1) Dang it, I'm busy. And tired.
2) Mom and Dad are flying in tonight for the upcoming week.
3) My treatment of my S.T.B.X. through the first half of our marriage (when I was still fighting for it).
4) My trip to SFO in March.
5) Filing for Divorce.
6) God's Mercy and Forgiveness -- not just for the "perfect" people, but especially for us sinners.
7) Self-righteous individuals who try to control us in our lives... and how we can disengage from caring about that.
8) Self-righteous individuals who try to blackmail you when their old tactics do not work.
There is my list to tackle here this week while I'm on vacation with my folks. I have a lot to say about my marriage, but the details are still very sensitive, and I've chosen another (private) blog to spill my thoughts there.
Saturday, February 14, 2004
Saturday, February 07, 2004
Driving by my house... but it wasn't really my house
On my way home from Vacation, I had to drive one hour farther than I used to have to drive. I wanted to stop in and be there and I wanted it to be my house again. I cried. I was angry. But I didn't go there. I wanted to snuggle up with my dog... I wanted to snuggle up on my old bed. We had a queen size tempurpedic bed.
The other day I was talking to my s.t.b.x. (soon to be ex) and he said he was watching t.v. in bed. I loved watching t.v. in bed. I miss that damn bed. It was warm and lovely -- I bought expensive linens for it at discount prices (I am most proud of the stark white 340 thread count all-cotton Tommy Hilfiger sheets that were over $100 originally... that I got for $30)... I made it my sanctuary. In fact, the entire bedroom was my creation, my sanctuary. White trim, a blue Amish style quilt, chrome and porcelain knobs on everything. I spent so much time in there, alone, that I wanted it to be my haven. And it was.
My heart is aching for the things I had to give up, in order to keep my sanity. I know, I know... in the big picture, it's just stuff. But in my heart... all of that stuff was a reflection of me. :(
The other day I was talking to my s.t.b.x. (soon to be ex) and he said he was watching t.v. in bed. I loved watching t.v. in bed. I miss that damn bed. It was warm and lovely -- I bought expensive linens for it at discount prices (I am most proud of the stark white 340 thread count all-cotton Tommy Hilfiger sheets that were over $100 originally... that I got for $30)... I made it my sanctuary. In fact, the entire bedroom was my creation, my sanctuary. White trim, a blue Amish style quilt, chrome and porcelain knobs on everything. I spent so much time in there, alone, that I wanted it to be my haven. And it was.
My heart is aching for the things I had to give up, in order to keep my sanity. I know, I know... in the big picture, it's just stuff. But in my heart... all of that stuff was a reflection of me. :(
Timing is Everything
Can you imagine the greiving that one goes through when a relationship ends? I talked with a guy at the office yesterday, who I learned is divorced. He told me that it changes you forever.... Been two years for him, and he's just now starting to emerge from the depression. He has a girlfriend back in Colorado... but they've both been there and don't want to get into it again.
In my life, I've never felt so guilty. Guilty for a relationship that spun out of control, and guily that I could not singlehandedly fix it. Guilty for not being able to convince my mentally disturbed spouse that he needed help, and NOW, and guilty for not "talking about it with someone", reminds my dear mother.
On the brighter side, I am starting to feel human again from my post-vacation illness. However it happened at 3 AM and now I'm wide awake, with the midnight editor quipping at my heels to get some things off my chest. I should say Midnight Editor... since He really is the one who calls the shots.
Let's talk about timing.
My brother and I were very close, growing up. We shared a dating philosophy that included the mantra "Why get rid of the old car before you get a new one?" Later, I have learned that others call this philosophy the Monkey Bar syndrome -- that one is afraid to leave their current situation and possibly fall to the bottom ... so they grab onto the next rung and hold on, through good and bad... maybe even especially when they should not have held on.
Looking back in my life, I can see that I have had a series of "emotional crutches" along the way. That is not bad. I will never say that is bad. When the alternative is spinning out of control... and you don't know where you are anyways... the people that I have leaned on for support are generally true friends of my own choosing. But oh, my spouse always thought they were terrible. See, I work in a male-dominated field. The odd person would chat with me about this thing or that thing... and there I would be, with an all-new confidant. There was never an affair. In the end... that is what I can say Babe, I loved with my heart and soul. I promised to never cheat, and I didn't. But you abandoned me somewhere along the track, and left my heart -- not to mention our love -- in the dusty and hot sun, to wither and die. But he always thought I was inappropriately engaged with my friends. In the name of being a Good Christian, he asked me over and over again to have a "chat" with my friends and then pull back. Let them know exactly that my husband did not approve of our friendliness, and then move on. Way to mark his territory -- he shoulda just pissed on me.
Part of my codependency was that I gave him ultimate authority to veto with whom I spent my time. I would ask persmission... presumably out of respect for him. But I knew what it was: an attempt to appease him and still get my own way. If I could circumvent him throwing a tantrum or ignoring me for a week (as was his typical behaviour when he was angry with me for hanging with a dear friend), I would try anything.... but nothing ever worked. My mentor calls his actions "stamp collecting" because at the time of the incident, everything is appearingly finished. Then, later on at the convenience of my flawed spouse (this is in no way to mean that I am flawless... I am referring to this in the "character flaw" sense)... he would trot out his collection of things I'd done to displease him, and stick it to me.
This is hurting my current relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Why? Because when things go too good for a period of time, I mistrust them. Talk about the ultimate controller's fantasy! He is no longer here and the relic of my 10 year marriage is that I now believe that the people who love me most are just waiting for me to trust them and then they will hurt me. It's not their fault, but I sometimes treat them like it is. Sorry 'bout that.
In my life, I've never felt so guilty. Guilty for a relationship that spun out of control, and guily that I could not singlehandedly fix it. Guilty for not being able to convince my mentally disturbed spouse that he needed help, and NOW, and guilty for not "talking about it with someone", reminds my dear mother.
On the brighter side, I am starting to feel human again from my post-vacation illness. However it happened at 3 AM and now I'm wide awake, with the midnight editor quipping at my heels to get some things off my chest. I should say Midnight Editor... since He really is the one who calls the shots.
Let's talk about timing.
My brother and I were very close, growing up. We shared a dating philosophy that included the mantra "Why get rid of the old car before you get a new one?" Later, I have learned that others call this philosophy the Monkey Bar syndrome -- that one is afraid to leave their current situation and possibly fall to the bottom ... so they grab onto the next rung and hold on, through good and bad... maybe even especially when they should not have held on.
Looking back in my life, I can see that I have had a series of "emotional crutches" along the way. That is not bad. I will never say that is bad. When the alternative is spinning out of control... and you don't know where you are anyways... the people that I have leaned on for support are generally true friends of my own choosing. But oh, my spouse always thought they were terrible. See, I work in a male-dominated field. The odd person would chat with me about this thing or that thing... and there I would be, with an all-new confidant. There was never an affair. In the end... that is what I can say Babe, I loved with my heart and soul. I promised to never cheat, and I didn't. But you abandoned me somewhere along the track, and left my heart -- not to mention our love -- in the dusty and hot sun, to wither and die. But he always thought I was inappropriately engaged with my friends. In the name of being a Good Christian, he asked me over and over again to have a "chat" with my friends and then pull back. Let them know exactly that my husband did not approve of our friendliness, and then move on. Way to mark his territory -- he shoulda just pissed on me.
Part of my codependency was that I gave him ultimate authority to veto with whom I spent my time. I would ask persmission... presumably out of respect for him. But I knew what it was: an attempt to appease him and still get my own way. If I could circumvent him throwing a tantrum or ignoring me for a week (as was his typical behaviour when he was angry with me for hanging with a dear friend), I would try anything.... but nothing ever worked. My mentor calls his actions "stamp collecting" because at the time of the incident, everything is appearingly finished. Then, later on at the convenience of my flawed spouse (this is in no way to mean that I am flawless... I am referring to this in the "character flaw" sense)... he would trot out his collection of things I'd done to displease him, and stick it to me.
This is hurting my current relationships with friends, family, and loved ones. Why? Because when things go too good for a period of time, I mistrust them. Talk about the ultimate controller's fantasy! He is no longer here and the relic of my 10 year marriage is that I now believe that the people who love me most are just waiting for me to trust them and then they will hurt me. It's not their fault, but I sometimes treat them like it is. Sorry 'bout that.
Tuesday, February 03, 2004
It's sad... it's too bad...
Yesterday I found out that an old acquaintance of mine... my age... died over the weekend. Its always funny when it's someone who caused you controversy in life.... do you feel relief? Anger that you never got over whatever it was, and now can't tell them to their face? That seems like a hell of an attitude, but this isn't the first time I've been in this situation.
Immediately now, I'm wracked with guild for feeling the above... but in life, this person created complicated situations. His wife made my life all but intolerable at work. They were both my bosses.... My soon to be former spouse was pretty good friends with the guy since we all worked together, and the wife always fawned all over my guy. She pissed me off. OMG.. I just had a funny thought -- wouldn't it be hysterical if my "ex" sent his concolonces and ended up with her? I wouldn't like that... but maybe he would? Gross.
Immediately now, I'm wracked with guild for feeling the above... but in life, this person created complicated situations. His wife made my life all but intolerable at work. They were both my bosses.... My soon to be former spouse was pretty good friends with the guy since we all worked together, and the wife always fawned all over my guy. She pissed me off. OMG.. I just had a funny thought -- wouldn't it be hysterical if my "ex" sent his concolonces and ended up with her? I wouldn't like that... but maybe he would? Gross.
Back From the Frozen White North
But alas, it's true... every vacation has to end. Mine is peculiar -- of course I wouldn't be me unless I got sick at the end of my vacation... my neck feels like there is an 18-wheeler truck invading the right side of it. Fancy this: I was getting ahead of me before I left, and made a doctor's appointment FOR THAT VERY REASON! Yay me! Hehe...
So my sister was woefully disappointed at my return. She was expecting to meet me in St. Louis last weekend... it was our birthday. But I surprised her. It was fun for me, but she's sworn everyone to never lie to her again... ever. Whatever. We didn't lie to hurt... just to try to make a nice birthday surprise. And it turned to heck on us.
My mom told me that I'm a bigger woman than she is. Since she's lost almost 40 lbs., I'm starting to suspect that's true. *Yay Mom*. It's actually because I am not harbouring anger or resentment against my dear co-monozygote half for her sometimes controlling, sometimes downright bitchy attitude toward her childish and impish views of the world. She thinks she got a bum rap but what she fails to notice is that in life, one makes one's own luck. Dang it... she's seen me do it enough times... perhaps I make it look too easy?
Well, I'm still on eastern standard time, and I could not sleep... but I'm yawning again... so I'll just power down my new DSL service (Ba da da Dah da... I'm lovin' it!)
So my sister was woefully disappointed at my return. She was expecting to meet me in St. Louis last weekend... it was our birthday. But I surprised her. It was fun for me, but she's sworn everyone to never lie to her again... ever. Whatever. We didn't lie to hurt... just to try to make a nice birthday surprise. And it turned to heck on us.
My mom told me that I'm a bigger woman than she is. Since she's lost almost 40 lbs., I'm starting to suspect that's true. *Yay Mom*. It's actually because I am not harbouring anger or resentment against my dear co-monozygote half for her sometimes controlling, sometimes downright bitchy attitude toward her childish and impish views of the world. She thinks she got a bum rap but what she fails to notice is that in life, one makes one's own luck. Dang it... she's seen me do it enough times... perhaps I make it look too easy?
Well, I'm still on eastern standard time, and I could not sleep... but I'm yawning again... so I'll just power down my new DSL service (Ba da da Dah da... I'm lovin' it!)
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
