Merry Christmas from Dorothy!

Adrenaline Rush

At 1:10 yesterday morning, I was rudely awakened by a skittering of an out-of-control automobile rambling down the street. Crash! Bang! Boom! Hooooooonnnnnnnkkkk!

After my heart started beating again, I peeked out the blinds. Two people were walking down the street in their pajamas trying to find out what had happened. I ended up staying awake until 2:00 because it was such an unwelcome rush.

My flight is at 9 this morning. Prayers are desired, as I'm quite the nervous flyer. In fact, I'll be encountering three airports that I've never been to before.

Peace.

Dot.

A List of Perfect Days

Childhood
5-6 years old: the day I learned to ride a bike... metallic blue with a flag seat
7 years old: the day Daddy sat on the porch swing with me and made me be not so afraid of the lightening
9 years old: the day I was told that I could make a living, studying and forecasting the weather.

Teens
14 years old: my first kiss
17 years old: the day with the perfect bathing suit, perfect jeans, and "jet noise" t-shirt at the Air National Guard Base.

Twenties
20 years old: my first trip to a city without my folks, Toronto, learning that I did not have to follow parental rules any longer.
26 years old: listening to my plastic surgeon tell me that the cancer was gone.
27 years old: the day I got my first job in meteorology

Thirties
30 years old: The day I moved out from my ex... shopping for a twin bed and new sheets ... the light outside, the coolness, and my aching heart starting to heal.
32 years old: Hearing M.W. tell someone that this was the best year of his life (good business, great girlfriend, etc.)

I'm sure there were other days, but these are the best untainted ones.

Off to get a haircut.... let's hear it: should I post a pic???

Peace.
Dot.

It's Only Because I Know How Bad It Can Be....

Last night I kinda freaked out: M.W. has been a little different (the better kind) lately, and it freaked me out. Girls, you know what I mean -- everyone always says that if their s.o. is fooling around, that they noticed some changes before $h!7 hit the fan. His kisses seem sweeter, touches softer, and generally, all-around better.

And I was a jerk last night. After some tequila. (Does tequila do that to everyone? Either make them cuddly if with someone, or ready to fight -- or cry -- if they're alone?). He is like, the most popular person I know, and he's going out to dinner every night this week. And so I got jealous and asked him if he wanted someone else!!!! I am an idiot.

So why can't I trust?
Because of what I mentioned in the title. Essentially, I know how emotionally untrustworthy I had been before I met my ex-husband. And when things were going downhill with him, I had a number of emotional "things" (I hesitate to call them relationships, because these were not individuals I had ever met in life) with people.

Now that I am living my life 100% in the light of day... my suspicions run wild. A friend did that to me when she went legit, as well.

Let me apologize to M.W. for being a jerk. And let me say how pleased I am to be proud of my life, in front of everyone. It's a contant struggle to build up my self-esteem, knowing the place from whence I came.

But ain't we all just works in progress?

dot.

Adventures with Ms Thang

Adventures with Ms. Thang (including why she has such a low self-opinion).

In high school, they all lined up and duked it out, deciding amongst themselves, who was going to date her next. A few times, she was tricked into going out with one, by the guy whose place was after that one… just so his turn would come up sooner. Once, she skipped a guy on down the line, and he did his best to make her life a living hell for his last semester.

Something happened to Ms. Thang in college. She thought she was in love, thought she would stay in Michigan for the rest of her life. So she gave up on adventure, preferring instead, to cook meals for her groom, work to pay his way through college, and suffer through more cold winters than she could ever care to do.

Instead of a boring life, she felt like someone was standing behind her with a hot poker, threatening all kinds of pain if she didn’t get on with her life (damn it!), go back to school, get the career of her dreams, become a mommy, live on a ranch with animals for the kids… you know… the “American Dream”, as it were.

And back to school she went, so driven to do the right thing; she barely took the time to have fun! Someone inspired her to go farther from home than she ever thought possible… Well, it was a mix of cancer and someone wonderful, which helped her to realize that the world is big, but that you can always have adventures and still come home.

So she suffered through a decade of that marriage, and became what most would term a woman as the B word (she’s proud of it… because powerful men are called “respectable” so in her eyes, “Bitch” means “Respectable”). But it still hurts her feelings.

Now she’s 1500 miles away from “before” and 2000 miles away from “beginning”… but it’s close to her heart. Three things happened to Ms. Thang today, that made her wonder if she’s still “got it” like she did in school. Oh no no… she’s not interested in the line-up… but it still made her smile.

But why is she insecure? Because everyone always fails eventually… right? The fear of having faith in what she wants sometimes paralyzes her. Just today, she tried breaking out of the box, and she found out that the box had been laid in dog-poo. Great. It was counteracted by other good things, so today is a wash.

Seriously though: how does she create faith? A thought skittered across her mind:

“Friendship, Love and Fidelity”…