Coming out of the Dark

There have been a number of sketchy times in my past - all before I began this blog - where I thought my life was so dark. Sometimes, like preparations for the Jewish Seder, I get on the floor with a candle and a feather .... the floor of my brain, the floor of my heart.... and clean. Shining a light on the problems to sweep away the cob-webs is an incredibly important aspect for me to continue to grow in the light, in the love that is now my life.

Othello is leaving for Japan on Saturday. Guess what? I am not nervous or scared for him, nor for myself that either of us with do something against the lovely relationship that we have going. Sigh. It's good. It's really good!

Dot.

Cut Them Straings... or Wash that Man Right Out of My Hair ... or Would that I Could Have Been A Gold-digger!

M.W.... you know... my "old" old boyfriend? He is newly engaged and he still will not stop calling me! It's true that we work in the same business and sometimes have professional interests that are the same. But he calls me when he's bored, when he's alone, when his precious affianced is not there? What would dear Susan think of her hub-t0-be calling his ex all of the time?

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Plus, I just don't want to hear the crap he's peddling. It does me no good in life to know that he still looks back fondly on our relationship. What I think now is what I feared then: that I was just a cheap piece of arm-candy for an old man to enjoy. Seriously... this girlfriend didn't get what she signed up for... not even close. So if I had a wish to go back in time... I'd have accepted the trips, the jewelry, the dinners, the gifts.

See, my entire goal was to be a good wife-to-be. And when I look back and see that he and his friends were either laughing at me for being such an easy catch for an old guy who wasn't planning on giving me anything... or else that by being amicable, I edged myself right out of the picture... I shoulda been a gold-digger.

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Oh, back to the point: I am so sick of his bull..... that I changed my cell phone number so that he can no longer reach me by phone, and so that I don't have to turn off my phone when I'm with Othello, in fear that M.W. is going to call, or worse yet... go off about the past again.

Give Until it Hurts

Othello was knocked off his socks last night when I presented his Valentine's gift a few hours early. The object does not matter; it was something that he desperately wanted and was completely surprised by receiving before his birthday. He thought it was too expensive to receive any other time.

He is always concerned about my finances, and it's so sweet. But I've always been one with the school of thought that a person with lots of money has nothing more valuable to give than their time and effort: I made his card with tape and scissors. And I gave until it hurt.

I guess that to me, it doesn't mean a whole heck of a lot unless I feel it too.

That's really a problem with a lot of people I know... they skate by on the bare minimum and then wonder why they don't feel anything in their lives. You have to get wrapped up in it in order to feel it!

Don't tell Othello... but beyond loving him infinitely, I'm really starting to feel the tide of love washing me under. Letting go of old fears and starting a new era of trust and emotional sharing...
Getting that good googly feeling of being together. But it scares him, so I'm still on the D.L. :-)

Happy V-day!

Dot.

My Little Stalker.... or Staying out of the Rain!

On my walk home from work tonight, I committed a faux pas of tiny proportions: talking on my cell phone for two of the three-block stretch.

Picture it: my town, downtown, in the rain. It's nearing dusk. Trudge trudge trudge... Carrying my open golf-sized umbrella. What's that!!! Is someone following me?

I turn halfway around and listen while still talking to my doctor's office on my cell. Nuthin. Okay... trudge trudge trudge... "Goodbye Dr. Ben".... Now wait a second.... I think there *is* someone following me! Turn all the way around and stop.

A little man about 5'2" was standing there, staring up at me. "WHUT!" he said, "Can't blame a guy for tryin' to stay out of the rain!!!" Then he just stalked off into the sunset, as it were.

Hahahahahahahahahaha ha! The man of minuscule proportions was sharing my umbrella with me.

Not sure why, but it's pretty darn funny!

Dot.

A New "old" Love Song

In the past few weeks I've been dealing with trying to figure out what's going on in my romantic life. Dating a man who's become my very best friend in so many respects, who's become my partner in many recreational endeavors.... The thing that causes concern is that we are both very protective of our hearts - we don't want to let the other one inside...

I found that 1980s love songs seem to say a lot of what I need to say about my dear Othello. For instance, 'mode has a song called Somebody, which is adequate. When in Rome's "The Promise"....

Anyhow, I want to shout from the roof-tops, that I want to fall in googly-woogly love with my man. But until then, we'll enjoy the best that bestest friends have to offer.

Buena Sera

My birthday weekend consisted of snowboarding. It was such a blast! Plus I got new boots. Wahoo. And a helmet.

Monday came and went with work, school, a dozen roses, and the best Italian food I've had since moving to California. (This place, with the exception of North Beach in SF, is not known for their Italian food).

Anyways.... that's about it. Confusing time in a new relationship. To love or let myself love? That is the question.