Is there love out there? Some place happy for my heart to live? Tell me again... Why exactly am I wallering in sadness? There is enough sadness to go around without me adding to the mix. I am ready to be happy. I am ready to let go of the bad and get back to the good.
I am ready to go out and be a part of humanity again. I want to be sociable and know that the lines I've drawn in my mind are actually places where I will draw the limit. You know what? I want to have friends and things to do and places to go. I want to be comfortable socially, and not want to run away from situations that remind me of my ex.
One happy day, when the timing is right... I'll announce to the world that I have found Mr. Right. The guy who made my heart happy... who wanted me... wanted to be with me more than anything else in the world. The man whose sunshine heart makes my flowers bloom. The man whose tears of joy water my trees. The one who gives me the confidence that even I think I would make a great parent.
Many many years ago, I picked out names for my someday babies. And when I met Mr. Wrong... I became convinced that I would make an abysmal parent. You know... I'll make a great mommy. It goes back to what my counselor keeps saying... that if I don't like myself as a person... if I question myself... then it's time to take a peek at what my relationship is doing to me. I have confidence that I will not drop my babies... that I will not yell at them or lose my temper... And that I will buy them chemistry sets and have fun with them and teach them everything that I know.. and with Love and Patience and Encouragement.
Hey babies... Psst! Mommy loves you and can't wait to meet you!
Friday, February 27, 2004
Thursday, February 26, 2004
And then his MOTHER entered the fray...
Yes, that is right. My soon to be former spouse's mother emailed me today, letting me know that the mess that became my marriage, is essentially my fault. It's difficult for her to see that her son is not blameless. On the one hand, she says that... and on the other, she says that we are in this together. I hate it when people say "I should've voiced my opinion when I saw you were doing something which I disapprove." There is no room to bitch if you wait, folks! It's as simple as that.
It occured to me that I might be lashing out at people
Looking back at both of my blogs in the past couple of days, I seemed to go off on almost everyone I know. I hope that I'm legitimately upset, and not fabricating shiot so that my life is more dramatic. My counselor told me that if I am in a relationship and I don't like the person who I am... then I have to take a good long look at the relationship, and why it is that I turn into an ugly person while I'm with that guy.
My former spouse sent a somewhat nice, somewhat logical email to me today.... and I'm not certain that he doesn't have an agenda. Well duh....he's trying to get me back. Well guess what? It hurts that he is making this play to get me back. It's been well over half of our marriage that I wanted out. And for the past two years, I was miserable.
It just occured to me that I could still make it work...
If I was willing to change myself as a person. Sure, my former spouse says that we were craving validation... that we needed to hear eachother out. But I must not have loved him much, because I have little interest in making nice just so that my marriage is intact.
I mentioned the other day, my trip to SFO in March
Ostensibly, my trip is a vacation. But I will be working on it. My great friend and mentor has offered me a rather lucrative job when I'm out there. It should be simple enough. But it's the getting to know my friend better... meeting a great long-time pen-pal-ish-friend and meeting someone who comes up just short of hero-worship in my book.... THAT's what I'm looking forward to. Plus the geography... the topography...
And I am also looking forward to writing my own history. I want to turn over in the middle of the night and not want to get out of bed. I want to have a life where I am glad to be around my lover... not biding my time to get away. If there was ever a fix to my marriage... I didn't see it. Perhaps my heart has been hardened to my former spouse. Perhaps there is, even now, a fix which I refuse to see, because I don't want to?
It occured to me that I might be lashing out at people
Looking back at both of my blogs in the past couple of days, I seemed to go off on almost everyone I know. I hope that I'm legitimately upset, and not fabricating shiot so that my life is more dramatic. My counselor told me that if I am in a relationship and I don't like the person who I am... then I have to take a good long look at the relationship, and why it is that I turn into an ugly person while I'm with that guy.
My former spouse sent a somewhat nice, somewhat logical email to me today.... and I'm not certain that he doesn't have an agenda. Well duh....he's trying to get me back. Well guess what? It hurts that he is making this play to get me back. It's been well over half of our marriage that I wanted out. And for the past two years, I was miserable.
It just occured to me that I could still make it work...
If I was willing to change myself as a person. Sure, my former spouse says that we were craving validation... that we needed to hear eachother out. But I must not have loved him much, because I have little interest in making nice just so that my marriage is intact.
I mentioned the other day, my trip to SFO in March
Ostensibly, my trip is a vacation. But I will be working on it. My great friend and mentor has offered me a rather lucrative job when I'm out there. It should be simple enough. But it's the getting to know my friend better... meeting a great long-time pen-pal-ish-friend and meeting someone who comes up just short of hero-worship in my book.... THAT's what I'm looking forward to. Plus the geography... the topography...
And I am also looking forward to writing my own history. I want to turn over in the middle of the night and not want to get out of bed. I want to have a life where I am glad to be around my lover... not biding my time to get away. If there was ever a fix to my marriage... I didn't see it. Perhaps my heart has been hardened to my former spouse. Perhaps there is, even now, a fix which I refuse to see, because I don't want to?
Tuesday, February 24, 2004
Goodbye to you
I emailed my spouse and told him it was time we parted ways. What do I do with all of these feelings? I hate him and I miss what I thought we had together. My life has so many positive changes these days. But I seem to be focused on only "me" things. Like tunnel vision. There are a number of things in life that I enjoy -- making fun of my former place of employment, reading some crazy-boy's blog, and reading awesome books (new and old) as well. Lately I've only been running and spending money on things I don't need.
WHy running, you ask? Because my first marathon will be on April 25, 2004. It's the beginning of the new me. Yay. I'm beside myself with excitement. Why shopping? Because doesn't everyone want nicer skin, nicer hair, nicer kitchen utinsils, nicer shelving units in their respective closets?
Good Lord, get over that inferiority complex!
Momma, Momma-womma... please stop asking me to keep my wits about me when I go back to school. Your eldest daughter has a college degree. Woo-friggin-hoo. First girl in the family. Second person in the family, ever. So what's say you get off my ass about WHERE I went to school, and the attitude you associate with that place, thereof.
The alleged "air" you continually accuse me of having is thus: People who went to the University of ________ think they are better than everyone. They are snotty and smug about the fact that they went to that school. They act as though they are better than everyone else. So you say, dear parental unit... so you say. But tell me something... am I as bad just because I went there? You say Peter is that bad because he went there, against his parents wishes.
You started talking about this when I said I was interested in climbing the corporate ladder. Actually, no, dear unit of female parent... YOU alleged that since I am traveling to sunny CA, that I also want to climb the corporeal...wait wait... the corporate ladder. THEN you admonished me against getting that "Big head" that people who attend the University of ________ have.
I'm really closer to cussing than one might think, so let me stand down for a second. Have you ever noticed that people accuse someone or something of having an air, when they feel inferior and/or jealous? Hm.
So this is the crux: I am not sorry for being edumacated. I'm just not. And I'm not sorry that my vocabulary is bigger than your purse (and THAT's big... so you know what I'm sayin'...). Further, I will not hold myself back just because you think that I think that I'm something special. GUESS WHAT? I already am special. No one had to tell me and I don't have to prove it.
What about educating myself for the sake of education? Well no one could ever say I was ignorant.
WHy running, you ask? Because my first marathon will be on April 25, 2004. It's the beginning of the new me. Yay. I'm beside myself with excitement. Why shopping? Because doesn't everyone want nicer skin, nicer hair, nicer kitchen utinsils, nicer shelving units in their respective closets?
Good Lord, get over that inferiority complex!
Momma, Momma-womma... please stop asking me to keep my wits about me when I go back to school. Your eldest daughter has a college degree. Woo-friggin-hoo. First girl in the family. Second person in the family, ever. So what's say you get off my ass about WHERE I went to school, and the attitude you associate with that place, thereof.
The alleged "air" you continually accuse me of having is thus: People who went to the University of ________ think they are better than everyone. They are snotty and smug about the fact that they went to that school. They act as though they are better than everyone else. So you say, dear parental unit... so you say. But tell me something... am I as bad just because I went there? You say Peter is that bad because he went there, against his parents wishes.
You started talking about this when I said I was interested in climbing the corporate ladder. Actually, no, dear unit of female parent... YOU alleged that since I am traveling to sunny CA, that I also want to climb the corporeal...wait wait... the corporate ladder. THEN you admonished me against getting that "Big head" that people who attend the University of ________ have.
I'm really closer to cussing than one might think, so let me stand down for a second. Have you ever noticed that people accuse someone or something of having an air, when they feel inferior and/or jealous? Hm.
So this is the crux: I am not sorry for being edumacated. I'm just not. And I'm not sorry that my vocabulary is bigger than your purse (and THAT's big... so you know what I'm sayin'...). Further, I will not hold myself back just because you think that I think that I'm something special. GUESS WHAT? I already am special. No one had to tell me and I don't have to prove it.
What about educating myself for the sake of education? Well no one could ever say I was ignorant.
Friday, February 20, 2004
Tomorrow, they leave...
My folks have been here for a week. God knows I love 'em... but I have come to the end of wanting them here -- for now anyways. I hate to seem holier-than-thou.... but they seem so much like people who've never been anywhere or seen anything. Country bumpkins. Hicks. It was nice though, that it doesn't take much to impress them. For example: Braums.
Do you know Braums? If not, please, for the love of all that is holy and sacred... if you are ever in the South Central Plains... GO THERE! It's like Burger King meets Dairy Queen and produces Baby Carrot-Stick! Daddy insisted that we go there for ice cream sundaes. I love their limeades (trust me if you've not had one... a regional TREAT!).. Mom is on a diet and said she'd be "bad" with us. Yay Mom. Thanks. So they marveled at any and everything in our path. They scorn learned-ness... and multisyllabic words.
Apparently I'm the pride of the family... and similarly, the bain of their collective existences, since I have one undergraduate degree and am proceeding to attempt another one. One second, Mom tells me to take a minute and enjoy life... kick up my heels. The next, she's admonishing that I not get a big head about things... that I take some time and think about someone other than myself. Know what? I think she's as messed up as I feel right now, only she refuses to admit it.
Tomorrow, they are leaving. I'll miss them horribly.
Do you know Braums? If not, please, for the love of all that is holy and sacred... if you are ever in the South Central Plains... GO THERE! It's like Burger King meets Dairy Queen and produces Baby Carrot-Stick! Daddy insisted that we go there for ice cream sundaes. I love their limeades (trust me if you've not had one... a regional TREAT!).. Mom is on a diet and said she'd be "bad" with us. Yay Mom. Thanks. So they marveled at any and everything in our path. They scorn learned-ness... and multisyllabic words.
Apparently I'm the pride of the family... and similarly, the bain of their collective existences, since I have one undergraduate degree and am proceeding to attempt another one. One second, Mom tells me to take a minute and enjoy life... kick up my heels. The next, she's admonishing that I not get a big head about things... that I take some time and think about someone other than myself. Know what? I think she's as messed up as I feel right now, only she refuses to admit it.
Tomorrow, they are leaving. I'll miss them horribly.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
A list of topics to address:
1) Dang it, I'm busy. And tired.
2) Mom and Dad are flying in tonight for the upcoming week.
3) My treatment of my S.T.B.X. through the first half of our marriage (when I was still fighting for it).
4) My trip to SFO in March.
5) Filing for Divorce.
6) God's Mercy and Forgiveness -- not just for the "perfect" people, but especially for us sinners.
7) Self-righteous individuals who try to control us in our lives... and how we can disengage from caring about that.
8) Self-righteous individuals who try to blackmail you when their old tactics do not work.
There is my list to tackle here this week while I'm on vacation with my folks. I have a lot to say about my marriage, but the details are still very sensitive, and I've chosen another (private) blog to spill my thoughts there.
2) Mom and Dad are flying in tonight for the upcoming week.
3) My treatment of my S.T.B.X. through the first half of our marriage (when I was still fighting for it).
4) My trip to SFO in March.
5) Filing for Divorce.
6) God's Mercy and Forgiveness -- not just for the "perfect" people, but especially for us sinners.
7) Self-righteous individuals who try to control us in our lives... and how we can disengage from caring about that.
8) Self-righteous individuals who try to blackmail you when their old tactics do not work.
There is my list to tackle here this week while I'm on vacation with my folks. I have a lot to say about my marriage, but the details are still very sensitive, and I've chosen another (private) blog to spill my thoughts there.
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