Summer Vacation Never Looked So Good!

Waking up in the yellow room at my mom's house, filled with sun. The smell of coffee cooking on the stove each morning. Boys calling the house to chat. It was two weeks of bliss! Not boring adult bliss, but the teenager bliss, sans the hormones this time. Ah, happy.

The first week was filled with wedding festivities for my Aunt Laurel, who at the age of 44, was married for the first time. Then I helped Jayleigh with Vacation Bible School. One day at Bible School, the leader had a life-size prop of Jesus on the Cross, in the front, for everone to see. She then handed me a placard that said "SIN" on it... she hung it around my neck. To demonstrate how Jesus died for my sins, I was to take the placard off of my neck, and place it around the neck of our dying Jesus. It was almost too much to bear. I know she did it for the kids, but actively taking part in giving my sin to Jesus...

I didn't get why God would do that for us. The reasoning behind Grace and Mercy still elude me. Well it's because He loves us... but I don't get why He does. Not after the nasty things I pull from time to time. And I'm not even a bad egg.

Fearful of having an uncomfortable confrontation while I was home, going to Mackinac Island seemed a reasonable thing to do. I loved the thought of hanging out with Synoptic... perhaps gazing into eachother's eyes and ... no, no, I can't even say it. The second I no longer needed a man to save me... That was when I no longer looked at Synoptic like he could. He's a friend and that's it. (But you know in the hotel room, I kinda wanted him to kiss me. I just kept looking at him and the longer he stared at the ceiling and didn't profess his undying love, the more my respect and desire for him started to wane).

Upon returning Home to Mom and Dad's house, I was sad that I'd missed the weekend with them. See the following picture after dinner on Monday with dear Jayleigh:

I'm Not Mad Anymore

I, Dorothy am no longer mad about Nelson (my ex), not mad about Choo-choo Charlie, not mad about Synoptic never being my White Knight, nor M.W. being my dream-lover.

I'm not mad that hard work has made Dorothy a Dull Girl, nor that Jayleigh won't travel to see me, or even that she hurt my feelings a lot when we were little.

Neither am I mad that I spend much time alone, have a tiny apartment, am still in debt for college (that I finished 6 years ago), don't own my car yet, or am able to afford fancy dinners and gifts for those I do love.

There is a big difference between letting life happen to you, and choosing to live your life. In the fameous words of my friend, Jose: "Viva tu Vida!"

If I Could....

There is something I've been wanting to say. For a long time, actually. It's been marinating on my brain and just had to settle enough to let it come out on it's own...

Friends used to say that I walked on the edge. "On the Edge" of right and wrong? Guess so. More than once, I was compared to a roller coaster ride. A fun one, but a coaster, none-the-less. Those who knew me best were envious of my free-spirited lifestyle. Not that I was a wild-child, but that emotionally, I seemed freer than those around me. Not afraid of trying or doing anything.

One friend told me that when the ride was no longer fun, he would get off. But he also said that he didn't anticipate that happening for a long time. Well my dear Synoptic... you'll be happy to know that the ride is now over.

Don't get me wrong - I'm still fun. But it occurred to me that I have been using my relationships as jumping-off points, of my own foundation, taking all the beatings, taking all the batterings, while I flourished seemingly indepentant of it. My head almost aches, thinking of how different my relationships may have been.

Wow. Deep.

Not Sure... Not Sure At All....

What is life supposed to be about? Sometimes I walk with such purpose, and sometimes, I fall down. Am I on the right path? Do I have goodness in my heart? What could be done, in order to ensure that I'm helping the people that I ought to, in life?

Wow, it's been such an emotional couple of weeks, and now I don't have to work for a couple more. My brain needs a rest. Lots of hope for some good times at Home. Get to see Jayleigh, the folks and the rest of the fam. Spending a weekend at Mackinac Island with Synoptic, my very good friend of over 6 years. Biking, hiking, and carousing (as good as two wx-nerds can do).

How often does one have a few free days to examine life before a vacation? It's a strange feeling to not be going off at full speed tonight. No more alarms, no deadlines... just my thoughts and my plans.

Having no S.O. presents a bit of unsettlment in my life. I've always treated that feature as an anchor for my life. A place to stay and stick, and foundation to build. I'm starting to believe that a relationship is not a foundation, not a rock to jump up from... but that we have to have our own foundation, and the relationship is like a knot in a silk scarf - tug-o-war will harm it, you want no losers, and sometimes that means no winners either. In the end, a delicate balance will provide a measure of happiness without damaging the knot too much.

sigh.

dot.

10 Things I Miss About Being a Wife (or even an S.O.); details that would NEVER go into my online dating profile

1. I really liked being a wife. Or being a partner.
2. Cooking dinner for someone who really appreciated it (and moreover, was willing to eat it, even if that's not what he wanted).
3. Being at a party where someone makes a comment that is, unknown to them, a private joke between just the two of you. You exchange that knowing glance and later talk about how funny it was.
4. Knowing his favorite kind of ice cream, whether or not he likes mustard or mustard, favorite junk food, and favorite pop - and making sure it's always on hand for him.
5. Buying clothes for myself that I know he likes on me (NO ladies, I'm not codependent. My thought is this: there's a pretty broad range of things in life that make me happy. So if what makes him happy falls within my range... then it doesn't really hurt me to move in the direction of his likes and dislikes, does it? I mean, if we ALL did that, wouldn't we all get along better?)
6. Ditto for the hairstyle.
7. Not being alone on Saturday nights, Sunday mornings, or ever, when making breakfast.
8. Making mutual vacation plans.
9. Being surprised with flowers, chocolates, or an impromptu weekend trip.
10. Waking up at 3 AM with your ankles intertwined with his. When you turn over to look at him, he is awake and just watching you. Um-hmmm!