A treatise on being in love with Dave... and wanting to be Maddie
There were those special times when I was in 8th grade -- the spring, when my evil twin and I went to Washington D.C. with the school, for our field trip. Holding hands with the Billy -- make that pinkey fingers -- but never kissing, never even dating.
And then there was the night when my folks were away and me and my evil twin watched a forbidden television show, fell in love with our new t.v. boyfriend Bruce Willis... and immediately needed matching purse and pumps, just like the lovely Maddie Hayes. Hell, we wanted to be named Maddie Hayes. We wanted big curly hair, a sharp tongue, and sexy lingerie. We wanted a big house, to learn how to drink champagne, and sing caberet' in black and white. Oh, and live in a crappy apartment in the big city where some ambiguous guy ushers in the darkness with the tune of an alto sax, and we were sitting out on the fire excape, torn between the guy we know was Mister Right, and the sexy bum who stole our hearts at breakfast, on the street this morning...
Those were the days. Ones when the air was moist and cool and sweet, and the spring lasted forever. In fact, we read several books to each other that spring. One of them was the Great Gatsby. Another was called the Ordinary Princess. I decided that I was misplaced in time and for the remainder of my pre-college career, I lived and strived for knowledge about Chicago Gangsters, Flappers, I even cut my hair short... I turned Prom into a Flapper Costume and everyone thought I was insane.
But I always wanted to be Maddie Hayes, and have sharp wit and a sexy body, and then fall in love with a man and have his babies.
Wednesday, August 18, 2004
Tuesday, August 17, 2004
Decompressing, stressing, and a move...
My trip to the Diary Capital was nice -- generally in the good food, good friends sense... but specifically in the "I'm a lucky girl to have friends, family, and loved ones always thinking about me. Previously I mentioned that M. Wunderbar proclaimed radio silence on my trip. His heart broke over and over... and in turn, mine broke for him, for us, for me....
How could I be so completely selfish? Actually, when you're not thinking, it's rather a breeze. The only thing I considered when I planned my trip... was that there was no Mister Dorothy to tell me no... Not at all that there is someone at home for whom I have deep feelings and a deep respect, who could be hurt by the apparent appearance of my weekend trip.
The point in the end, was that keeping peace and trust in my relationships is of the utmost importance... and I jeopardized that big-time.
~~~
School starts next week and I just spent two long days lugging furniture out of my old apartment and into my new house. There were points when I was sad, because my old apartment was the first place that was ever all mine. No one helped me move in, no one paid the rent for me, and it was very nice to feel independent.
Exhaustion is taking me over, and I think I need to spend a while watching Cary Grant this afternoon. Sigh. My movie boyfriend.
~~~
My vacation to Madison ended with a drive to Chicago to see my sister, her husband, and my folks. Mister Wonderful sent a basket of snacks and Cokes to our hotel, and we sat around talking and laughing and eating chocolate until we were mean. It was exceedingly generous, thoughtful, and kind. Just like he, himself.
One of the reasons M.W. was so jealous of my trip, was that time was being taken from him and spent with someone he did not know, did not trust, and felt totally helpless to keep me safe from. I love that he spends time, effort, and energy on me like that. After talking extensively, I feel that we have some peace.... but I also now know the acceptable limits of contact with members of the opposite sex.
Live and Learn.
At first it really upset me that M.W. felt the way he did. Then it occured to me that I would be that angry if the situation were reversed. In fact, it could be a deal-breaker if the sitch were reversed. Look at his history. And look at mine. We don't have any reason to trust eachother... but we do because there is honesty, forthrightness, and a real want and need to have changed from the uncomfortable and untrusting past lives of which we were both a part, previously.
My mom asked if I am bringing him home for Christmas. I would like to, yes. He would like to, too. In fact, he asked yesterday if it would be premature to make a proposal... A what???? A... ahem... a proposal?
Wait and see.
How could I be so completely selfish? Actually, when you're not thinking, it's rather a breeze. The only thing I considered when I planned my trip... was that there was no Mister Dorothy to tell me no... Not at all that there is someone at home for whom I have deep feelings and a deep respect, who could be hurt by the apparent appearance of my weekend trip.
The point in the end, was that keeping peace and trust in my relationships is of the utmost importance... and I jeopardized that big-time.
~~~
School starts next week and I just spent two long days lugging furniture out of my old apartment and into my new house. There were points when I was sad, because my old apartment was the first place that was ever all mine. No one helped me move in, no one paid the rent for me, and it was very nice to feel independent.
Exhaustion is taking me over, and I think I need to spend a while watching Cary Grant this afternoon. Sigh. My movie boyfriend.
~~~
My vacation to Madison ended with a drive to Chicago to see my sister, her husband, and my folks. Mister Wonderful sent a basket of snacks and Cokes to our hotel, and we sat around talking and laughing and eating chocolate until we were mean. It was exceedingly generous, thoughtful, and kind. Just like he, himself.
One of the reasons M.W. was so jealous of my trip, was that time was being taken from him and spent with someone he did not know, did not trust, and felt totally helpless to keep me safe from. I love that he spends time, effort, and energy on me like that. After talking extensively, I feel that we have some peace.... but I also now know the acceptable limits of contact with members of the opposite sex.
Live and Learn.
At first it really upset me that M.W. felt the way he did. Then it occured to me that I would be that angry if the situation were reversed. In fact, it could be a deal-breaker if the sitch were reversed. Look at his history. And look at mine. We don't have any reason to trust eachother... but we do because there is honesty, forthrightness, and a real want and need to have changed from the uncomfortable and untrusting past lives of which we were both a part, previously.
My mom asked if I am bringing him home for Christmas. I would like to, yes. He would like to, too. In fact, he asked yesterday if it would be premature to make a proposal... A what???? A... ahem... a proposal?
Wait and see.
Friday, August 06, 2004
Trippin'...
Mister Wonderful is not pleased at my plans to spend the weekend in the nation's dairy capital... There is a "history" with my host... Not real, but imagined on my part... Imagined, I might add, at a time in my life that the only things I had were my imagination and a healthy amount of time spent emailing the free world and ignoring domestic problems.
The point is that somewhere along the line, I had developed misplaced feelings for this individual; I was over them by the time Mister Wonderful and I were an item... but unfortunately I told Mister Wonderful all about my feelings for this person before he and I were an item. Misplaced feelings, you say? Yes, I reply... misplaced in the sense that you are looking for a way out of an incredibly terrible situation in your life, and look to someone who treats you with kindness.... look to someone who you respect.... to someone who believes your pain.
So Mr. Wunderbar is breaking my heart by not allowing me to communicate with him until I get back home. That is a bit of a misnomer: he asked me not to call, but said he would not refuse a call. Text messaging is okay though. Truly I am confused because I do not understand what, other than punishment, this radio silence is accomplishing.
The point is that somewhere along the line, I had developed misplaced feelings for this individual; I was over them by the time Mister Wonderful and I were an item... but unfortunately I told Mister Wonderful all about my feelings for this person before he and I were an item. Misplaced feelings, you say? Yes, I reply... misplaced in the sense that you are looking for a way out of an incredibly terrible situation in your life, and look to someone who treats you with kindness.... look to someone who you respect.... to someone who believes your pain.
So Mr. Wunderbar is breaking my heart by not allowing me to communicate with him until I get back home. That is a bit of a misnomer: he asked me not to call, but said he would not refuse a call. Text messaging is okay though. Truly I am confused because I do not understand what, other than punishment, this radio silence is accomplishing.
Road Trip....
While examining the motivations for my current road trip, starting tonight at 7:30 PM, I have come up with the following:
It's not about where I'm going, as much as it is, that I want to go.
It's not about who I'm seeing but who I am.
and especially...
I will get to combine my trip so I can see people I love, too -- My family!!!
Some things have surfaced recently that really give me pause about taking this trip. First, that my divorce is final and I am single again. That adds volitility to my emotional life. I understand that. But I still know me. And I am firm in my beliefs, my place in life, and my loves.
Next, it should be noted here that I've always been restless. Too much time in one place makes me go crazy, as does too much time with the same people. I love my family... but I can't take my vacations to the same places every time I have time off. ** One time I was coming home from school (90 miles from home) and ended up 50 miles in the opposite direction of home before I decided to not just take off for good. If I'd had somewhere to go, then that would've been the last of me in that small town.
Anyways, the point is that I am being totally selfish here and doing something for me. I'm not sorry for going, and I'm not sorry for relaxing and having fun. I am sorry that my sweety has angst. And I'm going to miss my sweetheart who is probably hurting because of my choice. But I wish he could come with me and wish that we could talk about it in a way that he would understand.
**My mom actually told me this, but please note: this does not apply to California... I love California.
It's not about where I'm going, as much as it is, that I want to go.
It's not about who I'm seeing but who I am.
and especially...
I will get to combine my trip so I can see people I love, too -- My family!!!
Some things have surfaced recently that really give me pause about taking this trip. First, that my divorce is final and I am single again. That adds volitility to my emotional life. I understand that. But I still know me. And I am firm in my beliefs, my place in life, and my loves.
Next, it should be noted here that I've always been restless. Too much time in one place makes me go crazy, as does too much time with the same people. I love my family... but I can't take my vacations to the same places every time I have time off. ** One time I was coming home from school (90 miles from home) and ended up 50 miles in the opposite direction of home before I decided to not just take off for good. If I'd had somewhere to go, then that would've been the last of me in that small town.
Anyways, the point is that I am being totally selfish here and doing something for me. I'm not sorry for going, and I'm not sorry for relaxing and having fun. I am sorry that my sweety has angst. And I'm going to miss my sweetheart who is probably hurting because of my choice. But I wish he could come with me and wish that we could talk about it in a way that he would understand.
**My mom actually told me this, but please note: this does not apply to California... I love California.
Wednesday, August 04, 2004
Drink the Draino, you loser!!!
Seriously....
Okay, that wasn't very nice to say... but I continually fail to understand how someone can be such a shit about telling me how to do my job. Then picky-fighting about insignificant details.
People... get a freaking grip. Yes, that means me, too.
Okay, that wasn't very nice to say... but I continually fail to understand how someone can be such a shit about telling me how to do my job. Then picky-fighting about insignificant details.
People... get a freaking grip. Yes, that means me, too.
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