What We Do For Love...

Looking back at the past year, there were several warning signs that things with M.W. were not going well. At some point, he had asked me to be patient with him and try to just "live in the moment"... I was never very good at it, but still tried... because I love him so much.

Another thing I did to show him my love, was to try not to complain about ending up in the bay area 3 or 4 weekends a month, since before Christmas. Except for one weekend where he came here for the afternoon, and the last time he came to see me, it was sometime way before Christmas when he last spent the weekend. But again... something I did because I loved him.

At Christmas, he took time out of his workday to see all of the folks he works with, take them little Christmas trinkets, and tries to drum up business. Somehow, I'd always assumed we would do it together, be in business together one day. It should have dawned on me when he quit sharing the financial details of his business, when he wouldn't let me help with the month-end accounting.

Today, he told me that he was going to take some dvds around to all of the stations. It's something quite unique... but I'm thinking two things: First, why could they not be mailed? But of course, then he couldn't drum up the business. And second? That kind of way out of your way gesture of unexpected kindness? That's what you do for someone when you're in love.

He loves his job. Good for him.

I really really like my job, but my life is defined by and is made better with the relationships I've had with people. You know, it wasn't a problem with me.. the reason why he didn't love me enough. It was his problem for being married to his work (work which I respect, but no room for anything besides a human to share parties and church, I guess).

Today I felt stronger and angrier that I have in a long time. I was mad at him for tearing my walls down and just leaving me here, exposed to the world. He asked me to trust him, and I did.... because I loved him so.

So many facets of life I enjoy because of the experiences we shared together. I do not regret them. I am truely sorry that they do not go on. But our friendship still remains intact.

My mom says I should just "break it off for good" and get on with my life. I can't do that, because he is my best friend. Even after this breakup, I think we're better friends because I stopped caring about making him happy, and he isn't worried about always hurting my feelings.

With the depth of my heart, I will hurt over this infinitely. But someday, somehow... someone will do for me, for love... what no one else would do.

Close, but No Cigar

My dear love, my M.W. is no longer mine. I promised myself after the divorce was final, that I would take some time to get to know myself.... then move forward into the rest of my life. From the very first date I had with M.W., I truly wanted to believe that he was more than a "get over it" relationship.

We were compatable in so many ways. I filled out an online personality test the other day, that basically takes your information and tells you in words, what you are looking for in another human being. Out of nearly 30 qualities and values, M.W. had all but one. But that one was the deal-breaker.

Is it no wonder I'm having a hard time getting over the near-perfection of the relationship? So close.... so very close.

I really loved him and believed that we would have a future together. And it's not that easy to get over.

On Remembering that I'm a Good Daughter and other stuff

Upon changing all of my passwords this morning (so that they did not have anything to do with M.W., anything we shared together, or his dog), I reviewed my internet billing account settings. I'd totally forgotten that I pay the monthly fees for my parents' internet dial-up access; they have never paid a single cent for access to the World Wide Web.

Seriously, I don't really care that I pay for it -- it's what a Good Daughter should do (especially when she knows that her folks would be total luddites without her electronic tuteledge). It's just that I was impressed that I had done that, that I keep doing that, and that they are getting enjoyment out of something that I do for them. Sigh. I'm good, ain't I?

I'm listening to Acoustic Sunrise (tm) on KFOG. Remember that song called "You're one of my kind" by INXS? Like late 80s. "Cause I'm not sleeping... there's something about you girl... that makes me sweat..." I'm listening to the acoustic version with their new singer "JD Fortune"... you know, the one that was chosen on that reality show last year? Know what I like that much? The acoustic version of "Pinball Wizard". Seriously folks. You've got to be a huge music fan to like acoustic versions.

Alright. Know what else? I have been thinking about the number of weeks when I went to see M.W., thinking that if he irked me in the slightest, I was going to walk out and never come back. He always encouraged my heart, because in his presence, I felt calm, at peace even. And when he was looking into my eyes, holding my hand, or even sharing a Triple Grande Non-fat No-Whip Mocha... it didn't even occur to me that I didn't want to spend the rest of my life with him. All of the shitty stuff happened when we were not together.

Can that be called neglect?

Who knows, but it makes me feel good that it wasn't something that either of us did, to end us. It's what we didn't do. So then why do we still love eachother so much? And why in hell does it hurt so?

Hmm.

No Faith or No Energy?

I have completely given up the idea that, in life, I can be happy with someone by finding them on my own.

First there were all of the highschool boyfriends. Then my ex-husband who made me feel the highest highs... and consequently the lowest lows. M.W. is my wholly compatable soulmate, we get along, are happy and energetic together and... well it's like running electricity through a gas: electrons are in an excited state. We were never at rest.

I'm not up for any more of the disappointment that these relationships generated. I give up! My friend G3, in Oklahoma, is Indian. She is in her late 20s, and told me that her parents would arrange a marriage for her when she returns to India.

Now hold on to your hat.... it ain't that bad! If you think about it... the parents and the match-makers are picking out someone with whom they believe you will be compatable. Doesn't that sound wonderful? If my family would not have blessed my marriage, then I would have moved forward from there, not worrying about what the future brought.

So here were have it -- what options are there in the world, for a girl who's had the desire to date, to even look for a mate, beaten out of her?

I am so tired.

He Was the One; Apparently I Was Not the One...

Okay, so I'm still grieving, still mourning the loss of my life's greatest love.

Someone asked last weekend if I subscribed to the "finger system" of rating guys. I learned that it was "how many fingers you'd be willing to cut off, in order to be able to sleep with that girl or guy (gender opposite)". Um... heeeelllll no! Sleeping with a guy would never warrant cutting off a finger.

M.W. on the other hand... I would cut off at least three fingers if it would give me back what we had, and another finger and two teeth, if it would give me the future that I thought we were heading for.

I'm not sure why my weekend feels so crappy. Perhaps since I walked downtown (conveniently next to V.D.s house) and saw him with his girlfriend. He has a girlfriend. Oh well. It's time for me to move on.

You know, if M.W. would have just said "Yes, you're right... I don't want to marry you and never will... so please get on with your life and get out of mine"... I think I would be recovering by now. But for some asinine reason, I actually believed that his icy heart would melt and he would feel the love and have a change of heart.

I am such a plucking idiot!