Hey you... I'm not angry. I'm still hurting, but I think about what we had and how it all went wrong. I heard this song and I hope that one day you see things this way.
Artist: Clint Black
Song: A Better Man
What do you say when it's over
I don't know if I should say anything at all
One day we're rollin' in the clover
Next thing you know we take the fall
Still, I think about the years since I first met you
And the way it might have been without you here
And I don't know if words from me can still upset you
But I've just gotta make this memory stand clear
I know I'm leavin' here a better man
For knowin' you this way
Things I couldn't do before, now I think I can
And I'm leavin here a better man
I guess I always knew I couldn't hold you
But I'd never be the one to set you free
Just like some old nursery rhyme your mama told you
You still believe in some old meant-to-be
Still I'm leavin' here a better man
For knowin' you this way
Things I couldn't do before, now I think I can
And I'm leavin' here a better man
Yes I'm leavin' here a better man
For knowin' you this way
Things I couldn't do before, now I know I can
And I'm leavin' here a better man
Yes I'm leavin' here a better man
Friday, April 16, 2004
Thursday, April 15, 2004
Barely Perceptable....
... but a change is in the air. Something has been happening to me and I feel a bit stronger. For those who speak with me on a regular basis... you know that my strength is often a fascade. A dear friend once likened it to being a common house-fly, bumbling around in a butterfly suit. That's never been more true. Coworkers, even former friends see a reasonably self-assured woman who is not especially worried about her future -- they see Supergirl who is fearless. Wonder-woman whose strength is endless. In actuality... some days I am that. And some days I feel like I'm one tooth-pick short of collapsing.
However, recently I'm not so weak. Even when I cry, there is an assurance that things are going to get better. Whilst snoozing yesterday afternoon, I felt myself drift into a sort of lucid dreaming, where I was just thinking about all of the shit I'd been through recently.... Hot tears stung my eyes and cheeks... I knew I was still sleeping, but I didn't feel so bad about it all.
A good friend mentioned once that the filing for divorce is closure... not the thing that wounds so much... So I'm looking for the pain to become less...
Damn. I've been on nights again... and even though I slept adequately.... my eyes are closing. It's a crappy feeling.
However, recently I'm not so weak. Even when I cry, there is an assurance that things are going to get better. Whilst snoozing yesterday afternoon, I felt myself drift into a sort of lucid dreaming, where I was just thinking about all of the shit I'd been through recently.... Hot tears stung my eyes and cheeks... I knew I was still sleeping, but I didn't feel so bad about it all.
A good friend mentioned once that the filing for divorce is closure... not the thing that wounds so much... So I'm looking for the pain to become less...
Damn. I've been on nights again... and even though I slept adequately.... my eyes are closing. It's a crappy feeling.
Wednesday, April 14, 2004
The People You Know....
(beware -- parts of this posting were taking from an email which I just sent)
Or do you??? So I was walking thru the airport the other day (actually, it was about two weeks ago now, as my laptop keeps crashing when I go to write this).... anyways... there was this dude on my flight whose t-shirt says "Grouch" on the back of it. Was it? Could it be? Nah. I was just a little to shy to go up and ask. Besides.. how would I ask? "Um... are you? Do you go by...? Could you be considered... Mishtah Groucthy-panths?" Hahaha.... Instead, I relaxed and tried not to feel bad that just 5 hours previous, I was in sunny California -- first vacation I've taken in 6 years. Ho hum.
Well all is going mainly fabu here in the land of tornadoes and ruby-red slippers. I'm entering the final days of dividing my posessions from my spouse's and.... once I file for divorce, it only takes 10 days since we have no children. Ten days is all it takes to dissolve 10 years of marriage. Somehow, I think that's too short a time. Not that I want it to take extra long... but damn... that's like... just 10 days. There is, however, a caveat: if I co-habitate with a man, or get married in the next 6 months (shuh! yeah! riiiight....) it's considered bigamy!
In life, we never know what is going to happen, when. At the tendre age of 20, I thought I was mature enough to realize the love of my life... that marriage would not be my ruin. Actually it wasn't that bad a choice. How was I to know that I would continue to change and evolve, and that he would not further his emotional evolvement past the third grade? Thing is, I broke up with another dude to go out with my husband. I needed to break up with that dude and be alone for a while. Instead, I waited until I found someone new. "Hello Joelle, grow some cajones and be alone for a change. It ain't gonna kill ya!" And I mis-took the firework-y roller-coaster ride for true love.
Well let me tell ya... in spending time with a guy friend in California, I realize that my marital relationship was seriously messed up. Non-communicative, non-responsive, asexual. On vacation I went out with my friend and it was just totally relaxed and as normal as one could want it to be. I felt as good as... or even better than... hanging out a) alone at Starbux or b) with a girlfriend. I discussed my feelings with my counselor... who said that's dating at its best -- not intending anything more than hanging and getting to know someone. Who.. wha? Me? Dating? Well How-de-do! So I guess *I'm kinda sorta dating..
*But I still need space. Just as there was no graceful way of ending my marriage... there is certainly no graceful way of entering back into the realm of dating again.
So that's my life in a nutshell... tell me what's new in yours?
Or do you??? So I was walking thru the airport the other day (actually, it was about two weeks ago now, as my laptop keeps crashing when I go to write this).... anyways... there was this dude on my flight whose t-shirt says "Grouch" on the back of it. Was it? Could it be? Nah. I was just a little to shy to go up and ask. Besides.. how would I ask? "Um... are you? Do you go by...? Could you be considered... Mishtah Groucthy-panths?" Hahaha.... Instead, I relaxed and tried not to feel bad that just 5 hours previous, I was in sunny California -- first vacation I've taken in 6 years. Ho hum.
Well all is going mainly fabu here in the land of tornadoes and ruby-red slippers. I'm entering the final days of dividing my posessions from my spouse's and.... once I file for divorce, it only takes 10 days since we have no children. Ten days is all it takes to dissolve 10 years of marriage. Somehow, I think that's too short a time. Not that I want it to take extra long... but damn... that's like... just 10 days. There is, however, a caveat: if I co-habitate with a man, or get married in the next 6 months (shuh! yeah! riiiight....) it's considered bigamy!
In life, we never know what is going to happen, when. At the tendre age of 20, I thought I was mature enough to realize the love of my life... that marriage would not be my ruin. Actually it wasn't that bad a choice. How was I to know that I would continue to change and evolve, and that he would not further his emotional evolvement past the third grade? Thing is, I broke up with another dude to go out with my husband. I needed to break up with that dude and be alone for a while. Instead, I waited until I found someone new. "Hello Joelle, grow some cajones and be alone for a change. It ain't gonna kill ya!" And I mis-took the firework-y roller-coaster ride for true love.
Well let me tell ya... in spending time with a guy friend in California, I realize that my marital relationship was seriously messed up. Non-communicative, non-responsive, asexual. On vacation I went out with my friend and it was just totally relaxed and as normal as one could want it to be. I felt as good as... or even better than... hanging out a) alone at Starbux or b) with a girlfriend. I discussed my feelings with my counselor... who said that's dating at its best -- not intending anything more than hanging and getting to know someone. Who.. wha? Me? Dating? Well How-de-do! So I guess *I'm kinda sorta dating..
*But I still need space. Just as there was no graceful way of ending my marriage... there is certainly no graceful way of entering back into the realm of dating again.
So that's my life in a nutshell... tell me what's new in yours?
Friday, April 09, 2004
Saturday, April 03, 2004
Don't I know it's early for this kind of talk...
But what the dang-it-all heck? Here is the first installment of my list, for the next gift-giving Holiday. Traditionally we Midwestern-folk might call it a Christmas List... but who knows what other kinds of Holidays are out there, that I never even realized? Share your holiday with me... send prezents... Ha ha!
So my good buddy in California taught me how to play backgammon whilst I was on vacation. At the toy store, there was a little travel backgammon set, which I now covet. Yes, fellow Christian Soldiers, I understand fully the weight of my words. Can anyone imagine breaking a Commandment just for a tiny purse-sized, handled and zippered, box of strategy-and-glee? Well yes my fine furry friends.... Indeed I have broken commandment #10 (and although a travel-backgammon set is not my neighbor's wife... if it *was* my neighbor's wife, I would covet it... so I'm guilty).
Can you imagine me (speaker-out-er against online game-playing, chatting with those I don't know), furtively waiting for an opponent in Social Lounge 8 on Yahoo? It's disgusting. My buddy's workplace is such that he can-nae play at the office. Suck-a-ledge. So I'm wholly leaping into my new passion, by reading everything ever written on the subject. (Anyone ever pick up a book on the "sport"? Dry reading, but if you use your pea-brain, it's amazing the things you can learn and imagine and ! stra-TEE-gee).
Much ado about some things....
Item #1 on my list, is this.. and item #2 is this....
So my good buddy in California taught me how to play backgammon whilst I was on vacation. At the toy store, there was a little travel backgammon set, which I now covet. Yes, fellow Christian Soldiers, I understand fully the weight of my words. Can anyone imagine breaking a Commandment just for a tiny purse-sized, handled and zippered, box of strategy-and-glee? Well yes my fine furry friends.... Indeed I have broken commandment #10 (and although a travel-backgammon set is not my neighbor's wife... if it *was* my neighbor's wife, I would covet it... so I'm guilty).
Can you imagine me (speaker-out-er against online game-playing, chatting with those I don't know), furtively waiting for an opponent in Social Lounge 8 on Yahoo? It's disgusting. My buddy's workplace is such that he can-nae play at the office. Suck-a-ledge. So I'm wholly leaping into my new passion, by reading everything ever written on the subject. (Anyone ever pick up a book on the "sport"? Dry reading, but if you use your pea-brain, it's amazing the things you can learn and imagine and ! stra-TEE-gee).
Much ado about some things....
Item #1 on my list, is this.. and item #2 is this....
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