance that I am taking the right course of action in my personal life, confidence that I am still keeping my heart and mind open to God's will... as well as safety for my upcoming trip.
That was a lot to unload, and I'm sorry. You talked about being lonely before. Believe me, I can identify -- the last time I had human contact other than handing the cashier at Taco Bell a $5 bill, was when I hugged my mom and dad at the airport on the 21st of February. So I'm lonely too... For someone who ostensibly has it all together... I sure feel like a mess a lot of the time.
I'm just sure things are going to get better though...
Take Care
Hi Pastor ,
I decided not to post this message, because there is a lot of situational info and I wasn't sure how to word it so that it didn't lose its relevancy. But I did want to share it:
Yesterday (that's Sunday... but since I've been working overnights... I think technically today is Tuesday... you get the drift), I went to church (www.lifechurch.tv) and the pastor mentioned that several years ago, he was in a plane from DFW to New York... about 20 minutes outside of Dallas. The pilot came on the speaker and said there were mechanical problems, and that they were going to turn the plane around and go back to DFW, but they were going to prepare for a possible crash landing. For 20 minutes, his life passed before his eyes, and he thought of all of the regrets he had in his life.. things he wished he'd done, didn't do... did differently, etc. When the plane finally landed safely, he made a vow to live in the present, and try to always live God's will, and live without regrets.
What troubled me about the message was twofold: first, that I am flying to California this coming Saturday. Flying makes me nervous, and the last thing I wanted to hear about, ever, was someone's near-disastrous experience. I know that it's much safer than driving... but as an aviation meteorologist... I also know that flying over/landing in Denver will be no picnic as well (don't like the uncontrolled feeling of turbulence -- who does?)... The other thing that troubled me, was living without regrets. How can one live as though today is his last day, and also plan for the future?
This afternoon, I got my hair cut by the woman who I've know probably longest in Oklahoma. Traci is talented, and I drive 20 miles across the city so that I can still see her. It's not just her talent, it's her attitude about life, and the fact that she's a Christian, and that she's my age. Anyways... I told her that I was troubled abou the message in church yesterday. Her reply was "You know Joelle, that even the pilot does not have control over what happens to the plane. You were in church yesterday. You heard it. If it's your time... it's your time." Zing! I know that was God talking to me through her.
(beware the focus changes slightly here)
Oddly, I'm calmed by that statement, even though it still nags at my mind that I'm still thinking about it. I've always made a point not to make ominous comments about my life... The fact that I'm even writing this email bothers me. Someone said that those who are afraid of dying don't really know Jesus. Or is it they I have something to hide? I'm sorry, I'm really tired right now. Maybe they said that those who are afraid of dying are not really living. Whatever the comment, it's rolling around in my mind because I think of all of the things I want to accomplish -- and they are not even things that I wanted selfishly for my life. They are goals I have always felt God gave me to work toward.
So I thought I would feel better if I made a list of my regrets, and then prayed about them and asked God to help me make amends or changes. The first thing on my list was that I couldn't make my marriage work, no matter how hard I tried, how much I prayed, where I searched (in my heart and mind), and no matter how much I changed, on the inside and on the outside.
Since the entirety of that regret is based on what I was doing and unable to accomplish... does that mean I am to apologize and then let it go? Some days I feel like it's going to eat me alive... like there was maybe a rock that I left unturned... and if I could go back in time, perhaps it wouldn't have turned out this way. Then I recall that for the past (at least) 2 years, I have been praying that God show me the way in this situation, make the way something that I will know without question, and make that way unretractable -- something that I couldn't go back on, no matter what.
I guess I just wanted to share my unique experience... and, I'm asking for prayers of guidance, reassurance that I am taking the right course of action in my personal life, confidence that I am still keeping my heart and mind open to God's will... as well as safety for my upcoming trip.
That was a lot to unload, and I'm sorry. You talked about being lonely before. Believe me, I can identify -- the last time I had human contact other than handing the cashier at Taco Bell a $5 bill, was when I hugged my mom and dad at the airport on the 21st of February. So I'm lonely too... For someone who ostensibly has it all together... I sure feel like a mess a lot of the time.
I'm just sure things are going to get better though...
Take Care
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