La da de... la da da... hmm hmmm hmmmmmmmm...
T - minus - 12 days and counting. It's the Un-marriage-o-meter! Supposed to be T - minus - 5 days... but something went screwy with his house refinance, and I can't finalize the divorce until he signs off, giving me my caish (damn-it-all... say it like I spelled it, Redneck!).
So get this: Mr. Right (right now, for certain) is coming out here from California (over 1500 miles), just to help me move into my new duplex. D-day occurs while he is here. My mother thinks I did it on purpose; I can assure you that I did not.
But since the s.t.b.x has signed the waiver for the divorce, and the only one who can un-do it now, is me... I'm going to pick up Mr. Right from the airport, looking like only the long-lost girlfriend has a right to look... like if my ex ever saw me looking like that, it was only inside the house... as though I were out to make every girl in the airport feel utter jealousy and hatred of my fair complected, coppery-blonde-ness.
Disappointing...
Met with the upper mgt. yesterday to ask for funding to attend grad school. Bon Jovi is ringing in my head "Shot Down... in a blaze of Glory."
Thursday, July 22, 2004
Friday, July 16, 2004
Right or Wrong....
I filed today. With the county clerk's office. Everything will be final on July 26th. The song rolling thru my mind when I was signing everything?
Right Or Wrong by George Strait
Right or wrong I'll always love you
Though your're gone I can't forget
Right or wrong I'll keep on dreaming
Still I wake with the same old regret
All along I knew I'd lose you
Though I prayed that you'd be true
In your heart please just remember
Right or wrong, I'm still in love with you.
What does that mean? It means I'm sorry for all of it...the good, the bad... everything. What a ride. Feelings? Yeashure.. but fading. And sad, mostly. Lots of regret. But I don't regret leaving. I don't regret filing. I do not regret that I am getting a divorce from him.
Any chance of a life we had together, he systematically destroyed in the 10 years we were married. His controlling, his refusal to use the common sense that God gave him... Get this: the other day, he told me that he gets his boss (a woman) to give him raises at the end of the year, by intimidating her, and making her cry! The horror!
At one time, I thought this behavior was agressive and even admirable. But bullying people to get your own way is not admirable. It's grossly misusing others to your own benefit.
So in fact, I am not in love with him.. but with the dreams we shared together. I am mourning the ending of something I so wholly believed in at one time, that I signed a legal document stating so. Now I am unsigning it, digengaging from it, and starting from scratch.
A better scratch than before, however.
Monday, July 12, 2004
Belonging...
So many times I wished there was something to belong to. Groups of people, ideals, morals... etc. When you feel on the outside... it's a lonely place. Recently I realized that part of that is my unwillingness to actually committ to anything.
Just got done chatting with the daugter of the man I'm dating. She's only 7 years younger than me, but a real sweetheart. We talked about her recent breakup and the break up of her folks that led to their divorce... and the breakup of my marriage that has led to my divorce. We talked about dating, dating after the breakups, dating too soon, being indiscreet, and about the fact that she was just as glad as I am, that I don't live in the same town; if I lived close, it would be near to impossilble to hold myself up to the kinds of morals which are important to me.
She really was relieved when I said that. Apparently there's a double-standard that lots of people hold, regarding people having relationships after a divorce. I held that myself, until I realized that I was just living by someone else's rules and not my own. When I stopped living by someone else's rules... my life because infinitely more satisfying and happy.
Caution: religious opinions contained below.
In church last week, we had a special guest, David Edwards. He spoke regarding the message of his book called Lit. I suggest it to everyone who struggles with the meaning of their religion.
Only my mom knows the extent to which I lost my religion some years back. I refused to go to church or participate in anything because I did not like people who were liars about who they were at church versus who they were in life. Consistency, people!
Anyways, the point is that God's grace in my life is something that never occured to me until this very low point in my life. My attitude is reversed 100% and I could not be happier regarding the direction that my mind is moving now. Sigh. How luck could this girl be?
Luck has nothing to do with it. It's all from God.
Thanks for the blessings.
Just got done chatting with the daugter of the man I'm dating. She's only 7 years younger than me, but a real sweetheart. We talked about her recent breakup and the break up of her folks that led to their divorce... and the breakup of my marriage that has led to my divorce. We talked about dating, dating after the breakups, dating too soon, being indiscreet, and about the fact that she was just as glad as I am, that I don't live in the same town; if I lived close, it would be near to impossilble to hold myself up to the kinds of morals which are important to me.
She really was relieved when I said that. Apparently there's a double-standard that lots of people hold, regarding people having relationships after a divorce. I held that myself, until I realized that I was just living by someone else's rules and not my own. When I stopped living by someone else's rules... my life because infinitely more satisfying and happy.
Caution: religious opinions contained below.
In church last week, we had a special guest, David Edwards. He spoke regarding the message of his book called Lit. I suggest it to everyone who struggles with the meaning of their religion.
Only my mom knows the extent to which I lost my religion some years back. I refused to go to church or participate in anything because I did not like people who were liars about who they were at church versus who they were in life. Consistency, people!
Anyways, the point is that God's grace in my life is something that never occured to me until this very low point in my life. My attitude is reversed 100% and I could not be happier regarding the direction that my mind is moving now. Sigh. How luck could this girl be?
Luck has nothing to do with it. It's all from God.
Thanks for the blessings.
Saturday, July 10, 2004
"Making your way" sounds easier than it is...
And it is. Seems I've gotten really good at going where no divorced 31-year-old female scientist has gone before. Doing my own divorce, negotiating with the ex, filling out the paperwork. Deciding that what my company lacked, was an entirely new angle of dealing with the client/ops liason, and deciding to go back to school in order to learn how to tackle that issue.. complete with helping the company to understand that this is what they really need.
My mom once asked why I make things hard on myself. Simply put: because if I didn't work hard for them, I wouldn't appreciate them, silly. If relationships were easy, then everyone would take them for granted. My marriage was hard, and I thought it was supposed to be... so I just accepted it. Until I started wishing he was dead. Or worse, me.
There has been some sadness in my life lately when I start to realize that I am really getting past that. There is no going back, no going home. I am happy in my relationships and happy in my heart, that there is freedom from someone who put me thru misery. However the little drag-down I'm feeling these days is minimal, and I realize it's part of my life now.
Stressful times, but my guy friend is coming to visit 3 weeks and 14 hours from now. SIGH! The next week, I'm going to visit a good buddy in Wisconsin. Don't say I don't get around on my vacations!
And... I'm moving in a another friend. We're sharing a duplex. I think it's going to be great having a roommate -- even the bickering, quarreling, him eating my good ice-cream. Me drinking his good wine.
The Indent Is Gone!
... the indent on my left hand, where my wedding ring used to live. No one noticed at all... but I went from wearing 4 rings (wedding band, engagement ring, plain gold band, and ruby ring) and matching gold jewelry every day... to wearing nothing, or else small silver pieces.
Nothing is the same. Not the way I looked at the world when I was almost 21, nor the way the world actually is, when I'm 31. My tastes are different, and I take much better care of myself with the long-run in view. The very first day of my blog, I said "Things are going to be okay... I just know they are"... I still mean that.
My mom once asked why I make things hard on myself. Simply put: because if I didn't work hard for them, I wouldn't appreciate them, silly. If relationships were easy, then everyone would take them for granted. My marriage was hard, and I thought it was supposed to be... so I just accepted it. Until I started wishing he was dead. Or worse, me.
There has been some sadness in my life lately when I start to realize that I am really getting past that. There is no going back, no going home. I am happy in my relationships and happy in my heart, that there is freedom from someone who put me thru misery. However the little drag-down I'm feeling these days is minimal, and I realize it's part of my life now.
Stressful times, but my guy friend is coming to visit 3 weeks and 14 hours from now. SIGH! The next week, I'm going to visit a good buddy in Wisconsin. Don't say I don't get around on my vacations!
And... I'm moving in a another friend. We're sharing a duplex. I think it's going to be great having a roommate -- even the bickering, quarreling, him eating my good ice-cream. Me drinking his good wine.
The Indent Is Gone!
... the indent on my left hand, where my wedding ring used to live. No one noticed at all... but I went from wearing 4 rings (wedding band, engagement ring, plain gold band, and ruby ring) and matching gold jewelry every day... to wearing nothing, or else small silver pieces.
Nothing is the same. Not the way I looked at the world when I was almost 21, nor the way the world actually is, when I'm 31. My tastes are different, and I take much better care of myself with the long-run in view. The very first day of my blog, I said "Things are going to be okay... I just know they are"... I still mean that.
Friday, July 02, 2004
Being There
When I have a story that I feel is amusing, but it's not appreciated fully... someone always says "Guess you had to be there". Which is true; if they'd been there, it would've been funny. The same goes for loved ones as you feel like you love them better when you are there with them in your arms.
The happiest thing in the world to me is waking up and realizing my mom is home in the middle of the afternoon. (Been on overnights this week). We chatted and talked, talked and chatted. She told me that she supports me no matter what. I told her that I love her no matter what. How could a girl get so lucky?
My relationship with my mom had been really rocky for years, and was finally starting to repair when my marriage went topsy-turvy. I thought she would disown me for getting a divorce. But she is my staunchest supporter and still my biggest fan.
I want her to meet my new guy friend. He reminds me so much of her (very similar likes and dislikes, traditional values, etc.) and I want my mom to know that I am safer and happier than I've been in years.
The happiest thing in the world to me is waking up and realizing my mom is home in the middle of the afternoon. (Been on overnights this week). We chatted and talked, talked and chatted. She told me that she supports me no matter what. I told her that I love her no matter what. How could a girl get so lucky?
My relationship with my mom had been really rocky for years, and was finally starting to repair when my marriage went topsy-turvy. I thought she would disown me for getting a divorce. But she is my staunchest supporter and still my biggest fan.
I want her to meet my new guy friend. He reminds me so much of her (very similar likes and dislikes, traditional values, etc.) and I want my mom to know that I am safer and happier than I've been in years.
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