Addicted to love

I am reading a new book from my therapist. It's called "What Smart Women Know"... The authors talk about a relationship or a marriage like mine was.

I DIDN'T KNOW IT WAS THAT BAD.

The book called relationships like mine, an addiction. ADDICTED? Like a drug. Me.

IS THAT WHY IS STILL HURTS SO BAD?

Yes. Some days are good, and others are bad. Days like today, when I'm already worn down from the office are rough. I almost just called him. Why? Because I don't know how to not do it.

IF I CALLED HIM, HE WOULD NOT TALK...

And what am I trying to accomplish, anyways? It would just make him think I wanted him back. And I don't want him back.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT I WANT...

I don't know if I'm really moving ahead, or just pretending that I'm ahead. I'm a really bad friend to my friends (not always there), a really bad sister and daughter to my sister and mother, and a bad choice for a girlfriend, let alone a lifemate, for any man who would be interested in seeing more of me.

WHY ?

Why... I want to find meaing in a meaningless world. Nothing means anything and I can't believe anyone would ever want me to talk aloud. What did I ever do to have to hurt like this? Why can't I just get over it and stop crying?

Maybe I was a bitch, but I didn't really think I was that bad. I'm sorry. To God, My soon to be Ex... I'm sorry to everyone.

It's like with a few minutes alone, the tears start to fall, and then I'm a wreck. If I can keep talking to someone who'll pull me out of my tree... then I'm okay. But leave me alone and it's a total disaster.

I hate this pain. I want to feel better. I want to feel worthy of the wonderful trappings of life that I have. I want to feel like I've earned the love of my family and friend, lovers and coworkers. I want to accomplish many meaninful things in my life. I want to stop hurting.

God, can you hear me?

Closing a window -- Opening a door

No OU Meteorology Grad School -- Yes OU Industrial Engineering Grad School

No Husband -- Yes Single Girl

No Big Empty House -- Yes Small Cozy Apartment

No more trying -- Yes I'm really leaving

No Hello -- Yes Goodbye

Yeah... that's how I did it...

To my soon-to-be-ex:

Not that I always need the final word -- I just come up with so much stuff that I wanted to say to you before I left. I, by the way, am leaving with my head quite high. I'd like to apologize for the times you thought I was uncompromising... but that was just me wanting the best for you and for us. Live with it.

Another song for you... by Frank Sinatra.

And now, the end is near;
And so I face the final curtain.
My friend, I'll say it clear,
I'll state my case, of which I'm certain.

I've lived a life that's full.
I've traveled each and ev'ry highway;
And more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Regrets, I've had a few;
But then again, too few to mention.
I did what I had to do
And saw it through without exemption.

I planned each charted course;
Each careful step along the byway,
But more, much more than this,
I did it my way.

Yes, there were times, I'm sure you knew
When I bit off more than I could chew.
But through it all, when there was doubt,
I ate it up and spit it out.
I faced it all and I stood tall;
And did it my way.

I've loved, I've laughed and cried.
I've had my fill; my share of losing.
And now, as tears subside,
I find it all so amusing.

To think I did all that;
And may I say - not in a shy way,
"No, oh no not me,
I did it my way".

For what is a man, what has he got?
If not himself, then he has naught.
To say the things he truly feels;
And not the words of one who kneels.
The record shows I took the blows -
And did it my way!

Moving onward, moving upward....

So there's this friend in my life. A guy friend. I don't feel crazy around him, and I don't feel desperate. I don't have to try to get his attention. I do feel calm, sane, and always seem to be trying to keep up with his quick mind and funny humour. He makes me laugh... and he thinks I'm funny too.

Our friendship is far from standard -- he's much older than I. However, I feel natural and at ease in his presence. Not that I'm officially dating anyone at this point in time.... but if I was dating... I would be dating him.

There is a time and a place for that line of thinking. That time is not now, and that place is not in the central and southern Plains. I have a lot of things to get over/thru until that happens. But I feel like I just got over the big hump... the one where I know that there's not only no going back... but in order to have a life, I have to move forward, too.

Hurt is the word... but why? What did I *really* expect?

Talking to my mom last night, she mentioned that my soon-to-be-ex tried harder to re-gain his firearms, than to re-gain me. Do not get me wrong: I did not want him back. But I wanted him to try.. .to at least try... thereby showing that our relationship wasn't totally meaningless toward me.

The office manager locked the door yesterday -- he had his hearing for his beloved guns. This horror story kept playing in my mind.... one where he burst through the front door and said I was going to be sorry that I left him... ending wit him shooting me down. The alternative, was that if the courts kept his guns... he would burst in and hurt me physically. I can't explain the horror of watching all around when you are leaving and entering a building... thinking you could be assaulted or sniped at.

Yes... you read my mind: I am bugging out of town for the weekend.