Eye of the Tiger

No one likes to make fun more than me. I make fun of myself... of others... of myself and others. Who cares. There was this guy I met at my old job, who wanted to be a meteorologist so bad, he had an alias that was something like "Tiger Eyez".

Because of that, I've never told anyone professionally, what I am confessing right this minute: I decided to do this in the 4th grade. The year I had Mister K. for a teacher. (If you were to fast-forward this story by 18 years, you would know that Mister K. inspired me beyond belief and I invited him to my college graduation party. He was honored, as he should be). That was also the year I decided to be a meteorologist.

Not everyone knows what it is like to wake up every morning, giddy as heck, knowing that they get to live their dream! Even though work with a no-nad Aussie and a Texan with a Napolean complex... even then, I love what I do.

So I'm sitting here groovin' to my iPod (which is the greatest invention since sliced bread), and what comes on? Eye of the Tiger. You know... the song from Rocky. Mister K. had single 45's of that, and of Glenn Campbell's Rhinestone Cowboy. Those two songs personify me. I decided what I wanted to be over those two songs, back in the 4th grade. I've been inspired, and continue to be so, because of them.

Eye of the Tiger, indeed. Evidently I'm rising up to the challenge of my rivals.

Waiting to Be Patient...

Have you ever wanted something so bad that you hurt, ache, go insane... waiting, waiting, waiting? What happens when I'm finished waiting and get everything I want? Here is my biggest fear: That I will be so hurt or angry, or both for the waiting...

that I won't want what I'm waiting for....


(It should be noted here, that I've stopped myself from having a lil' temper tantrum. On the one hand, I was acting like a child. On the other... everyone acts childish when they are in my situation.)

Oh.... so....

God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change;
courage to change the things I can;
and wisdom to know the difference.

Living one day at a time;
Enjoying one moment at a time;
Accepting hardships as the pathway to peace;
Taking, as He did, this sinful worldas it is, not as I would have it;
Trusting that He will make all things right if I surrender to His Will;
That I may be reasonably happy in this life and supremely happy with Him
Forever in the next. Amen.
--Reinhold Niebuhr

So Ms. Kitty emailed me today....

That's the catty former sis-in-law. In truth? After the great schism she said we'd always be "Sisters in Spirit" which was way better than sisters-in-law. Frankly, she was the only one that I really liked in the family, in the end. We'd sneek away from our awful m-i-l, into the woods, and smoke cigarettes. On a good night, we'd have pre-stashed a bottle of wine or other liquor. Or spiked our coffee. But we'd giggle and laugh and carry on until the boys would eventually find us. Then we would offer feeble explanations as to why we smelled like tobacco smoke (um, yeah, there was a boat that just went by on the lake, and they were smoking), while we tried to stomp out the remiander of the nearly whole cigarette that was just lit... which, if you've ever tried it with bare feet... it ain't fun.

But back to the point: Ms. Kitty's email. She said we were slipping into acquaintanceship. Mostly because the thing we were catty about was my ex's family. And she keeps telling me all of this information about my ex that I can't even get up the ire to care about... except to realize how incredibly relieved I am that I never have to put up with his stupidity -- or stank -- again.

She's right. We need to let it slip away. Can I be honest? I think it hurts more, letting a good friend go so that I can finish working through this crap... than it did to work through this crap.
Sometimes it sucks, being an adult.

The delicate balance....

Between:

Right and wrong

Sooner and later

Hurt and anger

Now and later.....


Now or never!

(Cut to clip of John Schneider a.k.a. Bo Duke, singing the Classic Elvis Prestley song).

God Grant Me the Wisdom....

Bleh.... I wish I had all of the little tokens listed in that saying. Wisdom, courage, etc.

M.W. told me yesterday, that once a week when he served in Vietnam, the chaplain would grant the troops absolution. I'm kinda wishing that I could let myself feel absolution about my past. Not that I did something so terrible.... but I can't help but wonder what my life would have been like, had I done it all right the first time.

That's not to say that I'm less happy than I've been in the past decade... because my life now is more satisfying, and my relationships are so much healthier and happier. But it's just that sickening feeling in the pit of my stomach... that I have a failure out there, and there's damn nothing that I can do about it.

So the absolution thing... you have to accept it. That's like the whole think of accepting God's forgiveness, eh? I just want to stop hurting for all of the things that I should have done better. I'm not a perfect person -- none of us are. But for some reason, my standards are so high, that no one -- not me, not M.W.... not even my Daddy can reach them.

Let me take a flying leap off of this pedastel on which I've elevated myself, and come down to mingle with the "boozsh". LOL.

I'm an idiot.